The Immigrants
Two recent arrivals in Australia from Iraq are very close to getting their residential status finalised. Both intend to ultimately go the whole way and become Australian citizens and, over lunch, they have an intense discussion about which one will be more capable of assimilating and embracing the Australian way of life, of truly soaking up the Australian spirit and living as the long-time locals live.
They decide to meet in a year’s time at the same restaurant to compare notes.
And so it comes to pass. A year later, to the day, the two men meet.
The first man says to the second man, ‘I think I have just about fully integrated. Just yesterday, I ate two meat pies covered in tomato sauce that I spread over the top with my finger, while drinking a couple of tinnies of VB and watching my son play Aussie rules.’

The second man says, ‘F—off, towelhead!’

Licence and religion
A young man has just got his driver’s licence and asks his father if they can discuss using the family car.
His father replies that he’d like to make a deal with his son. ‘You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut, then we’ll talk about the car.’
The lad thinks about that for a moment, before deciding he’ll settle for the offer, and they agree on it. After about six weeks, his father says, ‘Son, I’m real proud. You brought your grades up and I’ve observed that you have been studying your Bible. On the other hand, I’m really disappointed that you haven’t got your hair cut.’
The young man pauses a moment and says, ‘You know, Dad, I’ve been thinking about that, and I noticed in my Bible studies that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there’s even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair.’

To this, his father replies, ‘Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?’
 

Temptation
A priest and a rabbi are sitting next to each other on an aeroplane.
After a while, the priest turns to the rabbi and asks, ‘Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?’
The rabbi responds, ‘Yes, that is still one of our beliefs.’
The priest then asks, ‘Have you ever eaten pork?’
The rabbi replies, ‘Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and tasted a ham sandwich.’
The priest nods in understanding and goes on with his reading.
A while later, the rabbi speaks up and asks the priest, ‘Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?’
The priest replied, ‘Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith.’
The rabbi then asks him, ‘Father, have you ever fallen to the temptation of the flesh?’
The priest replies, ‘Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith.’
The rabbi nods understandingly. He is silent for a bit.

Finally, the rabbi says, ‘Sure beats a ham sandwich, doesn’t it?’
 

Bruce and Trevor are beggars.

They beg in different areas of London. Trevor puts in just as many hours as Bruce and at the same pitch but only collects two to three Pounds every day. Bruce takes home a suitcase full of £5 notes, drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house and has a lot of money to spend.
Trevor says to Bruce , ‘I work just as long and hard as you do, so how do you manage to bring home a suitcase full dosh every day?’
Bruce says, ‘Look at your sign. What does it say?’
Trevor’s sign reads: ‘I have no work, and have a wife and six kids to support’.
Bruce  says, ‘No wonder you only get two or three quid a day.’
Trevor says, ‘So what does your sign say?’
So Bruce  shows him his sign. It reads:

 

‘I only need another £10 to move back to Scotland’.

1 hour ago, WorriedNoodle said:

There was a joke on what Hitler meant by that salute: Gray paint up to here, white paint from here to ceiling...

 

(he was a painter, after all)

 

Some interesting parts about him (not a joke):

- He's actually Austrian, not German

- His best friend was Jewish

- He was rejected from academy of arts in Vienna, and lived with his Jewish friend's family in Vienna when he had no place to live

- He only focused repression against Jews as that was politically popular at the time

- He was a short man and had his photographer take photos from low angle, to make him look taller. He was very frustrated over his height

- He was a heavy cocaine addict, and that was prescribed to him by his doctor for health problems

 

There's more, but enough for now. Source: National Geographic