A dog goes into a telegraph office and says “I’d like to send a telegram”
”Certainly“ says the guy behind the counter, picking up a pencil “what’s the message?”
”Woof woof woof woof woof, woof woof woof. Woof”
The guy counts the words and says “that’s nine words, the minimum charge is for twelve words, you got three left”
Dog says “no, that’s ok”
Guy says “oh, go on it’d be a waste not to”
God says “but I’ve got nothing left to say”
Guy says “what about “”Woof woof woof?”
Dog says “What? That’d make no bloody sense would it”

 

 

About 2 years ago, my Doctor told me I was going deaf.
I haven't heard from him since.

32 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

A dog goes into a telegraph office and says “I’d like to send a telegram”
”Certainly“ says the guy behind the counter, picking up a pencil “what’s the message?”
”Woof woof woof woof woof, woof woof woof. Woof”
The guy counts the words and says “that’s nine words, the minimum charge is for twelve words, you got three left”
Dog says “no, that’s ok”
Guy says “oh, go on it’d be a waste not to”
God says “but I’ve got nothing left to say”
Guy says “what about “”Woof woof woof?”
Dog says “What? That’d make no bloody sense would it”

 

 

Like how you snuck God into the conversation , very sneaky !!

Just now, Andrew Dwyer said:

Like how you snuck God into the conversation , very sneaky !!

And I see the Devil is in the detail!

2 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Like how you snuck God into the conversation , very sneaky !!

I tried to proof read it, but the dog ate my glasses.

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

I tried to proof read it, but the dog ate my glasses.

After I put my glasses on I realised you had not typed that the poof stuck a dog up your a&se!

4 hours ago, Peter Denis said:

Are you barking up the wrong tree or just barking mad?

33 minutes ago, fangless said:

After I put my glasses on I realised you had not typed that the poof stuck a dog up your a&se!

Even that was wrong.  I meant to say my god ate my glasses. 

(It's a very vengeful god, and won't admit to creating me with eye imperfections.  (Everything else is perfect though, I'll give him that)).

35 minutes ago, fangless said:

After I put my glasses on I realised you had not typed that the poof stuck a dog up your a&se!

Never on a Saturday.  I need to be able to sit down on Sunday.

3 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Never on a Saturday.  I need to be able to sit down on Sunday.

We are in danger of getting into the "too much info" state , but even so I am intrigued as why it is ok the rest of the week and what the hell goes on (or off) on a Sunday!

 

PS;  Please rest assured that your answers will be treated in the strictest confidence by ALL TV members.

4 minutes ago, fangless said:

We are in danger of getting into the "too much info" state , but even so I am intrigued as why it is ok the rest of the week and what the hell goes on (or off) on a Sunday!

 

PS;  Please rest assured that your answers will be treated in the strictest confidence by ALL TV members.

Sunday's my day of rest.  Wouldn't want to <deleted> my Dog off.

1 minute ago, ballpoint said:

Sunday's my day of rest.  Wouldn't want to <deleted> my Dog off.

I thought the dog was doing that to you, but anyway I am glad to see that you do have some consideration for it's well being!

7 minutes ago, fangless said:

I thought the dog was doing that to you, but anyway I am glad to see that you do have some consideration for it's well being!

Sorry, again meant to say my god.  I don't believe in Dogs.

 

when a soldier visits...

 

A military function is being held where officers of the Army, Navy and the Air force are present.

The Army and Navy officers were describing the Air force as the Cinderella of the military.

To this, the Air force officer replied" I don't know a lot about Cinderella except the fact that she had two ugly sisters".

A group of bored military officers start talking about whether sex is work or fun

The lieutenant goes first and says, "I feel that making love is 80% fun and 20% work."

Then captain responded by saying, "No, I think that making love is more work than that. I would say that it is 60% fun and 40% work."

Finally, the major says, "No, making love is definitely way more work than that. I would say that it is 20% fun and 80% work."

They are all contemplating these revelations when a private walks by. The officers call the private over to ask his opinion.

The major says, "Excuse me, private, we are having a discussion and would like your input. The lieutenant says that making love is 80% fun and 20% work. The captain says that making love is 60% fun and 40% work. I say that making love is 20% fun and 80% work. Private, what is your opinion?"

The private says, "Well sir, you are all wrong. Making love must be 100% fun, because if there was any work involved, you would have me do it.

2 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Sorry, again meant to say my god.  I don't believe in Dogs.

Now I understand it.  You must be a member of the dyslectic sex!

9 minutes ago, fangless said:

Now I understand it.  You must be a member of the dyslectic sex!

 

Bus stops and 2 Italian men get on.
They sit down and engage in an animated conversation.
An old lady who is sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
“Emma come first. Den I come. Den two a$ses come together. I come once-a-more. Two a$ses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.”
“You foul-mouthed sexual, deviant swine,” retorted the old lady indignantly
“In this country. we don’t speak aloud in public places about our sex lives.  Especially the depraved kind you are gloating over“
“Hey, a coola a downa mama,” said the man.
“Who a talkin’ abouta de sex? I’m a justa tellin’ my frienda how to spell “Mississippi’.”