9 hours ago, teacherclaire said:

Soon after somebody said that I wouldn't have balls. 

I guess that when used as 'bumpers' the driver does not need a horn for signaling.

A Russian Jew, was finally allowed to emigrate to Israel. 

At Moscow airport, customs found a Lenin statue in his baggage and asked, "What is this?"

The man replied, "What is this? Wrong question comrade. You should have asked : Who is he? This is Comrade Lenin. He laid the foundations of socialism and created the future and prosperity of the Russian people. I am taking it with me as a memory of our dear hero."

The Russian customs officer let him go without further inspection.

 

At Tel Aviv airport, the Israeli customs officer also asked our friend, "What is this?"

He replied, "What is this? Wrong question, Sir. You should be asking, 'Who is this?' This is Lenin, the bas***d who caused me, a Jew,  to leave Russia. I take this statue with me so I can curse him every day."

The Israeli customs officer said, "I apologise, Sir, you are cleared to go"

 

Settling into his new house, he put the statue on a table. To celebrate his immigration, he invited his friends and relatives to dinner. 

 

One of his friends asked, "Who is this?"

He replied, "My dear friend, 'Who is this' is a wrong question. You should have asked, What is this? 

 

This is ten kilograms of solid gold that I managed to bring with me without paying any customs duty and tax."

 

MORAL :-
Politics is when you can tell the same sh*t in different ways to fool different audience, to allow you to look good in every way.

When I was a baby my parents used to bathe me in cheap Australian lager.

It wasn’t until I was 18 that I realised I’d been fostered.

I said to my wife, "I saw a woman with her breasts out on the bus feeding her son."
She said, "It's natural."
"Natural?" I replied, "She was giving him crisps."

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says, "I wonder how the girls are getting on?"

Was just reminiscing about an old girlfriend who worked in an abattoir. 

She was a stunner.

Outlawed all over the world. The Real 1 % 

 

Amen to that !!

Aaaarrrrgggghhhh !!

 

World Leaders and their Love for Dogs... 

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s good news, those front legs taste kinda nasty !!

Can anyone with kids help me out?
My wife sent me out to buy a baby monitor, but I can only find an iguana.
Is this a good substitute?

The school rang me today and said my lad has been telling lies.
I replied, “ Well tell him he’s very good at it, cos I haven’t got any kids”.

I used to date a Siamese twin, but she caught me cheating with her sister behind her back.

I went for a job interview and the guy asked me "Can you perform under pressure?"

"No", I said, "But I'll have a go at Bohemian Rhapsody".