My wife's back on the warpath again.

Last night she said she wanted to make a sex movie, and all I did was suggest we should hold auditions for her part.

I spent a couple of hours defrosting the fridge last night, or "foreplay" as she likes to call it.

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says "I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him back in church for an hour after service for me?"
Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees.
After the service, Mike starts talking to the minister, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the minister "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The minister thinks for a minute, smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says "You’d better hurry home right now. My wife died a year ago."

Cosmetic surgery used to be such a taboo subject...

Now you can freely talk about Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

 Apparently...

 

 

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I've never got on with my neighbour . . .

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Thank you for your co- operation.

20 hours ago, roo860 said:

A good breakfast going to waste!!!!!

Two good waists going to waste in my opinion!

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“I bought my wife an electric guitar yesterday”

“A Fender ?”

“No, she loved it...”

These were taken from actual US court records:

 

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.

 

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid

 

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?

 

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.

 

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Two surveyors were working in the desert. One is taking a leak - and a rattle snake bites his weenie. He screams - "Doug, google snake bite treatment." Doug reads - squeeze around bite, then suck out the poison. Doug yells - "Jimmy, you're going to die!"