One day a rather religious farmer was out mending fences, and at some point along the way he lost his Bible.
A month later one of his sheep walks up to him, clutching the Bible between its teeth.
"Oh, Lord," exclaims the farmer as he drops to his knees, "thank you Lord, it's a miracle!"
"Not really," says the sheep, "your name's inside the cover,

I've just been offered a job with the noise abatement society.
I don't think I can turn it down.

Landlord at my pub said, "Why are you looking so happy?"

I replied, "The wife just had one of those procedures done at the hospital today that would bring a smile to most men's faces."

He said, "Breast enlargement?"

I said "Nah, post-mortem!"

After both suffering depression for a while, my wife and I were going to commit suicide yesterday, but strangely enough once she jumped off the cliff I felt a lot better....so I thought sod it, I'll soldier on.

 

Will it be sold "respectfully?"

Thought for the day.

 

Many a little boy is the kind his mother tells him not to play with.

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I've just been offered a job with the noise abatement society.
I don't think I can turn it down.

How did you orchistrate that job.  Are you paid by volume of work and does it treble in the High season?

1 hour ago, fangless said:

How did you orchistrate that job.  Are you paid by volume of work and does it treble in the High season?

More important, what's the base rate?

Any fiddles on expenses?

The last British troops and their Afgan interpreters prepare to leave Kabul airport.

A couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary. 
When they were asked what their secret was to a long lasting marriage they said: 
"We take the time to go out to a restaurant two times a week. A candle light dinner, soft music and a slow walk home.”
 “She goes on Tuesdays, and I go on Fridays." 
 

At a fabric store, a pretty girl spots a nice material for a dress for her forthcoming Prom and asks the young salesman: How much does it cost? 
“Only one kiss per yard,” he replied with a smirk. 
“That’s fine,” said the girl. I’ll take ten yards.” 
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, and then teasingly held it out. The girl took the bag and pointed to the old man standing beside her, and smiled, 

“Grandpa there will pay for my Prom dress material just as you promised” 
 

What do you get when you cross:- A dinosaur and a pig?

Jurassic Pork. 

How did the McDonald’s Server introduce his wife?

-

"Meat Patty". 
 

Chat-up Line:-  • You’re so hot you would make the devil sweat. 

3 minutes ago, fangless said:

Chat-up Line:-  • You’re so hot you would make the devil sweat. 

I'd eat ten miles of your sh*t just to see where is comes from....

20 minutes ago, fangless said:

Stop bragging! ????