Someone just asked me what the 9th letter of the Alphabet was.

It was a complete guess, but I was right.

I got a part time job as a security guard at the National Ice Cream Museum.  I'm bored stiff because we get no visitors.

I just sit here all day long, staring at the Walls.

Had some bad news last week. My American cousin barely survived being dragged through a counterfeiting press.
He recovered well though, and now looks like a million dollars.

Thank you for calling the Drugs Helpline.

Press the hash key to continue...

The seedy secrets of show biz...

 

I was with Sharon in the back of my Ford Cortina.

"Sharon dear! Put those things behind your ears to get me excited." "You mean my ankles Owl? OK."

 

oooo

 

I came home from the pub after a good night out. Fatima had already gone to bed. I was feeling a tad horny.

I lay on the bed and my hand began to wander. I soon found what I was after.

"My word Fatima, you are getting so hairy down there. So soft and lovely." My finger began investigating. "Very tight too."

Fatima replied. "That's the cat. I'm further over."

 

3 hours ago, Zyxel said:

I would wear this when the guys at the local DIY store start to bother me

 

"Water heater Sir buy 1 pay for 2" ????

 

My girlfriend friend loves mobile sex. I came home hungry the other evening, She had just been chatting to her mate on her mobile. I went over and gave her a kiss on the cheek. "Ah! Fish tonight." I said. "No!" She replied. "That's the phone; we're having chicken."

 

oooo

 

Me and Duncan were fishing at the lake. "Dunk," I said, "can I ask you a serious question?"

"Of course Owl fire away." "Well, you have been with women?"

"Sure have Owl."

"Tell me Dunc'; what's it like?

"What's it like? How best to explain. You know when we go fishing, and gather up a big jar of worms. Some boys put their dickz into the worms. It's almost as good as that."

"Give the women a miss then. Stick with the fishing!"