The morning after the high school prom, a mother gets a text from her daughter. “Mom, I’m freaking out. I got really drunk last night and don’t remember what happened. I just woke up on the beach with cum in my hair.”

Mom texts back, “Wow, I’m really so glad that you can be so open with me. That’s what good relationships are all about. As for your worries, most times a guy will pull out or pull it out of your mouth and simply shoot his load on your face, but occasionally some of it will get caught in your hair. No big deal, jump in the water it will wash right out.

The daughter texts back, “Thanks for all that information mom, but I meant to type gum.

Two old guys, one 80 and the other 87 were sitting on a park bench one morning.
The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog without sweating or being short of breath.
The 80-year-old was amazed at the guy’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87-year-old said,
“Well, I eat a loaf of rye bread every day. It keeps my energy level high and I always have great stamina with the ladies.”
So; on the way home the 80-year-old stops at the bakery along the way.
As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.
He said, “do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “yes, a full shelf would you like one?”
The old guy said, yes, 5 loaves please.”
She said,
“my goodness 5 loaves! By the time you start eating the third loaf, it’ll be hard.”
The old man smiles and says to himself, I can’t believe everybody knows about this but me!

 

A man was sitting at home one evening, when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, a 6 foot tall cockroach was standing there. The cockroach immediately punched him between the eyes and scampered off.
The next evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang again. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there again. This time, it punched him, kicked him and karate chopped him before running away.
The third evening, the man was sitting at home when the doorbell rang. When he answered the door, the cockroach was there yet again. It leapt at him and stabbed him several times before running off. The gravely injured man managed to crawl to the telephone and summoned an ambulance. He was rushed to intensive care, where they saved his life. The next morning, the doctor was doing his rounds. He asked the man what happened, so the man explained about the 6 foot cockroach's attacks, culminating in the near fatal stabbing.
The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Yes, there's a nasty bug going around."

My snooty friend always uses French words like hors d’oeuvres in his day-to-day conversation.

And that’s just for starters.

What's the difference between a genealogist and a gynaecologist?

One looks up the family tree, the other looks up the family bush.

A sex Ed teacher walks into class with a condom and a banana.

He addresses the class and says "today I will show you how to use a condom.  I also have this banana, because I can't get an erection on an empty stomach".

I just finished my first 12 hour night shift at the glass factory.

I can honestly say I’m shattered!

 

A little experiment to find out who is your bestist mate. Rover or the Mrs.

 

Coax the dog into the boot. Leave him in there for a couple of hours. Ignore the barking and whining.

 

The next day do the same with the Mrs. Grab her, and bundle her into the boot of yer car. Do a round trip to yer friends and get back after 3 hours. Ignore the shouting and squealing.

 

When you opened the boot. Which one was best pleased to see yer?