On 11/19/2021 at 3:04 AM, WorriedNoodle said:

What's got your back up Quasimodo?

Two young married women, both next-door neighbours were returning home from a hen party late at night.

One hissed "I need to take a pee, I'm wetting myself" "Me too" responded her companion "but there are too many lights here"

They were passing a local cemetery so jumped over the low wall into shadow to relieve themselves.

"Drat" said one "I don't have any tissues to wipe myself. I will have to use my knickers"
She wiped herself and threw the wet knickers into a bush.

The second woman too had no tissues. "I'm not using my knicks she said, they're new" 
Instead she cast around and spotted an old wreath with shrivelled dried leaves, grabbed it and wiped herself.

Finished, they both returned home.

Next morning the two husbands were talking over the garden fence.

One said, "That's the last time I let my wife out by herself. Last night she came home with no knickers!"

The second husband said, "I should be so lucky. I found this stuck to my wife's crotch" 
He handed a label to his neighbour who read out the faded blue hand written note.

"From the entire crew at the Fire Station. We will never forget you"

1 hour ago, PETERTHEEATER said:

What's got your back up Quasimodo?

I don't know, I just got the hump!

Heard the one about the car designer who crossed a Toyota with Quasimodo?

He came up with both

The Hatchback of Notre Dame!

                        and 

The Huntchback of Motor Homes!

Quasimodo was riding the bus when it drove past his stop.

He yelled at the driver "Hey, I wanted to get off there but you didn't stop"

The driver slowed, opened the door and shouted "Jump"

Quasimoda said "Whadya think this is a effin parachute!"

Need cheering up?
Start an argument with somebody when they have the hiccoughs.

I entered a Political Correctness competition yesterday.
I came first.
There again, so did everybody else.

Sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air.
But then I think, how would I catch them?

BBC News:
Man killed in A4 tragedy.
That must have been one hell of a paper cut.

I bumped into an old school mate yesterday, I said, "Blimey, I've not seen you for donkey's years, how are you and what are you up to nowadays"?
He said "I'm fine, at the moment I help giving out clothes to poor people"
I said "That's great, a very charitable job"
He replied "No, not really, I work as a checkout assistant in Primark"

13 weeks until Pancake Day and already the shops are selling flour and eggs!

I slept with my wife's sister, now I feel awful.

I think she gave me a cold.

I made a graph of all my past relationships...
It has an ex axis and a why axis.

The former model Katie Price has received a 16-week suspended jail sentence and has been banned from driving for two years after she admitted drink-driving while disqualified and without insurance after a crash near her home in Sussex.
Daniel Price, aged 26, from Maidstone, was sentenced to 60 days in prison on 26 October 2021 at West Kent Magistrates' Court in Sevenoaks. He pleaded guilty to driving when above the legal drink-drive limit and failing to stop after a road accident, in Maidstone, on 15 August 2021.
Tyrone Price, 32, has been jailed for 3 months after admitting to being behind the wheel of a car that was involved in an accident in Shrewsbury. He was driving a Vauxhall Corsa at approximately 2.20am on December 13 2019 when he lost control and struck a lamppost.
I found this information on a Price comparison site

I can't wait for the day when pigs get wings and will be able to fly.
A lot of women will owe me a lot sex.

I went up to a homeless man sitting on a bench in the town centre today with a cup of coffee for him.
I sat next to him and asked how he'd got in this position.
He said to me "You know, three weeks ago I had it all, my own accommodation, a cook, good food, the internet, TV, I used to go to the gym, to the swimming pool, the library, everything"
I replied, "Blimey, that's a bit rough, what happened, bad luck, divorce, drugs, alcohol problems"?
He said "Nah, I got released from prison"

Sex without love is an empty experience.
But as empty experiences go, it's probably the best.

I've seen an advert for a 7.5 tonne lorry driver, starting mid January.
I don't think I'm going to make the weight in time.

I visited a curiosity shop earlier.
Not one dead cat.