14 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

That was a game back in the day when cars had hubcaps.

 

Put a marble in one of the hubcaps  

Nature can come up with decent Jokes too... 

 

 

Excuse me, can I use your Dictaphone?

 

No, use your finger like everyone else!

Never Trust A Cricketer

Written by a Cricketer's wife

 

Come all ye fair young maidens, harken unto me!
Never trust a cricketer,
whoever he may be.

Randier than a sailor
who's been six months at sea,
Never let a cricketer's hand
an inch above your knee.

 

First let's take the paceman,
pure speed from first to last,
My darlings do be careful;
his balls are hard and fast.

 

Then there's the medium pacer,
his balls swing either way;
He's really most persistent
and can keep it up all day!

 

Watch out for the off-spinner girls, another awkward chap.
If you leave him half an opening,
he will slip one through the gap!

 

Then there's the wily 'slowy',
pure cunning is his strength;
He'll tempt you, then he'll trap you with his very subtle length.

So ladies, do be careful,
your mothers would agree.
Never trust a cricketer,
whoever he may be.

 

And what about the opening bat, his struggles never cease!
He has only one ambition,
to spend all day at the crease.

 

The number three is a dasher,
he seldom prods and pokes.
When he goes into action,
he has a fine array of strokes..

 

And do beware the slogger,
not content with one or two;
When he arrives at the crease
then only six will do.

 

Then there's the real stonewaller.
Girls! he knows what he's about;
And if you let him settle in,
it's hard to get him out!

 

We come now to the last man,
I hope this will not shock,
He doesn't mind if he's last man in, as long as he gets a knock.

 

So, darlings, do be careful,
and be well warned by me:
Never trust a cricketer,
whoever he may be.

 

And watch the wicketkeeper.
Girls! he's full of flair and dash;
And if you raise your heel,
he'll whip them off in a flash.

 

If you take the field with the capt'n, you had better know the score;
Or he'll have you in positions
that you never knew before!

 

The cricket commentator
is a nasty sort of bloke,
He watches all the action
and describes it stroke by stroke.

 

Even the kindly umpire,
who looks as friendly as a pup;
You'll quickly find you've had it, when he puts his finger up!

 

So, darlings, please remember
and repeat it after me:
“NEVER TRUST A CRICKETER, WHOEVER HE MAY BE!!!!!”

Teaching "common sense." 

10 hours ago, Daffy D said:

Put a marble in one of the hubcaps

Or a marble loose in his head gives the same result!

Two small boys met during their first day at school.

Billy: "My name is Billy. What's yours?"
Tommy: "I'm Tommy,"
Billy: "My daddy is an accountant. What does your daddy do for a living?"
Tommy:  "My daddy is a lawyer."
Billy: "Honest?"
Tommy: "No, just the normal kind."

In an ideal world:

 

Instead of "beer-belly", you'd get "beer-biceps".

Daisy Duke shorts would never go out of style again.

When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during half time.

 

At the end of the workday a whistle would blow and you would jump out of your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

Cold Cream
-------------------------

Little Davie watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face..

"Why do you do that, mommy?" he asked.

"To make myself beautiful," said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.

 

"What's the matter?" asked Little Davie. "Giving up?"

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"
"About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."
"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"
"It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "what are your relations like?"
"I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents."

The judge took a deep breath and asked,
"Do you have a real grudge?"
"No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"
"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap trap -but we can't seem to do anything about it."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"
"Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee."

The judge asked, "Is your husband a nagger?"
"Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!"

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked,
"Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?
"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does.
The damn fool says he can't communicate with me."