THE FACELIFT .

A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday.. 

She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results. 

On her way home, she stops at a newsstand to buy a newspaper. 

Before leaving, she says to the clerk, 'I hope you don't mind my asking, but how old do you think I am 'About 32,' is the reply.' 

'Nope! I'm exactly 50,' the woman says happily 

A little while later she goes into McDonald's and asks the counter girl the 
very same question. 

The girl replies, 'I'd guess about 29.' 

The woman replies with a big smile, 'Nope, I'm 50.' 

Now she's feeling really good about herself. She stops in a drug store on her way down the street. 

She goes up to the counter to get some mints and asks the clerk this burning question. 

The clerk responds, 'Oh, I'd say 30.' 

Again she proudly responds, 'I'm 50, but thank you!' 

While waiting for the bus to go home, she asks an old man waiting next to her the same question. 

He replies, 'Lady, I'm 78 and my eyesight is going. Although, when I was young there was a sure-fire way to tell how old a woman was. 

It sounds very forward, but it requires you to let me put my hands under your bra. 

Then, and only then can I tell you EXACTLY how old you are.' 

They wait in silence on the empty street until her curiosity gets the best of 
her. 

She finally blurts out, 'What the hell, go ahead.' 

He slips both of his hands under her blouse and begins to feel around very 
slowly and carefully. 

He bounces and weighs each breast and he gently pinches each nipple. 

He pushes her breasts together and rubs them against each other. 

After a couple of minutes of this, she says, 'Okay, okay....How old am I?' 

He completes one last squeeze of her breasts, removes his hands, and says, 'Madam, you are 50.' 

Stunned and amazed, the woman says, 'That was incredible, how could you tell?' 

The old man says, 'Promise you won't get mad? 

'I promise I won't' she says. 

'I was behind you at McDonalds.'

Camilla wore new shoes for her wedding and they became tighter & tighter as the day went on. That night, when the festivities were finally over and they Retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, Darling. Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!" Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigor, But It would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla. "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so Bloody Tight!" "Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla Exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!" In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I Told You, with a face like that she was still a virgin!" Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, Darling! This one's even tighter!" At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy Man, Always a Navy man"

Sister Rita was sitting by her convent window one evening as she opened a letter from home: inside the letter was a £50 note from her parents.

 

Sister Rita smiled but as she continued to read the letter by what was left of the last glimmers of daylight coming through her window, she noticed a shabbily dressed stranger leaning against a lamp post in the street below.

 

Quickly she took a piece of paper and wrote, "Don't despair - Sister Rita". She then wrapped the £50 note in it and having got the man's attention, she tossed the wrapped note out of the window to him.

 

The stranger picked it up and read what was on the paper. He looked up, tipped his hat and slowly made his way down the street and into the darkness. Meanwhile, Sister Rita returned to her letter hoping he would use the money wisely.

 

The following day, Sister Rita was told that there was a man at the main door of the convent insisting that he should see her, so she made her way down the stairs to see what the commotion was all about.

 

True enough, she found the stranger, who she had last seen standing in the street, waiting for her. Without a word, he handed her an envelope stuffed full with £50 notes.

"What's this?" she asked.

"It's your winnings Sister," he replied, "Don't Despair came in at 80-to-1."

7 hours ago, roo860 said:

I've got tunnel vision I think!

8 hours ago, roo860 said:

<Pedantic hat on>

It only works for a year, between your last birthday in 2020 and your next birthday in 2021.  You need to drink one more beer for every birthday after your next one for it to continue working.  Which can't be bad.

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Making a baby.

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and  decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy  father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm  off now. The man should be here soon.'

 

 Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door  baby photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good  morning, Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'

 

'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been  expecting you.'

 'Have you really ?' said the photographer. 'Well,  that's good. Did you know babies are my specialty ?

 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a  seat !

 

After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start ?'

'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the  bathtub, one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the  living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
 
Bathtub, living room floor ? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and me !'

 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one  every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or  seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.

'My, that's a lot !', gasped Mrs. Smith.

 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his  time. I'd love to be In and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be  disappointed with that.'

 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.

 The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his  baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
'Oh, my God !' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

 
And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their  mother was so difficult to work with.'

'She was difficult ?' asked Mrs. Smith.

Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the  park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look'

 'Four and five deep ?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than  three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could  hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.  

 

Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in.'ࠠ
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,   uh....equipment ?'

'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and  we can get to work right away.'

'Tripod?'

'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my  Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long.'

 

Mrs Smith fainted....

Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.

I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like?’ 

I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’

She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’

‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’

15 minutes ago, sanuk711 said:

.

But why?

We all are so well behaved...