I’ve been busy ????

 

Yup, can definitely relate !!

 

A female golfer runs into the pro shop shouting "Please help me, I've been stung by a wasp!"

"Where were you stung?" asks the Pro.

"Between the first and second holes", replies the woman.

"Your stance is far too wide", says the Pro.

Apologies to all scousers!!

 

 

 

China have announced their new range of meat free snacks called Not Poodle !!

Some aviation humour I found.

 

After every flight, pilots fill out a form, called a “gripe sheet” which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems; document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

 

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed

 

 

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

 

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

 

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

 

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

 

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce the problem on the ground.

 

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

 

P: #2 Propeller seeping prop fluid
S: #2 Propeller seepage normal – #1 #3 and #4 propellers lack normal seepage

 

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to a more believable level.

 

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That’s what they’re for

There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),

and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
They were out for a walk and it is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for the past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.

(so they do)
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute fifteen seconds.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is to split up. You go that way and I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
(so they did and the man man followed Sister Logical.
Sister Mathematical arrives at the convent and is worried about what has happened to Sister Logical.
Then Sister Logical arrives 5 minutes and 20 seconds later.
SM: Sister Logical! Thank God you are here! Tell me ..... what happened!
SL: The only logical thing that could have happened. The man couldn't follow us both, so he followed me.

SM: Yes, yes! But what happened then?
SL: The only logical thing happened. I started to run as fast as I could and he started to run as fast as he could.
SM: And?
SL: The only logical thing happened. He reached me.

SM: Oh, dear! What did you do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. I lifted my dress up and leaned over.
SM: Oh, Sister! What did the man do?
SL: The only logical thing to do. He pulled down his pants.
SM: Oh, no! What happened then?
SL: Isn't it logical, Sister? A nun with her dress up can run faster than a man with his pants down.

 

And for those of you who thought it would get dirty ..........cleanse your minds!

My wife wants me stop doing flamingo impressions.

Should I put my foot down?

Many maybe wondering why Flamingos stand on one leg. I've seen this on Attenborough.

 

If they lift it up they fall over.  

 

Whilst filming this the crew where wearing wet suits. Which brings up another question. 

 

Q. Why do scuba divers fall backwards out of the boat? 

A. If they fell forward they would still be in the boat!