17 minutes ago, sanuk711 said:

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If you believe that, you'll believe anything.

The phone rings at the local police station. “Hello? I’m calling to report my neighbour, Craig. He is hiding marijuana inside his firewood!”
Long
“Thank you very much for the call, sir.”

The next day, policemen descend on the neighbour’s house. They search the shed where the firewood is kept.

Using axes, they bust open every piece of wood, but find no marijuana. They swear at the neighbours and leave.

The phone rings at the neighbours house.

"Hey, Craig, did the police come?”

“Yep.”

“Did they chop your firewood?”

“Sure did, Eric. Thanks!”

“Great, now it’s your turn to call. I need my garden ploughed.”

Two whales.. John and Jenny are swimming in the ocean.
John is mourning the recent loss of his father who was killed by a whale fishing boat.

 

A few days later John and Jenny come across an similar looking Boat... with excitement John realizes that it’s the fishing boat that killed his father ... he is seeking revenge for the death of his father!

 

John tells Jenny about a plan he came up with. They both should dive underneath the fishing boat and blow out as much air as they can from their blowholes and by doing this capsize the fishing boat.

 

After some convincing Jenny agrees to the plan. They both dive underneath the fishing boat and blow out as much air as they can, successfully capsizing the fishing boat.

 

John is filled with hate and anger as he sees the fishermen escape from the capsized ship, trying to reach a close shore.

 

He turns to Jenni and tells her that they can’t just let this fisherman escape! He has a new idea, they should eat all the fisherman while they are trying to escape.

 

Jenny looks in shock and turns to John and tells him: No John! I agreed to a <deleted> but I won’t swallow seamen!

A reality check

I went for a run this morning but had to come back after two minutes because I’d forgotten something.

I’d forgotten that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes......

The Police are your friend

 

Making sure she doesn't fall off. So thoughtful......

Then again, looking at the size of her feet.....He just maybe checking out something else.

 

57 minutes ago, sanuk711 said:

Making sure she doesn't fall off. So thoughtful......

Then again, looking at the size of her feet.....He just maybe checking out something else.

 

He’s checking to see if she is wearing protection !!

????????????

 

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Camilla wore new shoes for her wedding and they became tighter & tighter as the day went on.

That night, when the festivities were finally over and they Retired to their room, she flopped on the bed and said, "Charles, Darling. Please remove my shoes. My feet are killing me!"

Her ever-obedient Prince of Wales attacked her right shoe with vigour, But It would not budge. "Harder!" yelled Camilla. "Harder!" Charles yelled back, "I'm trying, darling! But it's just so Bloody Tight!"

"Come on! Give it all you've got!" she cried. Finally, when it released, Charles let out a big groan and Camilla Exclaimed, "There! Oh, God, that feels so good!"

In their bedroom next door, the Queen said to Prince Phillip, "See! I Told You, with a face like that she was still a virgin!"

Meanwhile, as Charles tried to remove her left shoe, he cried, "Oh, God, Darling! This one's even tighter!" At which Prince Phillip said to the Queen, "That's my boy: once a Navy Man, Always a Navy man"

Kingfishers of two different species!
Rare capture together in amicable fellowship!

 

A good breakfast going to waste!!!!!

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sat up and saw his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looked around the room and saw that it was in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So was the rest of the house.

 

He took the aspirins, and cringed when he saw a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he noticed a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to get groceries to make you your favourite dinner tonight. I love you, darling!" He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the morning newspaper. His son was also at the table, eating. Jack asked, "Son, what happened last night?" "Well, you came home after 3 A.M, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door." Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me??"

 

His son replied, "Oh THAT! Mum dragged you to the bathroom to clean you up, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, 'Leave me alone b****, I'm married!'"