Two girls are watching a film in the local cinema when one turns to the other in panic.

"Tracy, the man next to me is masturbating."

"Well, just ignore him."

"I can't, he's using my hand."
 

What do you do if a pit bull terrier tries to mount your leg?

Fake an orgasm.

A gorilla has escaped from the local zoo and taken refuge at the top of a tree in a neighbouring garden. The householder rings the zookeeper who arrives ten minutes later with a pair of handcuffs, a Doberman pinscher, a stick and a shotgun.

"OK," says the zookeeper to the man. "I'm going to go up after him and poke him with this sharp stick. When he falls to the ground, the dog will go for his balls and as the gorilla puts his hands over them to protect himself, you slip on the handcuffs."

"That sounds easy enough," replies the man, "but what's the shotgun for?"

 

"Now listen carefully, this is most important. If I fall out of the tree before the gorilla, shoot the dog!"
 

My wife asked "Do you know any tennis puns?”

I said "No, they're not really my forte love".

My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathes nude in her garden...
Personally, I'm on the fence.

I think I saw Michael J. Fox at the garden centre yesterday.

It might not have been him though, he had his back to the fuchsia.

An invisible man married an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

I didn't think the chiropractor would improve my posture. But I stand corrected.

I took my new girlfriend out on our first date to the ice rink, and
entry was half price. She called me a cheap skate.

I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in
charge of the hops.

My cross-eyed wife and I just got a divorce. I found out she was
seeing someone on the side.

I got mine just in time for the next alcohol free holiday / lockdown ???? 

 

And another classic Farside ???? 

 

Tony Blair - Live after Premiership

 

 

Lamborghini Trombonale