It's scary how quickly time goes by.  It seems like only yesterday I was celebrating the New Year, and now we're only two chancellors away from Christmas.

An undercover cop called at my farm in yesterday evening.
“I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs”, he said.
“By all means officer, just don’t go in that field over there”, I replied.
The cop exploded, saying “Do you know who the **** I am?! I have the authority of the government with me!”, he shouted before pulling a badge out of his back pocket, “Do you see this ******* badge?! This badge means I can do what I want and I’ll go wherever the **** I want, have I made myself clear?!”
I nodded politely, apologised, and went about my work. A short while later, I hear loud screams, looked up and saw the cop running for his life being chased by my angry bull. With each step, the bull was gaining ground and he seemed sure to be gored before he reached safety. The officer looked terrified and continued to run for his life.
I threw down my tools, immediately ran to the edge of the fence and shouted at the top of my lungs,
“Your badge, show him your ******* badge!”

These instructions on my insect killer are ridiculous.

It says, ‘Do Not Spray Near Eyes’

Who cares about being that precise?

I'm just going to spray the whole wasp.

There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:
"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ."
I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."

A lovely young woman was on a bus breast feeding her baby who was having none of it, so she said 

“Now drink up, or I'm giving it to that nice man", pointing to a male passenger sitting opposite.

Still the baby refused, and after this went on for a while, the bloke shouted “MAKE YOUR MIND UP! I SHOULD HAVE GOT OFF 3 STOPS AGO!”

I asked my wife if she'd like a diamond necklace for her birthday.

She said "nothing would make me happier!"

So I got her nothing instead.

Fatima, my second wife was a fun-loving lady. She was in front of the big mirror. Turning this way and that.

"Owl. Can you notice my bomb under this dress?" She asked.

"Oh no! Don't tell me you're gonna wear it down the pub tonight."

"Don't be silly Owl. Wouldn't waste all this explosive on you and your dead-beat mates would I now?"

 

oooo

 

All the neighbours were out in their gardens; enjoying the sunshine.

We had had a rowdy tiff, and they had an ear to it all.

"I'm going to my mothers'." She proclaimed.

With that, she stormed out. As she got to the gate, I shouted out to embarrass her. "I sh@gged you rotten before we were married." She shouted back; "so did all yer mates." Some women just have to have the last word.

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:
"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness ."
I said "Come in and sit down."
I offered him coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?"
He said, "Buggered if I know, I've never got this far before."

Or

 

There was a knock on the door this morning.
I opened it to find a young man standing there who said:
"Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness and I bring God"

I said "Put him in the back with the other stuff"

 

A policeman spotted an elderly lady
knitting while driving. 
 

"Pullover!" he said.

 

"No, it's a scarf!" she replied.

I’ve been taking viagra for my sunburn.

 

It doesn’t cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs.

Stanley decided to lookup his friend Alf, who was a tight-fisted
Yorkshireman.  He found Alf at his bungalow in Huddersfield
stripping the wallpaper from the dining room.  Rather obviously, he
remarked, "You're decorating, I see."  To which Alf replied, "Nay
Stanley lad, I'm moving 'ouse to Bradford."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

At an antiques auction in Leeds, England a wealthy American
announced that he had lost his wallet containing £5,000, and he would
give a reward of £50 to the person who found it.  From the back of
the hall a Yorkshire voice shouted, "I'll give £100!"

Posted in the Wrong topic I guess ????

 

The wife timed us making love yesterday afternoon. At dinner I asked her long it was.
"Two hours, fifty-five minutes, seven seconds." 

"Wow!" I replied. "Nearly three hours! Call me super-stud why don't you? Tell all ya friends dear. Make them envious!!"

 

"I do Owl! That time included our pre-sex financial negotiations and your sleep afterwards."

 

22 hours ago, still kicking said:

Kinky.

My dogs name is Minton.

 

Today he ate my shuttlecock. 

 

Bad Minton! Bad Minton!