Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm...
He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

 

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."

Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

 

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

 

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

 

The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."

A man went to the dental surgeon to have a tooth pulled The dentist pulls out the novocaine freezing needle to inject the man. “No way! No needles! I hate needles!” the patient said.

The dentist starts to hook up the laughing gas and the man again objects.

“I can’t do the gas thing – the thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me!”

 

The dentist then asks if the man has any objection to taking a pill.

“No,” the patient says, “I am fine with pills.”

 

The dentist then returns and says, “Here is a Viagra tablet.”

The patient says, “Wow – I didn’t know Viagra worked as a pain pill.!”

 

“It doesn’t,” said the dentist and continued:

“But it will give you something to hold onto when I pull out your tooth.”

 

I do hope they will be using cutting edge equipment!

 

 

 

 

 

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Porsche back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking!

 

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety.

 

The moral of the story:

If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Porsche to pick up chicks!

 

Yet another isolation false alarm!

 

 

 

Moderators Notice.

 

 

Whilst we appreciate the majority of users here may be adults, the forum is accessible to everyone. Please ensure that any content you post is therefore suitable for ALL ages and do not post "Adult Only" content. This includes not to post videos or images containing profane language.   It will be removed and the poster may face a suspension.

 

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Thank you for your co- operation.

 Never laugh at your spouse's choices.  You are one of them.

 

Camping:  where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person

 

When you can't find the sunshine . . . be the sunshine.

The Wife and I have had a disagreement of where to go for our Holidays.
I want want to go on a trip around the World. But she wants to go somewhere else.

Wembley woes

Gareth Southgate gets in a taxi and notices the driver looking in his mirror at him. After 2 mins the driver says "Go on then give me a clue?"

Southgate replies “I played for Aston Villa and England and now manage the England team, is that enough?”

Driver says "No I meant where do you want me to drive you to?"

Scientists have discovered that there is a certain type of food that puts Women off SEX

 

It's called Wedding Cake

 

An elderly couple found love late in life.  Both aged 94, they decided to get married.

 

On their wedding night, they were getting undressed and, half undressed, the bride turned to her husband and said: "I have a confession to make.  I have acute angina."

 

With a sigh of relief, her husband says: "Thank God for that, because your tits are awful!"

What's the difference between a Hippo and a Zippo?

Ones quite heavy and the others a little lighter.

My partner yelled from upstairs and asked, "Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone's got a voodoo doll of you and they're stabbing it?"

I replied "No..."

They responded: "How about now?"

A couple had been married for 20 years.

Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the light.
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. She figured she
would break him out of this crazy habit. So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming sex session, she turned on the lights,looked down..... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated vibrator......soft, wonderful and larger than a real dick.

She went completely ballistic. "You impotent <deleted>," She screamed at him, "How could you be lying to me all of these years? You better explain yourself!"

 

The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly :

 

"I'll explain the toy ....... you explain the kids."

Someone has glued my pack of cards together...

I don't know how to deal with it

I told my cat that I'm going to teach him to speak English.

He looked at me and said, "Me? How."

Can someone please tell me what the lowest rank in the Army is???

Every time I ask someone, they tell me  "it's private."

 

A recent study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live
longer than the men who mention it.

 

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam.
"Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked,"What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering.
When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student,
shakes her head and sweetly says,
"Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

My neighbor told me he was scared to plant an apple tree.

I told him to grow a pear.

How does one make a pirate angry?

By taking away his 'p'.
------------------------------------------------

why are pirates angry? because they ARRRR!!!!!

There was Daddy Balloon, Mummy Balloon and little Baby Balloon.

Every night Baby Balloon would sleep snugly between Mummy Balloon and
Daddy Balloon

One night, Daddy Balloon said to Baby Balloon
“Now son, we want to be proud of you, you’re growing up and starting to become a big boy and it’s about time you slept all night in your own bed. Will you do that for us?”

Baby Balloon sniffled and cried a little but agreed and so Daddy Balloon
took Baby Balloon to his little bed and tucked him up for the night.

Once again Daddy Balloon said…
“Both Mummy Balloon and I want to be proud of you…so please stay
in your own bed until morning”

Daddy Balloon goes back to bed but just one hour later Baby Balloon
climbs out of his bed and tries to squeeze in between Mummy and Daddy
Balloon.
Try as he might, he can’t get in so he takes Daddy Balloon’s nozzle and let’s some air out. He still can’t squeeze in so he goes around to Mummy Balloon’s side of the bed, takes her nozzle and let’s some of her air out. He still can’t quite squeeze in so Baby Balloon takes his own nozzle and lets some of his own air out and AT LAST he manages to squeeze in and nestle down between Mummy and Daddy Balloon

When they all wake up in the morning Daddy Balloon sees
Baby Balloon and becomes rather angry. He says
“Look Baby Balloon, I asked you to stay in your OWN bed all night
so we could be proud of you and here you are back in OUR bed!!”

Baby Balloon says “Sorry Daddy”
Daddy Balloon says…

“It’s just NOT good enough son…
…You’ve let ME down
…You’ve let your MOTHER down
…but most of all you’ve let YOURSELF down”

I brought a 70 inch colour TV off Ebay. it was only £1!!! in the description, it did say that the volume control was stuck on full.

 

I thought to myself, "I can't turn that down!"

I was lying awake one night and my wife asked what was on my mind.  I explained I was thinking about how she was like a drug to me.  Pleased, she asked,

'Do you mean you can't live without me?',

'No' I said 'I mean you're costing me both money and friends!'

Two old women on a beach, just as a streaker ran past, one had a stroke, the other one couldn’t reach 

9 hours ago, sanuk711 said: