18 hours ago, tifino said:

 

 

Well booger.. I think my licence might be in jeopardy.. 
and all just because of a stupid Hwy Patrol...
The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over on my bike:
Cop: "LicenCe and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"
Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."
Cop: "Ok' let's do a little test!

 - Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance; What is this?"
Me: "A car."
Cop:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Cop:"So, you're drunk."
Me:"But I didn't drink anything."
‎Cop:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you. What is it?‎
Me:"A motorcycle."
Cop:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"
Me:"I have no idea!"
Cop:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.
Me: "So... counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"
Cop:"A prostitute of course."
Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"
Things sorta went downhill from there, and now I have a court date to attend... 

 

 

 

OK I'll bite. I'm not sure what I am supposed to see here.

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Come on --Write your own caption

 

2 minutes ago, sanuk711 said:

Come on --Write your own caption

 

Mmmmm. .. juicy melon. 

Someone has glued my pack of cards together.

I don't know how to deal with it.
 

Ever since childhood Frank has had the fear of someone hiding under his bed.
He decides to visit a psychiatrist and tells him about his phobia.

"Every time I go to bed, I'm afraid there's someone underneath it it's driving me crazy!"

"Put your trust in me," says the psychiatrist.
"Come and see me three times a week, for a year.
I will be able to help you get rid of your fears."
"What is it going to cost me?"
"$600 per visit."

"Thank you, I'll go think about it." Frank replied.

After about six months, the two run into each other on the street again.
"Why did you not come to see me then ?" asks the psychiatrist.

"After I left you there, I went for a drink and lamented my fate with the Barman.
We worked out that at $600 per visit, it would cost me $153,000!

The bartender then offered to heal me for only $20, it was the best $20 I've ever spent!
I was so delighted that I summarily bought myself a new car with the money I saved."
"Is that so ?" says the psychiatrist scornfully, "And how, if I may ask, did this barman cure you?"

"He told me to saw off the bed's legs.
There is no way anyone can hide under it now!”

THE LESSON:
It's always better to get a second opinion.
Forget about psychiatrists, have a drink and consult the barman

I saw this geezer wearing a wig and asked him, "Oi, Tranny boy, what do you "identify" as?"

"A judge," he replied, as my trial got off to an abysmal start.

Does anyone know the number of an emergency vet?
I've just been checking the room sizes in a new flat and my cat has suffered some head injuries.

The England team have visited an orphanage in Prague,
"Its heartbreaking to see their sad little faces with no hope"
Said Miloš aged 6

Like many people, I had no idea what to do after I left school.
But after thinking about it for a while, I decided to go home.

Paddy and his wife go out for a meal on to celebrate her birthday. The waitress welcomes them, shows them to their table and asks them if they are celebrating anything special. Paddy smiles and says it’s my wife’s birthday! The waitress takes their order and brings their food. Smiling she says to them “enjoy your meals but make sure you save room for a free dessert”.

Paddy pondered for a while and asked the waitress to explain again and she says, “yes, if you save room we’ll give you a free dessert to celebrate your wife’s birthday”

He pondered a little more, then stood up and shouted “vroom, vroom”.

Steppenwolf was actually an assumed name.
He was born Toby Wild.

I learned 2 things today
1. You can enjoy assisting old ladies across the road
2. My new catapult works a treat

Chinese Takeaway £24
Petrol to pick it up £2
Getting home and realising you are a container missing,
Riceless.

Some pedia...!!!

 

The queen of Sardinia named Gedophamee { pronounced Get-off-me } was attending a great but as yet unnamed athletic festival 2500 years ago in Greece. 

 

In those days , believe.....me , the athletes performed naked.

To prevent unwanted arousal while competing , the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpetre before, and throughout the variety of events.

 

At the opening ceremonial parade , Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked magnificent males marching toward her and she exclaimed :

" *Oh ! limp pricks* !"

 

Over the next two and a half millennia that morphed into 
" *Olympics* ".

 

Just thought , I'd share this profound knowledge, in case you didn't know, how the word Olympics was coined...

1 hour ago, VocalNeal said:

OK I'll bite. I'm not sure what I am supposed to see here.

The missing "punch line"!

50 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

Especially if their name is Richard.  They could then definitely be called dickheads.

1 hour ago, ballpoint said:

Someone has glued my pack of cards together.

I don't know how to deal with it.
 

You really are quite a card aren't you.