I just grilled a chicken for two hours.

It still wouldn't tell me why it crossed the road.

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

Mispronouncing words is my Ukelele’s heel.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJ0nFQgRApY

 

That's me breakfast <deleted>!

3 hours ago, roo860 said:

That's me breakfast <deleted>!

Looks like a cr@p breakfast to me!

Cleopatra lay stretched out on the heaped Arabian pony skins, like a sensuous throbbing cat.

As her handmaidens oiled her shimmering body she glowed in anticipation of seeing Antony, her lover.
  The flickering pallid flame from the rush lights threw her tawny magnificence into bold relief against the wine-dark hides of the tent. Antony entered the scented dimness and, throwing aside his armour, he took her into his arms in a heated embrace - his masculine musk making heady her senses.
  She whispered, 'Antony, my dear heart, let's not go out tonight - let's have a musical evening at home:
  'How mean you, angel?' said Antony.
'Well; she said, 'I've booked a lute player.  She clapped her hands and a slave from Gaul was thrown onto the floor. He was drunk - definitely a Gaul stoned. Two naked Nubian eunuchs then wheeled a brass gong across his body.
  And Cleopatra sang, I'm rolling a gong on the chest of a slave

Customer: 'Why are your hands so filthy?' 
Barber: 'Nobody's asked for a shampoo yet:

Picasso got run over one day.

He drew a sketch of the car and the following day the police arrested a plate of spaghetti and a cake tin.
 

One of the most moving stories I ever heard was in a senna pod factory. I was a foreman on the conveyor belt and I was always on the go.

One night I got invited to a Scrabble party at a teetotallers' coming of age. I was halfway through a carrot cocktail (they're very good: you still get drunk but you see better) when there was a knock at the door. I went with my hostess to open it, and stood on the doorstep was an old tramp.

He said, 'Missus, last week you gave me a waistcoat and in the pocket I found two  $5 notes:
  She said, 'You honest man! You've brought the money back!'
He said, 'No, I've come for another waistcoat!'

Two flies on a bald head.

One says to the other,

"I remember when this was a footpath"

A Scotsman returned from America after ten years.

His two brothers met him, both with beards down to their knees.

The returning Scotsman was annoyed.

'You both look a mess! My own brothers and you meet me without having a shave!' 'It's your fault - when you left you took the only razor!'

feels good helping older people 

Done my good deed for today! 
I’ve just come back from Asda , where I was behind an elderly lady in the queue. 

Her bill came to £56.83, and when she counted out all her change, she only had a bit under £40. Aww, I thought she was probably someone's Nan, and I’d like to think someone would help my Nan, even me in that situation, seeing as Christmas is just around the corner. She didn’t want me to help her, but I insisted, and in no time at all, we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

5 minutes ago, oxo1947 said:

What's the difference?  At his age they are both soft and tickly!