4 hours ago, ravip said:

Or worse still, my wife put it in a safe place, and didn't tell me where.

2 minutes ago, billd766 said:

4 hours ago, ravip said:

Or worse still, my wife put it in a safe place, and didn't tell me where.

Or worse still, your wife put it in a safe place, and she told you where - but you´re too old to remember.

2 minutes ago, farang51 said:

Or worse still, your wife put it in a safe place, and she told you where - but you´re too old to remember.

Very true.

 

But she would say that she told me anyway.

Little Johnny....

 

Little Johnny's neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.

 

When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnny's family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

 

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home. Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.

 

When Johnny looked in the crib he said: "What a beautiful baby." The mother said, 'Why, Thank you Johnny."

 

Johnny said: "He has beautiful little feet, beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see all right?"

"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 Vision."

 

"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cos he'd be <deleted> if he needed glasses!"

 

 

 

Johnny continues:

 

Little Johnny was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."

 

His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"

The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework."

 

" And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered.

 

Infuriated, she called Little Johnny's teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in class?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition."

 

The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

 

After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered, "What I taught them was, two plus two, the sum of which is four."

Oh Johnny... 

 

Little Johnny was running late for school so he jumps on his bike and takes off down the footpath. 

 

Up ahead is Policeman Plod doing his rounds and sees Johnny coming towards. He puts up his hand signalling for Johnny to stop. 

 

But Johnny isn't having a bar of it and runs across the policemans feet. The policeman couldn't do anything about it and Johnny has disappeared off into the distance. 

 

The next day the same thing occurs.  Johnny doesn't stop and the policeman is right mad.  He thinks to himself, right I'm going to get him tomorrow and he's going to learn a lesson. 

 

Sure enough, the next day Johnny is running late again... Out the door on his bike and off down the footpath. 

 

As he's about to run over the policemans feet, out comes the stiff arm of the law and grabs Johnny by the scruff of the neck.  His bike goes flying off down the footpath. 

 

'Right' says the Policeman, do you know what we do do naughty little boys like you that run across policemens feet? 

 

No says Johnny. 

 

Well says the policeman, see that nail up there on the post?

 

Yes says Johnny. 

 

Well says the policeman, we grab those naughty boys and hang them up on the nail. Then we pull their pants down and every day when we're doing our rounds we give your old fellah a tug. 

 

We do that each day until it falls off to teach you a lesson. 

 

Crikey thinks Johnny, that doesn't sound too good.  And he quickly replies, I bet I know what you do to naughty girls then. 

 

What's that asks the policeman. 

 

Well says Johnny, pretty much the same thing but you wait till its 6'2" put it in a blue uniform and send it off on the beat. 

 

With that Johnny takes off down the footpath leaving the policeman furious. 

 

I wish more places would follow this practice.