I notice that the posts have become rather sophisticated recently.

 

What did the seaweed say when it got trapped in the fishing net?

 

Kelp, kelp!

 

++++

 

What can go up a chimney down but can't go down a chimney up?

 

Umbrella.

 

++++

 

Fatima, my second wife was hairy; especially in those secret places.

I arrived home from the pub and went into the bedroom. The wife was laying on the bed and in the half-light I could see she was naked. I quickly stripped off and lay on the bed next to her. My hand slid over and I started to stroke.

"You are getting so hairy down there Fatima. Very soft and furry."

My hand began to wander even more.

"You are very tight down there love. But a little dry."

I started to probe and inserted a finger.

Fatima said sleepily;

"That's the cat. I'm further over." 

Fatima also loved phone sex. She would put the phone on vibrate and get all her friends to call.

I come home and Fats was chatting to someone on her mobile. I went over and gave her a kiss on the cheek.

"Great! Lovely smell. Fish for dinner tonight?"

"That's my mobile; were having salad."
 

 

 

8 minutes ago, owl sees all said:

Fatima, my second wife was hairy; especially in those secret places.

I arrived home from the pub and went into the bedroom. The wife was laying on the bed and in the half-light I could see she was naked. I quickly stripped off and lay on the bed next to her. My hand slid over and I started to stroke.

"You are getting so hairy down there Fatima. Very soft and furry."

My hand began to wander even more.

"You are very tight down there love. But a little dry."

I started to probe and inserted a finger.

Fatima said sleepily;

"That's the cat. I'm further over." 

My mate had a pet tortoise. He picked it up one day and said "oh it likes me it is sucking my finger" 

Another mate said "you <deleted>, you are holding it the wrong way round"

A wife asked her husband: “What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?”
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humour!”

She got the house and car.

 

Wife: “What are you doing?”
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: “Nothing? You’ve been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.
Husband: “I was looking for the expiry date.”

 

Two husbands were having a conversation, First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel!”
Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

A young couple move to a remote island off the coast of Newfoundland. They are made very welcome by the locals although the husband is teased a great deal because he is clean shaven. All the other men on the island have neat beards.

One night, as the couple are getting ready for bed, he has an idea. When his wife has undressed, he asks her to do a handstand in front of the mirror. Thinking it very odd, but curious to know what he's going to do, she agrees. Then the husband puts his face between her legs and murmurs to himself.

"Okay, maybe a beard won't be so bad after all. 

A man goes into the confessional and says. 
"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. Yesterday, I cursed badly, using the F-word." 
"Why was that?" asked the priest. 
"I was playing a round of golf, all was going well until I reached the 10th hole when my T-shot ended up in thick undergrowth." 
"Is that when you said the F-word?" 
"No, I stayed calm, took my time and hit a clean shot out of the rough, down the fairway but at the last moment it hit a small branch and veered off into the bunker." 
"I like a game of golf myself" said the priest "that really is so annoying, was that when you used the F-word?" 
"No, I tried not to let it get to me. I took my time and hit a beautiful ball up onto the green only 2 inches from the hole." 
"How frustrating, is that when you used the F-word?" 
"No Father, I still remained calm..." 
"Don't tell me!" interrupted the priest,

 

"You, missed the <deleted>**ing putt you ****, didn' you!!" 
 

 

Please no “news headline” asylum jokes about the escapee who had raped a laundry-woman along the lines of;

“Nut screws washer and bolts”

 A man, his wife and daughter are arguing about who should pop down the shops for a pint of milk. "I'll tell you what," says the man finally. "Whoever speaks first has to go and get the milk." The others agree and silence ensues. 
Ten minutes later, the girl's boyfriend walks in.

"Hello everyone," he says, but there is no response. "How about a cup of tea?" Still no one speaks, so he goes over to his girlfriend, gives her a lip smacking kiss and leads her out of the door and up the stairs. Half an hour later he returns looking a little flushed but still no one speaks. He decides to have a bit of fun so he goes up to the wife and gives her a kiss. He can't believe she doesn't say anything, so he takes this as a "yes" and takes her upstairs as well. Twenty minutes later he returns feeling quite knackered. As he passes the mirror he catches sight of his bedraggled appearance and his hair which is now sticking up in the air. Needing to tidy up, he asks, "Anyone got any Vaseline?" 

At that, the man rushes to the door.

"You're right," he says, "a cup of tea would be nice, I'll just pop out for some milk." 

 

Times are hard down at the Wat !!

What’s Whitney Houston’s favourite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!

 

What did the the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two!

 

Why did Cinderella get kicked off the football team?
Because she kept running from the ball!

 

What’s the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
Attire!

 

How many ears does Spock have?
Three. The left ear, the right ear, and the final front-ear!

 

What did the buffalo say when his son left?
Bison!

 

Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward.
That’s just how I roll.

Is this 20 points ??

4 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Is this 20 points ??

No; as Vegans are pointless!

 

WHAT SOME PEOPLE SAY IN COURTROOMS

Attorney: What gear were you in at the moment of the Impact?
Witness: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

Attorney: Are you sexually active?
Witness: No, I Just lie there and let him get on with it.

Attorney: What is your date of birth?
Witness: July 18th.
Attorney: What year?
Witness: Every year.
 

One day a teacher was talking about marriage in class,
Teacher: What kind of wife would you like Johnny?
Johnny: I would want a wife like the moon.
Teacher: Wow! What a choice... Do you want her to be beautiful, bright and calm like the moon?
Johnny : No, I want her to arrive at night and disappear in the morning!

Husband's call to his wife:

 

"Honey it's me.  I don't want to alarm you but I was hit by a car as I was leaving the office.  Paula brought me to the hospital.  They have checked me over and have done some tests and some x-rays.  The blow to my head was severe.  Fortunately, it did not cause any serious internal injury.  However I have three broken ribs, a compound fracture in the left leg, and they think they may have to amputate my right foot."

Wife's Response: "Who the hell is Paula?"

And if you find that hard to believe, you've never been married.

Harsh , but could be true !!

Getting the pick-up ready for Songkran !!

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

 

The first time I ever saw my dad cry was when he was chopping up onions.

Well, Onions was a good dog.

 

My ex girlfriend kept stuffed animals all over her bed. It really killed the mood. Because she was a taxidermist.

Prince Charles was removed from presenting the weather after pronouncing “ it’s been raining longer than my bloody mother !! “

Meanwhile, back in Yorkshire !!

6 minutes ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Meanwhile, back in Yorkshire !!

i-Yorkshire - shouldn't that be e-(by gum)-Yorkshire?

i-Yorkshire - shouldn't that be e-(by gum)-Yorkshire?

Sum of us can speak proppa tha knos !!

Ere’s proof !!

A psychiatrist was conducting a group therapy session with three young mothers and their small children. “You all have obsessions,” he observed. To the first mother, he said, “You are obsessed with eating. You’ve even named your daughter Candy.” He turned to the second mum. “Your obsession is money. Again, it manifests itself in your child’s name, Penny.” At this point, the third mother got up, took her little boy by the hand and said "I'm not staying here to be insulted.  Come on, Dick, let’s go.”