6 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

 

 

Argghh! It took me a second or two to see the dog. Now it won't go away.

 

a man walks in...

 

 

Careful guys now that booze is back on sale !!

 

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they laid down for the night, and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

“Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”

“What does that tell you?”

Watson pondered for a minute. “Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. And what does it tell you?”

Holmes was silent for a minute as he looked around, then spoke. “It tells me that someone has stolen our tent.”

I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation. The first page says, “You’re not helping!”

My grandfather was born near the Belfast ship yards and saw Titanic.

Right from the outset he told everyone "That thing is going to sink."  People ignored him, but he was certain he was right, and kept saying it over and over and over.   When people continued to ignore him he started shouting it as loud as he could, "That ship is going to sink!"

In the end, they had to eject him from the picture house.

Meanwhile, back in the U.K. some are trying to justify their panic buying !!

 

https://twitter.com/TheFastShow1/status/1257921362657775616?s=09

On 12/11/2018 at 6:03 AM, scottiejohn said:

A female lecturer is telling a group of students how to teach maths to small children. 
"It's always a good idea for them to visualise the question. 
For instance, if I said there were three cats on a wall and one was shot dead -- how many were left? -- the children would answer 2. They would be able to see the cats in their mind's eye." 
At that point she was interrupted by one of the students. 
"Excuse me, but I would have answered none to that question." 
The lecturer looked puzzled, repeated the problem but again the student shook his head. 
"My answer would be none," he said. "If one of the cats had been shot then the other two would have been out of there in a flash." 
She replied, "Well, in theory that wouldn't be correct, however I like the way you think." 
The student continued, "May I ask you a question now? If there were three women walking down the street, one licking an ice lolly, one biting an ice lolly and one sucking an ice lolly -- which one would you think was married?" 
The teacher blushed profusely and stuttered a reply. 
"Well ... er ... the one sucking the ice lolly." 

 

"No," replied the student, smiling, "it would be the one wearing a wedding ring, still, I like the way you think!" 

OMG! This made me cry! LOL

On 12/17/2018 at 2:03 AM, scottiejohn said:

I can't stop laughing haha

Nicola Sturgeon COVID-19 Briefing

Nicola: The first question is from Jimmy.

Jimmy: In hospital when COVID patients deteriorate, where do they send them?

Nicola: ICU Jimmy.

 

Another day of lockdown.

Nothing to do ? Why not try to improve yourself

Take up Buddhist meditation.

It beats sitting around all day doing bugga all.