A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.
Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."
Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "<deleted> off, ya fookin' little <deleted>, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"
Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

What is the difference between a successful lover and a failed lover?

Answer:

Failed lover becomes a poet, sings songs and drinks fine wines. 
The successful lover does the grocery shopping , cooking, mopping floors, washing utensils!

I just had lunch and i realized that no matter how much you <deleted> up an omelet

you can always call it scrambled eggs.

Time for another nap.

An 80-year-old man went to the doctor for a general check-up.
The doctor was shocked to see his health,
Asked--
'What is the secret of your good health ....?'
- 'I get up before the sun rises and go out for cycling and then come and drink two glasses of wine!
Maybe this is the secret of my health. '
Doctor - 'Okay, but can I ask you how old your father died ...?'
- 'My father died ...?
Who told you that he died.
Doctor (surprised): - 'You mean that you are 80 years old and your father is still alive ...?
So how old is he now ....? '
- 'He is 102 years old and  cycling with me this morning and then took two glasses of wine'
Doctor - 'This is very good. This means that the long life is in your family's jeans.
So how old was your grandfather when he died….?
--- 'Hey why are you killing my grandfather now ...?'
Doctor (puzzled) -
'You mean that you are 80 years old and your grandfather is still alive very much!
What is his age .....? '
--- 'Yes, he is 123 years old.'
--- 'I think he too must have cycled with you this morning and taken wine too .....?'
- 'Take a cold breath! No, Grandpa could not go this morning,
 Because
He is getting married today.
Doctor (on the verge of going mad) -
'What said marriage .....? Why would he want to get married at the age of 123…?
--- 'Who said he wanted to get married ....?
He has to be forced.
- 'But why ........ Doctor shouted!
- 'Girl is pregnant, that's why!'

 

The doctor has been cycling regularly and drinking wine ever since,

The clinic is closed.

5 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Does Eartha Kitt get shown the bathroom ?

Meanwhile, some helpful advice from a Leeds fan !!

 

"Hi honey, this is daddy. Is mommy near the phone?” 
A voice on the other end answer: “No daddy she is upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.” The little girl quipped.
After a brief pause daddy says “but honey you haven’t got an Uncle Paul!”
“Oh yes I do, and he is upstairs in the room with mommy right now.”
Brief pause “Oh okay then, this is what I want you to do: “Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs, knock on the bedroom door, and shout to mommy that daddy’s car has just arrived at the gate.”
"Ok daddy just a minute.”
A while later the little girl comes back to the phone, “Done it daddy.” 
“What happened honey?”
“Well, mommy got scared and jumped out of the bed naked, ran round the room screaming, tripped over, and knocked her head on the staircase, now she is not moving at all.”
“What about Uncle Paul?” asked Dad.
”He jumped out the window into the swimming pool, but I guess he didn’t know you emptied the water last week. He hit the bottom and I think he is dead.”
Really long pause this time…
Daddy says, “Swimming pool, holy <deleted>, but we don’t have a swimming pool? Is this 486-5731?”
“No, this is 486-5713.”
"Sorry, wrong number!"

 

... by Natural Causes

 

Polk County Florida Sheriff - "You kill a policeman it means no arrest...no Miranda rights...no negotiations...nothing but as many bullets as we can shoot into you...PERIOD." 
An illegal alien, in Polk County, Florida , who got pulled over in a routine traffic stop, ended up "executing" the deputy who stopped him. The deputy was shot eight times, including once behind his right ear at close range. Another deputy was wounded and a police dog killed. A state-wide manhunt ensued. 
The murderer was found hiding in a wooded area. As soon as he took a shot at the SWAT team, officers opened fire on him. They hit the guy 68 times. 
Naturally, the liberal media went nuts and asked why they had to shoot the poor, undocumented immigrant 68 times. 
Sheriff Grady Judd told the Orlando Sentinel: "Because that's all the ammunition we had." Now, is that just about the all-time greatest answer or what! 
The Coroner also reported that the illegal alien died of natural causes. When asked by a reporter how that could be, since there were 68 bullet wounds in his body, he simply replied: (BEST QUOTE ever) ...."When you are shot 68 times you are naturally gonna die."

 

 

 

 

13 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

 

8 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Does Eartha Kitt get shown the bathroom ?

 

Nobody else has asked for an explanation of these posts, which leaves me thinking that I must be the dumbest member of TV.

 

4 minutes ago, chickenslegs said:

 

 

Nobody else has asked for an explanation of these posts, which leaves me thinking that I must be the dumbest member of TV.

 

Rhyming slang : Hank Marvin = Staving .

Earth Kitt = West Ham 

2 minutes ago, CorpusChristie said:

Rhyming slang : Hank Marvin = Staving .

Earth Kitt = West Ham 

Never heard the Hank Marvin slang before.

West Ham = 5hit. Now I get it.

 

Thanks CC

Me and my mate are making Dracula dolls for halloween.

I'm making every second Count.

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.

 

Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".

 

One week later, Australia's Northern Territory Times, reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek, Northern Territory, aboriginal Billi Bunji, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely <deleted>-all.

Billi has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless".

New GPS for senior citizens.

On 10/9/2020 at 2:58 AM, fangless said:

I am not sure if I can see the Point of it.

Maybe it should be pinned in the family forum!

What's the problem?

They're designed to have pricks in ????

1 hour ago, VBF said:

What's the problem?

They're designed to have pricks in ????

Quote of the day!!!!!

The Beatles were their time way ahead. 

3 hours ago, sanuk711 said:

Can you confirm that? 

 Don't eat a flying carpet, please.