The baaad Christmas jokes thread - old, new, recycled we don't care, they just have to be bad!

[Lacessit]

3 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

Groan

[ravip]

[Lacessit]

Congratulations everyone for providing a good laugh

[ravip]

[Lacessit]

Bummer of a birthmark, Hal

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

[Lacessit]

A man is cupping his hand to scoop water from a Highland burn.

 

The gamekeeper shouts, “Dinnae drink thon water, mun, it’s foo o’ coo’s <deleted> ’n’ pish.”

The man replies, “My good fellow, I’m English. Be a good chap and repeat that in the Queen’s English.”

The gamekeeper replies, “I said use both hands – you get more that way.”

 

[Lacessit]

The immortal exchange from M#A#S#H

 

Major Frank Burns: " I don't understand why people instantly dislike me".

 

Trapper John: " It saves time, Frank".

[Carib]

[Carib]

[scottiejohn]

“Why won’t Donald Trump be attending midnight mass this year?"
"Fake pews.” 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

MORE GROANARAMA BAAAD ONE LINERS AS REQUESTED BY CROSSY

Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soots him
Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.
What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic
Why does Santa have 3 gardens? So he can ho-ho-ho.
What do snowmen eat for breakfast? Snowflakes
What do you call a chicken at the North Pole? Lost.
Why did Santa go to jail? He sleighed an elf.
I love when candy canes are in mint condition.
Who delivers presents to baby sharks at Christmas? Santa Jaws!
what do you call an elf that can sing? A wrapper.
What type of Christmas dessert shouldn’t you trust? Mince spies!
Santa was forced to attend a Christmas party because his presents was required.
The North Pole doesn't import goods because it’s Elf Sufficient.
Christmas tree trend started because people thought it would spruce things up a bit.
Reindeer don't go to public school, they’re elf taught.
Santa Claus' favorite swimming spot is the North Pool.
What name does Santa Claus use when he takes a rest from delivering presents? Santa Pause!
The Turkey wasn't hungry at Christmas because he was already stuffed.

What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.

“What is Santa’s favourite pizza?” "One that’s deep-pan, crisp and even.” 

“The one thing women don’t want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.”

“My Christmas decorations are inflatable. I’m forever blowing baubles.” 
“Who hides in the bakery at Christmas? "A Mince Spy.” 
 

[scottiejohn]

 

Hands up those who sang the words to themselves and added another line themselves!

[scottiejohn]

[Lacessit]

[Lacessit]

[Lacessit]

New Zealand folk song

 

We three kings of Orient are
One on a tractor, two in a car
One on a scooter
Tooting his hooter
Following yonder star

Oh, oh
Star of wonder
Star of light
Star of bewdy, she'll be right
Star of glory, that's the story
Following yonder star . ..

[Jonah Tenner]

[billd766]

39 minutes ago, Lacessit said:

New Zealand folk song

 

We three kings of Orient are
One on a tractor, two in a car
One on a scooter
Tooting his hooter
Following yonder star

Oh, oh
Star of wonder
Star of light
Star of bewdy, she'll be right
Star of glory, that's the story
Following yonder star . ..

The one I remember was 

 

We four Beatles of Liverpool are,
Paul in a taxi, John in a car,
George on a scooter, beeping his hooter,
Following Ringo Star.

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

What kind of motor bike does Santa ride?

A Holly Davidson.

 

How did Scrooge score a winning goal?

The ghost of Christmas passed.

 

Why did no-one bid for Blitzen and Rudolph on eBay?

Because they were two deer.

 

What is Good King Wenceslaus's favourite pizza?

One that is deep-pan, crisp and even.

 

What prize did Frosty the Snowman win?

Best in snow.

 

How did Darth Vader know what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

[scottiejohn]

 

What does Donald Trump do after he pulls a cracker? Pays her off.

Why is Theresa May encouraging board games at Christmas? Because she's trying to bring back Chequers  (*1)
Why has Debenhams been forced to cancel its Christmas nativity play? No prophet (*2) 
What does Philip Green buy former employees for Christmas? Their silence (*3)
When do sheep practise their new dance?

While shepherds watched them floss by night.

What's the difference between the Love Island villa and the stable where Jesus was born? The stable has had some wise men in it.

Why does Kim Kardashian hate Christmas so much? She's always the butt of the Christmas cracker jokes

What is Meghan buying Harry, William and Charles for Christmas? Suits

Why was everyone hungover after Roxanne Pallett's Christmas party? She misjudged the strength of the punch

Why did Donald Trump invite Kanye West round to help with his Christmas presents? Because Kanye is Trump's favourite wrapper

What's the biggest complaint about Network Rail's Christmas seasoning? They keep changing the thyme (*4)

Why has Boris Johnson bought mistletoe this year? Because he's tired of being in the single market (Brexit connection)

What's the only thing that goes on longer than Christmas? Harry and Meghan's wedding preacher

What did Banksy serve with his Christmas turkey? Shred sauce

Who won the North Pole Love Island? Dani Deer 

 

 

NOTES FOR NON BRITS

(*1) Brexit agreement AKA Chequers agreement in an earlier version

(*2) (Debenhams has gone bankrupt(ish)

(*3) Green is accused of sexual harassment of his staff and paying for silence ala Trump

(*4) New Railway timetable fiasco 

 

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

[Daffy D]

[chickenslegs]

[chickenslegs]

[scottiejohn]