My neighbour found out her dog could hardly hear so she took it to the 
veterinarian. He found the problem was hair in its ears and cleaned    
both ears and the dog could hear fine.                                 
                                                                            
The vet told the woman if she wanted to keep this from reoccurring, she
 should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub some   
in the dog's ears once a month.                                        
                                                                            
The woman goes to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover.

At the register the druggist tells her, "If you're going to use this      
under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."                 
                                                                          
The woman says, "I'm not using it under my arms."                      
                                                                           
The druggist says "If you're using it on your legs, don't use lotion  
for a couple days."

                                                                                                                              
The woman says, "I'm not using it on my legs either. And, if you must  
know, I'm going to use it on my schnauzer."  

                                                                                                      
The druggist says, "Then don’t ride your bicycle for a week."               
 

A Colonel fell into a well. A soldier was summoned to throw a rope into the well and pull the Colonel out.

 

The moment the Colonel was getting out of the well, the soldier would leave the rope, stand at attention to salute, leaving the rope.

 

The Colonel would fall back into the well. This happened many times.

 

Someone suggested that a Brigadier be requested for help because HE wouldn't have to salute the Colonel.

 

A Brigadier arrived.  He threw the rope into the well and the Colonel grabbed it. The Brigadier kept pulling the rope.

 

When the  Colonel was about to come out of the well, on spotting the Brigadier, he immediately let go of the rope and saluted, and fell back into the well again.

 

There was total silence. Then everyone heard the desperate Colonel’s voice from down below.

"You guys… get hold of one of my *class mates!!*

 

MORAL OF THE STORY: Classmates are important! Try and stay connected to one or two of your class mates. They can save your situations someday!

A woman had been on the game for four years and was worried about the size of her ???? on her wedding night, so she decided to tell her husband that she caught it climbing over a fence.

 

After about an hour in bed with her he said, "just how far across the field where you before you realised it was caught?".

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful b*ggers. 
All I said was, 'Hurry up for goodness sake, some of us have got homes to go to!' 

Stephen Hawking went on his first date in 10 years, and when he got back, his glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, a twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she'd stood him up.

Wife says to husband "You only ever want sex when you're drunk"
Husband says "That’s not true . . . sometimes I want a kebab"

 

My sexy Chinese neighbour told me she was desperate for a roger.
It was only when I had my trousers round my ankles, that I realised she wanted to rent her spare room out!

My wife has been missing a week now.  The police said to prepare for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill shop to get all of her clothes back.

 

 

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.  She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You obviously haven't been listening".

The oldies are the best ...

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.
"In honour of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolises Christmas to get into heaven".
The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It's a candle, he said.
"You may pass through the pearly gates" Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of
keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells."

Saint Peter said "You may pass through the pearly gates".

 

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.
St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?'
The paddy replied, "These are Carols."

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

 

I don’t have a carbon footprint.

I just drive everywhere.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him.

The judge gave me 15 years.  Problem solved.

When ordering food at a new restaurant, my wife asked the waiter what they do to prepare their chicken.

“Nothing special,” he explained. “We just tell them they’re going to die.”

I met a lovely girl, who tragically lost both her hands in a terrible accident.  She just asked me if I was getting her a Christmas present.

"No", I replied, "you haven't opened last years one yet.