Pork tonight?

How many Members of Parliament does it take to change a light bulb?
Twenty five - one to change it and twenty four to go on an all expenses paid fact-finding trip to find out how it is done in Barbados.

 

How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. It turned itself in.

 

How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
We don't know. They never get past the feasibility study.

 

How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A fish.

I asked my daughter to give me a phone book.
 

She laughed at me, called me a boomer and lent me her iPhone. 

 

So, now the spider is dead, her iPhone is broken & my daughter is furious…

How does an Englishman invite a dinosaur for lunch?

 

Tea, Rex?

 

A nun went to her Mother Superior and asked her to hear a confession.

"Mother, today I experienced the pleasures of the flesh." Mother Superior got interested. "Continue my child." "Well,  Father Saunders came to me, and said I had the gates to Heaven between my legs. Mother Superior got very interested. "Yes, my lost child." The nun continued. "He then told me that his penis was the key to Heaven, and he slipped it into my gates."

"Why that lying ba***rd !" the Mother Superior screamed.

"For years he has told me his penis was St Peter's trumpet. And I've been blowing it!"

 

8888

 

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch.

At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun wrote a quick note, and posted on the apple tray: "Take only ONE . God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies. A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples."

 

I went to the chemist and asked

"What do you recommend for diarrhoea?"

Quick as a flash, he replied

"Try the kebab shop over the road".