3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

I woke up in the woodshed this morning. Slept like a log.

If you slept so well have you thought of opening up a "(S)LUMBERLAND Beb and Breakfast" splinter group franchise!

3 hours ago, roo860 said:

It turned out to be a half baked scheme and was toast  by Friday!

3 hours ago, ballpoint said:

Just a quick heads-up,
Tesco are giving away free Christmas turkeys to anyone who can outrun their security guards.

Why have the Turkeys got security guards?
PS;  Is it OK to knock the stuffing out of them first?

Swedish Social Democratic prime ministers we remember.

Tage Erlander (1946-1969)

Olof Palme (1969-1976, 1982-1986)

Göran Person (1996-2006)

Stefan Löfven (2014-2021)

Magdalena Andersson (10am-5pm)

 

1 hour ago, mrpakchong said:

Swedish Social Democratic prime ministers we remember.

Tage Erlander (1946-1969)

Olof Palme (1969-1976, 1982-1986)

Göran Person (1996-2006)

Stefan Löfven (2014-2021)

Magdalena Andersson (10am-5pm)

 

I initially thought "Why is that post here"  Now  I get it on a second reading!

Note to self;  Keep up with current affairs in Europe!

(Amend countries and sport as required!)
The Punishment
A Kiwi is sitting with an Australian and an Indian in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled barrel of beer, when all of a sudden Saudi police enter and arrest them. They are initially sentenced to four years in prison but, because it is a national holiday, the sheikh decides they should be released after receiving twenty lashes of the whip.

As they are preparing for their punishment, the sheikh suddenly says, ‘It’s my first wife’s birthday today and she asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping.’
So the Indian guy thinks for a while and then says, ‘Please be tying a pillow to my back.’ This is done, but the pillow only lasts ten lashes before the whip goes through.
The Australian, watching the scene, says, ‘Please fix two pillows to my back.’ But even two pillows can only take fifteen lashes before the whip goes through again.

Before the Kiwi can say anything, the sheikh turns to him and says, ‘As you are from a popular country, and your rugby team are terrific, and your women beautiful, you can have two wishes!’
‘Thank you, Most Royal and Merciful Highness,’ the Kiwi replies. ‘My first wish is I would like to have forty lashes.’
‘If you so desire,’ the sheik replies with a questioning look on his face.

‘And your second wish?’

‘Tie the Aussie to my back,’ the Kiwi answers.
 

Jacko 
A Catholic priest, an Indian doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and Jacko from  the sticks are waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.
Jacko: What the hell is wrong with those blokes? We musta been waiting for fifteen minutes!
The Indian doctor: I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such poor golf!
The Chinese businessman (calling out): Move it! Time is money.
The Catholic priest: Here comes George the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.

George the green-keeper: They’re blind. We always let them play for free.
A momentary silence falls on the group.

The Catholic priest: That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
The Indian doctor: Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.
The Chinese businessman: I think I’ll donate fifty thousand dollars to blind research.

Jacko: Why the <deleted> can’t they play at night?
 

A man owns a farm out in the wilds. 
The Department of Labour claims he is not paying proper wages to some his staff and so sends a representative out to interview him.
‘I need a list of your employees, what they do and how much you pay them,’ demands the rep.

‘Well,’ replies the farmer, ‘there’s my farm hand, who’s been with me for three years. I pay him two hundred pounds a week plus free room and board. The cook has been here for eighteen months and I pay her a hundred and fifty per week plus free room and board. And on and on he goes about each member of staff until finally he says ‘Then there’s the stupid halfwit. He works about eighteen hours every day, seven days a week and does about ninety per cent of all the actual work. He gets about ten bucks per week if he is lucky, pays his own room and board and if he’s lucky gets a quarter bottle of whisky on Saturday night.’
‘That’s the guy I want to talk to, the halfwit,’ says the rep.

‘That,’ replies the farmer, ‘would be me!"
 

 Woman’s Perfect Breakfast;
She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is a model on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week for winning a commerce award.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Forbes as one of the wealthiest men in the USA.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton, ‘WANTED – MISSING’.

Woman’s Revenge
‘Cash, cheque or card?’ asks the sales assistant, after folding the items the woman has brought to the counter.
As the woman fumbles for her wallet, the assistant notices a remote control for a TV set in her purse. ‘So, do you always carry your TV remote?’ she asks.
‘No,’ she replies, ‘but my husband refused to come shopping with me and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.’

 What’s round and bad-tempered? - A vicious circle. 
 

Chat-up Line:- There’s a big sale in my bedroom right now. Clothes are 100% off!
 

 

My wife asked me to stop singing “Wonderwall” to her.

I said "Maybe…"

My wife asked me to go get 6 cans of Sprite from the grocery store. I realized when I got home that I had picked 7 up.

Why did the blind man fall down the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well.

I told my doctor I have this constant buzzing in my ears.

He said, don't worry it’s just a bug going around.

When people find out that I have a Police record they don't stand so close to me.

Circus clowns often argue violently between performances.

But they always make up before the show.

In a field of Scottish cows which one’s on holiday?

The one with the wee calf.

Wife: Darling, do I please you in bed?

Husband: Yes, I love that trick you do with your mouth.

Wife: What trick?

Husband: The one where you shut the f*** up and go to sleep.