3 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Some useful advice for everyone to enjoy !!

 

Thanks, you made my life a lot easier!

As the only surviving member of the Bee Gees Barry has turned his hand to other activities to survive .

 

24 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Some useful advice for everyone to enjoy !!

I wonder what the point of it was!

"How dare you ask me if I've been to bed with anyone else, that's my business," she said angrily. 
"I'm sorry, I didn't know that was your profession," replied the young man. 
 

"Bruce, I'm pregnant and if you don't marry me, I'll kill myself," wailed the girl. 
"Oh Sheila, you're a brick, not only are you a good one stand, but you're a good sport to kill yourself as well." 
 

Wife gets naked and asks hubby, 
"What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?" 
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, 
"Your amazing sense of humour" 

 

 

The ambulance didn't take too long to pick him up!
 

Wife: I have a bag full of used clothing I'd like to donate. 
Husband: Why not just throw it in the trash? That’s much easier.
Wife: But there are poor starving people who can really use all these clothes.
Husband: Honey anyone who fits into your clothing is not starving.

 

Husband is recovering from a head injury now 
 

Two 90-year-old women, Rose and Barb, had been friends all of their lives. When it was clear that Rose was dying, Barb visited her every day. One day Barb said, "Rose, we both loved playing women's softball all our lives, and we played all through High School. Please do me one favour: when you get to Heaven, somehow you must let me know if there's women's soft-ball there."

 

Rose looked up at Barb from her deathbed and said, "Barb, you've been my best friend for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll do this favour for you." Shortly after that, Rose passed on.

 

At midnight a few nights later, Barb was awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to her, "Barb, Barb."

"Who is it?" asked Barb, sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?"

"Barb, it's me, Rose."

"You're not Rose. Rose just died."

"I'm telling you, it's me, Rose," insisted the voice.

"Rose! Where are you?"

"In Heaven," replied Rose. "I have some really good news and a little bad news."

 

"Tell me the good news first," said Barb.

"The good news," Rose said, "is that there's Softball in Heaven. Better yet all of our old buddies who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always springtime, and it never rains or snows. And best of all, we can play softball all we want, and we never get tired."

"That's fantastic," said Barb. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's
the bad news?"

 

 

"You're pitching Tuesday." 
 

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER

 

Dear Tech Support, 
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend to Husband and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend.

In addition, Husband uninstalled many other valuable programmes, such as Romance and Personal Attention and then installed undesirable programs such as Rugby , Football, Sailing and Continuous TV. Conversation no longer runs, and Housecleaning simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging to fix these problems, but to no avail. 

 

What can I do? 
Signed, Desperate 
..................................................................................................... 
Dear Desperate, 
First keep in mind, Boyfriend is an Entertainment Package, while Husband is an Operating System. Please enter the command: 'http: I Thought You Loved Me.html' and try to download Tears. 

Don't forget to install the Guilt update. If that application works as designed, Husband should then automatically run the applications Jewellery and Flowers, but remember - overuse of the above application can cause Husband to default to Grumpy Silence, Garden Shed or Beer. Beer is a very bad program that will download the Snoring Loudly Beta. 

Whatever you do, DO NOT install Mother-in-law (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources). Also, do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband. 

In summary, Husband is a great system, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. It also tends to work better running one task at a time. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Food and Hot Lingerie.

Good Luck, 
Tech Support
 

What is a quicker way to transfer money to a woman other than electronic banking?

Marriage.

1 hour ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Some useful advice for everyone to enjoy !!

 

Can you tell me please how long to place the pencil sharpener in the freezer?

6 minutes ago, jvs said:

Can you tell me please how long to place the pencil sharpener in the freezer?

About six inches is long enough I find or else they break!

 

PS;  I thought you asked "how long to place the worm in the freezer"!!

Since a lot of sports are no longer being televised as much,, I've compensated by watching the birds in my yard compete over worms.

So far Cardinals 6, Blue Jays 3.

My friend told me I could fish better if I took the worm off the hook.

That was debaitable  advice, fishy and didn't catch on

They say when you're nervous, you get butterflies in your stomach.

This really bugged me, so I had a surgeon perform an insect-ion to see if this was true. The results were extremely alarving. What they found in my stomach will moth likely make you feel sqwormish.

One day Grandpa was watching Junior playing with an earthworm

Grandpa said, "Junior, I will give you $10 if you can put that worm back down in its hole."

The kids thinks and thinks, then runs into the house and returns with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worn all over and as it gets stiff he stuffs it down into the hole. Grandpa gives the boy $10.

The next day Grandpa comes out to where Junior is playing and gives the boy $20. The boy looked up in confusion and asked, "What's this for?"

Grandpa smiles and says, "That's another $10 from me and $10 Grandma!"

Four insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."
The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."
Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."
The fourth insurance company really thought hard and almost gave up the race, but finally came up with,

 

 

"From the erection to the resurrection."

A worm crawls out of a bowl of spaghetti.

He says, "that was one hell of an orgy!"

Spaghetti

A doctor was having an affair with his nurse.

Shortly afterward, she told him she was pregnant. Not wanting his wife to know, he gave the nurse a sum of money and asked her to go to Italy and have the baby there.

"But how will I let you know the baby is born?" she asked.

He replied, "Just send me a postcard and write 'spaghetti' on the back. I'll take care of expenses."

Not knowing what else to do, the nurse took the money and flew to Italy. Six months went by and then one day the doctor's wife called him at the office and explained, "Dear, you received a very strange postcard in the mail today from Europe, and I don't understand what it means." The doctor said, "Just wait until I get home and I will explain it to you."

Later that evening, the doctor came home, read the postcard, fell to the floor with a heart attack. Paramedics rushed him to the ER. The lead medic stayed back to comfort the wife. He asked what trauma had precipitated the cardiac arrest. So the wife picked up the card and read,

 

"'Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti - Two with sausage and meatballs, two without.'"

A father has three daughters of dating age

One Saturday night, he hears a knock on the door. He answers to see a young man, who says, "Hi I'm Eddie. I'm here for Betty. We're going out for spaghetti. Is she ready?"

The father nods and calls her down. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Joe. I'm here for Flo. We're going to the show. Is she ready to go?"

The father nods and calls his daughter. After a while he hears another knock on the door. The young man says, "Hi I'm Chuck..."

The father punches him in the face.

A magician I know broke up with his girlfriend because he found someone else's coin behind her ear.

I met Phil Spector's brother Crispin the other day.

He's head of quality control at Walkers.

I went out to buy a slide for my kids to play on, but the only one I could find had an 85 degree incline and cost 15,000 baht.

I thought "That's a bit steep".

I've just had 40 winks on the train...
I knew I shouldn't have worn this pink t-shirt.

A man walks into a bank wanting to open an account.
He says to the cashier, 'Oi <deleted>, I want to open an account.'
The cashier replies, 'Very well sir, but please, stop swearing.'
The man says, 'Listen you <deleted>, just open the account for me!'
The cashier says, 'Sir, I am more than happy to help you, but if you could just please kindly stop swearing!'
The manager overhears the commotion and walks over. 'Is everything ok here?' he asks.
'I want to open an account but this <deleted> isn't helping me!' exclaims the man.
The manager says, 'I'm sure we can do that for you sir, but I'll have to ask you to please refrain from using bad language. Thank you. Now sir, how much are you wanting to open the account with today?'
'£26 million,' replies the man.
The manager says, 'And this <deleted> isn't helping you?'

37 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

I've just had 40 winks on the train...
I knew I shouldn't have worn this pink t-shirt.

Maybe it was a "wink" typo!!