12 hours ago, oxo1947 said:

Wasn't much of an expert in anything it seems. He could just bake or burn it, certainly not melt it...

First time in Vegas I stayed for one night. Checked out in the morning, the bill was $250, and they had added resort fees, and I asked what the heck is that for?! She said the hotel had a pool and internet here and available for use. I said I didn't even use them! She said “Well they were here and available and you could’ve used them.”
So I just wrote out a check, but made it out for $50 and handed it to her. She said: “Sir this check is for only $50.”
I said “That’s right! I charged you $200 for sleeping with me.”
“But I didn’t!” she said.
I said: “Well I was here and available, and you could have!”

A foursome is waiting at the men's tee when another foursome of ladies

are hitting from the ladies tee.

The ladies are taking their time and when finally the last one is ready

to hit the ball she hacks it about 10 feet, goes over to it, hacks it

another ten feet and looks up at the men waiting and says apologetically

"I guess all those f...... lessons I took this winter didn't help."

One of the men immediately replies "No, you see that's your problem. You

should have been taking golf lessons instead."

Every time I get something stuck in my throat, I dislodge it by drinking a pint of lager.

It's known as the Heineken manoeuvre.