I bought my friend an elephant for his room.

He said, "Thanks".
I said, "Don't mention it".

When marijuana is legalised in Scotland:

How do you save a bagpiper from drowning?

Take your foot off his head.

"it will only be for 30 days...."

A man walked into the produce section of his local ALDI supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,

"Some old <deleted> outside wants to buy half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his... way.

Later, the manager said to the boy...........

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"

"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players

there."

"Is that right?" replied the manager, "My wife is from New Zealand!"

"Really?" replied the boy, "Who did she play for?"

7 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Don't get me Gogh(ing) again!

7 hours ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Red sky at night, shepherd’s delight.

Blue sky at night,  day

Heaven sent-Two priests were playing golf...

Father Bob hit his ball into the woods on his first swing, "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed.
"You shouldn't curse Father Bob!" said Father Michael "Or god might punish you!"
Father Bob apologized and they went on playing.

On his next swing, Father Bob hit his ball into the sand pit. "Damn it! That totally missed!" he cursed again.
Again, Father Michael warned, "Do not utter such words Father Bob, lest god punishes you for it!"

Father Bob apologized again and they continued playing.
On his third swing, Father Bob hit his ball into the pond. "Damn it! That totally missed!" cursed Father Bob once again.

Before Father Michael could say anything, a ominous dark cloud suddenly gathered out of the blue sky and a vicious lightning came down and stroke Father Michael, killing him instantly.

Father Bob was completely stunned, before he could understand what was happening in front of him, he heard a thunderous deep voice coming from the sky -

 

 

"Damn it! That totally missed!"

Heard January 31st, 2019 at 2400 hours......

 

"Happy New Year".