4 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Ah! Oh so lip smackingly enjoyable without the hint of French Garlic!

 

 

The Turtle
     Deep within a forest, a little turtle begins to climb a tree, tiny little step after tiny little step, perpetually slipping then regaining his hold to gain a little more height. After hours of effort, he finally reaches the top, and – inexplicably – is seen to throw himself from the tree, waving his front legs. Of course, alas, he crashes to the ground with an almighty thump.

 

Still, after recovering, he slowly climbs the tree again and does exactly the same thing, launching himself into the air, only to come to a crashing, crushing halt when he whumps into the ground.

Still the plucky little turtle won’t stop, and he keeps on climbing, launching and falling as the day wears on, while a couple of birds sitting on a nearby branch watch his sad efforts.
     Finally, the female bird can stand it no more. She turns to her mate and chirps,

 

‘Dear, I think it’s time we told little Tommy that he’s adopted.’
 

3 minutes ago, WorriedNoodle said:

Can someone point me in the direction of the punchline please!

Benny
         A city gent accidentally drives his BMW into a deep ditch on the side of the road. Fortunately,         an old farmer happens by shortly afterwards and introduces himself and his big old horse, Benny.
     Would the city fella like a bit of a hand getting the car out, then?
     Yes, the shaken city fella would, thank you very much, kind sir.
     Quietly, methodically, the grizzled farmer backs ol’ Benny up and hitches him to the city man’s           back bumper bar.
     Then he yells, ‘Pull, Jimmy, pull!’ Benny doesn’t move an inch.
     ‘Come on, pull, Tonto!’ the old man calls once more. Benny stands like a statue on a cold day.
     Now, the old farmer roars it out. ‘Now pull, Jethro, pull hard!’ Benny doesn’t twitch.
     And now, the farmer very calmly says, ‘Okay, Benny, pull …’
     Benny takes the strain and in no time pulls the car out of the ditch.
     The city gent is very appreciative but also curious. 
    Delicately, he … ummmm … asks the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three               times.
     The farmer replies,

 

‘Oh, Benny is blind, and if he thought he was the only one pulling he wouldn’t even try.’
 

A thirty-something Liverpudlian woman routinely sits in her local bar on a Friday evening after work casting a jaded eye over all the other regulars, when suddenly she spies a man roughly her age whom she has never seen before.
     Striking up a conversation, she enquires delicately why she hasn’t seen him around before.
     ‘Well,’ says the bloke, ‘to tell you the truth I’ve had a bit of a rough trot. A few years back, I fell in with a bad crowd, started doing drugs and so forth, and ended up pulling a series of armed robberies. My wife found out that it was me, threatened to tell the cops, so I had to kill her. I’ve just got out of  jail this morning, after serving twelve years …’
     ‘Oh,’ says the woman, ‘so you’re single then!’
 

The Airline
     A guy sitting in a bar at Singapore’s Changi airport notices a very beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thinks to himself, ‘Wow, she’s so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?’
     Hoping to pick her up, he leans towards her and utters the Cathay Pacific slogan: ‘It’s the little things we remember’. The flight attendant gives him a blank, confused stare and he immediately thinks to himself, ‘Oh, <deleted>, she doesn’t work for Cathay.’
     A moment later, another slogan pops into his head. He leans towards her again and says, ‘A great way to fly.’ She gives him the same confused look. He mentally kicks himself and scratches Singapore Airlines off the list.
     Next, he tries the Thai Airways slogan: ‘Smooth as silk.’
     This time, the woman turns on him. ‘What the f—do you want you ignorant dumb wit?’
     The man smiles, then slumps back in his chair and says, ‘Ahhhhh, you must be with Qantas!’
 

10 minutes ago, fangless said:

Can someone point me in the direction of the punchline please!

It's too 'arrowing for you.

17 hours ago, fangless said:

But how else can I practice at being the Christmas tree fairy?

Stick to the mince pies, darling.

Chat-up Line:- •  "I'm not really this tall....I'm just sitting on my wallet.
 

2 minutes ago, ballpoint said:

It's too 'arrowing for you.

I've gone all a quiver with that answer!

Just now, ballpoint said:

A dead boring job obviously!

One of the earliest dates I went on with my Wife was a Blindfolded Archery lesson.
It wasn't our first date, but it's the one that stuck in my head.