6 hours ago, ballpoint said:

It (IT!) is very easy to pronounce;

This is how to pronounce "IT!" - IT!  as in "I" in "Italy" without "taly" and the "T" as in "Tit" without "it" and if you think too much about sucking up to this then your are either IT! or a tit!

 

Top tip for criminals ...

If you’re being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They’re trained for that!

I sent an email to the spiritual leader of Tibet. A few weeks later I received a large goat with a long neck. Turns out I'd emailed Dial-a-Llama by mistake.

When I was growing up I liked George Best.

 

Then I changed my mind. I liked Zippy the best.

A lot of people like cats but, for some, it becomes an addiction.

Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!”

Top 10 jokes from the Edinburgh Festival 2022

 

1) “I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get Pasta.” Masai Graham got the most votes (52%)

2) “Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it’s next day delivery?”Mark Simmons – 37%
3) “My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.” Olaf Falafel – 36%
4) “By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I, but it is the same house and it is the same family.” Hannah Fairweather – 35%
5) “I hate funerals – I’m not a mourning person.” Will Mars – 34%
6) “I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that’s four hours of my life that I’m definitely getting back.” Olaf Falafel – 33%
7) “I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx.” Richard Pulsford – 29%
???? “I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery." Tim Vine – 28%
9) “Don’t knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate.” Sophie Duker – 27%
10) “I can’t even be bothered to be apathetic these days.” Will Duggan – 25%

And previous years winners ...

• 2019: “I keep randomly shouting out “Broccoli” and “Cauliflower” - I think I might have Florets.” – Olaf Falafel
• 2018: “Working at the jobcentre has to be a tense job, knowing that if you get fired you still have to come in the next day.” – Adam Rowe
• 2017: “I'm not a fan of the new pound coin, but then again, I hate all change.” – Ken Cheng
• 2016: “My dad suggested I register for a donor card, he's a man after my own heart.” – Masai Graham
• 2015: “I just deleted all the German names off my phone. It's Hans free.” – Darren Walsh
• 2014: “I've decided to sell my hoover – well, it was just collecting dust.” – Tim Vine
• 2013: “I heard a rumour that Cadbury is bringing out an oriental chocolate bar. Could be a Chinese Wispa.” – Rob Auton
• 2012: “You know who really gives kids a bad name? Posh and Becks.” – Stewart Francis
• 2011: “I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.” – Nick Helm
• 2010: “I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again.” – Tim Vine
• 2009: “Hedgehogs – why can't they just share the hedge?” – Dan Antolpolski
• 2008: “I can't believe Amy Winehouse self-harms. She's so irritating she must be able to find someone to do it for her.” – Zoe Lyons

 

 

My God!  Look at those prices!

2 hours ago, ravip said:

There certainly is a need for this