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Worst Joke Ever 2026

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I asked my wife if I was the only one she’d been with.

She said yes, all the others had been nines and tens…

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Great weather in Washington DC today.

It's minus 45.

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Young Dave invited his mother for dinner.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn’t help but notice the looks her son’s flat mate, Pete, was giving him. She had long been suspicious that her son was gay, and this only made her more curious.

Reading his mothers thoughts Dave volunteered:-
I know what you are thinking, but I can assure you that we are just flat mates.

About a week later Pete asked Dave:-
Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find the frying pan; you don’t suppose she has taken it back with her do you?

Dave doubted that, but said he would email her, just in case:-

Dear Mother, I’m not saying that you did take the frying pan from my flat, and I’m not saying that you didn’t take the frying pan: but the fact is that it’s been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

By return his mother replied:-

Dear Son, I’m not saying that you do sleep with Pete, and I’m not saying that you don’t sleep with Pete, but the fact remains that if he was sleeping in his own bed, then he would have found the frying pan by now.

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Sometimes you meet someone and you know from the first moment that you want to spend your whole life;

 

 

 

without them!

:partytime2:
 

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I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief, at TV posts!
 

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Two businessmen in the centre of London were sitting down for a break In their soon-to-be new store.
As yet, the store wasn't ready, with only a few shelves set up.
One said to the other, ” I bet you that any minute now some old pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we're selling."


No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and asked, "What are you selling here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling a*seholes.”


Without skimping a beat, the old woman said ,‘you must be doing well... Only you two left.!"
 

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Probably will after a few beers!

 

 

 

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15 minutes ago, fangless said:

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Probably will after a few beers!

 

 

 

The sign says "Poker Hole" at the back.

38 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

The sign says "Poker Hole" at the back.

I always try and use the front door as I always get into a flap otherwise!

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A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London. “ I wish to buy sex with you” OK says the girl “ I charge £50.00 an hour. “Thats good but I must warn you I am a little kinky” “ No problem I can do a little kinky for an extra £10.00” she responds. Helmut agrees. So off they go to the girls flat where Helmut produces 4 large bedsprings and a duck caller. “ I want you tie this spring to each of your hands and knees.” The girl finds this odd but complies fastening the springs as requested. “ Now you will get down on your hands and knees” This she duly does balancing precariously on the springs. “You will please blow this quacker as I make love to you” She thinks this even odder, but figures it harmless ( and the guy is paying). However the sex is fantastic, honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say “ That was totally amazing. What do you call that position? “That” replied the German “ is the Four-sprung Duck Technique !

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2 minutes ago, roo860 said:

A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London. “ I wish to buy sex with you” OK says the girl “ I charge £50.00 an hour. “Thats good but I must warn you I am a little kinky” “ No problem I can do a little kinky for an extra £10.00” she responds. Helmut agrees. So off they go to the girls flat where Helmut produces 4 large bedsprings and a duck caller. “ I want you tie this spring to each of your hands and knees.” The girl finds this odd but complies fastening the springs as requested. “ Now you will get down on your hands and knees” This she duly does balancing precariously on the springs. “You will please blow this quacker as I make love to you” She thinks this even odder, but figures it harmless ( and the guy is paying). However the sex is fantastic, honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say “ That was totally amazing. What do you call that position? “That” replied the German “ is the Four-sprung Duck Technique !

Good one, but only guys interested in Audi cars, will 'get it'.

@transam > this must be one for you!

5 minutes ago, roo860 said:

A German guy called Helmut approaches a lady of the night in London. “ I wish to buy sex with you” OK says the girl “ I charge £50.00 an hour. “Thats good but I must warn you I am a little kinky” “ No problem I can do a little kinky for an extra £10.00” she responds. Helmut agrees. So off they go to the girls flat where Helmut produces 4 large bedsprings and a duck caller. “ I want you tie this spring to each of your hands and knees.” The girl finds this odd but complies fastening the springs as requested. “ Now you will get down on your hands and knees” This she duly does balancing precariously on the springs. “You will please blow this quacker as I make love to you” She thinks this even odder, but figures it harmless ( and the guy is paying). However the sex is fantastic, honking away on the duck caller, she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German. The climax is the most sensational she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say “ That was totally amazing. What do you call that position? “That” replied the German “ is the Four-sprung Duck Technique !

or a BoingK

4 minutes ago, Peter Denis said:

Good one, but only guys interested in Audi cars, will 'get it'.

@transam > this must be one for you!

LOL... found this on the net.

 

"Vorsprung durch Technik" is Audi's German slogan, meaning roughly "To be ahead (or Advancement) through technology."  

It's been around since the 80's, and used all around the world.  The joke you refer to is in the film Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, the punch line is a play on words.

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Spotted near a school in oldham today... Only grits minor roads

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