Peter had been in the Army for 25 years.

Finally sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys fifty acres of land in Alaska as far away from humanity as possible... 

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month... Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door... He opens it and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Cliff, your neighbour from forty miles up the road. Having a party Friday night. Thought you might like to come at about 5:00..."

"Great", says Peter, "after six months out here I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you...!"

As Cliff is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you. Be some drinking."

"Not a problem," says Peter. "After twenty five years in the Army, I can drink with the best of 'em."

Again, the big man starts to leave and stops. "More 'n' likely gonna be some fighting too."

"Well, I get along with people. I'll be all right! I'll be there. Thanks again."

"More'n likely be some wild sex too."

"Now that's really not a problem!" says Peter, warming to the idea. "I've been all alone for six months! I'll definitely be there.
By the way, what should I wear?"

"Don't much matter. Just gonna be the two of us."

6 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Wow! Perverts start younger and younger! ????

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot.
  There was a sign on the cage that said £50.00.
Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said,
"Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided  she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said,
"New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought "that's really not so bad."
When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said,  "New house, new madam, new girls."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
"Hi Keith."

Could be a winner, if not caught cheating. 

 

10 years ago today my good friend came running out yelling it’s a boy! It's a boy!

We have never been to Thailand since..

14 hours ago, VBF said:

Wow! Perverts start younger and younger! ????

Yes but old perverts never die. 

Comments from a friend.

Being unhappy with my wife's mood swings, I bought her a mood ring the other day so that we would be able to monitor her moods.

We've discovered that when she's in a good mood, it turns green. When she's in a bad mood, it leaves a big red dent on my forehead.

Maybe next time I'll buy her a diamond!

.

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened ?" she asks anxiously.
"What happened!!
I'll tell you what happened. I sent an e-mail to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found ?
Yes, your daughter, my Jean, with a naked guy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Calm down, calm down!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I 'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."
Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she didn't receive your email”

I hate it when people ask me if I'm a cat or dog person.

I've only been in Korea a day, give me a chance.

Ever since Xmas Eve I could hear faint Latin rhythms and long sustained guitar notes coming from behind the fireplace.
Santana got stuck up the chimney.

So mate of mine, married the vicars daughter, been together a few years now. We were talking and he said sex was getting a bit dull. I suggested he asked to do the other hole. He was a bit "can’t do that she’s the vicars daughter" etc. Well after a bit he agreed that it wouldn’t hurt to ask.

Next day I said how did it go. Apparently she said "no we can’t afford children yet"!

Does anyone want to buy a small herd of Friesian Cows?

It turns the wife wanted a 2023 Diary ?