Thai gf kid ignores me

[dd1988]

Been dating thai gf for 1 year.  Ive been in thailand off and on since.  

 

Her kid speaks english ok but wont speak it around me unless forced bt her mother.  She hasnt made eye contact with me since my recent visit either.  I dont get a sa wad dee either unless forced by mom.

 

Is this normal? Kind of pisses me off. I was considering moving them to my home country but could not tolerste her rude brattish behavior

Edited December 18, 2019 by dd1988

[CharlieH]

In my experience, no it isnt normal.

You need to either speak with the Mother and the child together and find out whats going on. Express your opinion and how it makes you feel and ask them to explain.

[dd1988]

3 minutes ago, CharlieH said:

In my experience, no it isnt normal.

You need to either speak with the Mother and the child together and find out whats going on. Express your opinion and how it makes you feel and ask them to explain.

maybe the kid is just shy?  

 

I asked gf why she is like this and she said she doesnt know what to say to me. Id say she could start with hello though

Edited December 18, 2019 by dd1988

[fishtank]

I think your GF should teach her kid some manners.

[Dumbastheycome]

No easy way to  say. Each situation is  different. How  old is she?

 

[CharlieH]

3 minutes ago, dd1988 said:

maybe the kid is just shy?  

 

I asked gf why she is like this and she said she doesnt know what to say to me. Id say she could start with hello though

It doesnt require words to smile and "wai" and shows respect, something the child is shown and told on daily basis in school.

 

[dd1988]

Just now, Dumbastheycome said:

No easy way to  say. Each situation is  different. How  old is she?

 

12.  Her mom has to yell at her to get her to say hello to me.  

 

My gut tells me that her kid is  slightly narcissistic and maybe recieves to much praise from her mom.  Her kid does not get enouhh socialization outside of school maybe this is a contributing factor. 

[dd1988]

Just now, CharlieH said:

It doesnt require words to smile and "wai" and shows respect, something the child is shown and told on daily basis in school.

 

felt rude when i didnt even get that after not seeing her for 7 months

[CharlieH]

Just now, dd1988 said:

felt rude when i didnt even get that after not seeing her for 7 months

That's exactly my point, that show of respect and acknowledgement does not require speech and crosses all language barriers.

I have a 3 yr old and 5 yr old grand children and  as young as they are its the first they do when they see me.

[richard_smith237]

No eye contact... Autism? 
 

Is the child communicative with Thai strangers ?  

[Momofarang]

Dunno, but I don't see how a 12 years old girl would accept a "new" dad, possibly "alien" , just because her mum decides she has to do so. At 12 she a Thai girl isn't a child anymore.

[HaleySabai]

This sounds like classic "step-father/mother" syndrome.

The kid is usually very bitter about the family break-up or whatever and resents someone else stepping into the role of her dad (imagined or literally) not to mention what she may feel about you poking her mother et... Very common behavior with tweens & teens, exasperated even further with the serious biologic changes happening to them at that stage of life.

 

No advice really other than be cool and try to understand where she is coming from. Someday she may come around with the proverbial olive-leaf and accept/tolerate you as "friend".

"Baggage" is never easy.

 

[anterian]

Girls in my village are very friendly, wai say hello etc, up until about 7 years of age then they develop farangphobia I suspect generated by school propaganda. 

[TallGuyJohninBKK]

2 minutes ago, HaleySabai said:

This sounds like classic "step-father/mother" syndrome.

The kid is usually very bitter about the family break-up or whatever and resents someone else stepping into the role of her dad (imagined or literally) not to mention what she may feel about you poking her mother et... Very common behavior with tweens & teens, exasperated even further with the serious biologic changes happening to them at that stage of life.

 

No advice really other than be cool and try to understand where she is coming from. Someday she may come around with the proverbial olive-leaf and accept/tolerate you as "friend".

"Baggage" is never easy.

 

 

Perhaps it's because the OP (no offense meant) is the latest male "daddie" that the Thai mom has paraded thru her life, only to be replaced not long after by a new one, then rinse and repeat... So perhaps the daughter is figuring you're not likely to be around very long anyway.

 

[Inn Between]

9 minutes ago, dd1988 said:

My gut tells me that her kid is  slightly narcissistic and maybe recieves to much praise from her mom.  Her kid does not get enouhh socialization outside of school maybe this is a contributing factor. 

In my experience almost all Thai children are doted over excessively by their mothers and receive heaps of praise from them, especially when an only child is involved.

 

Perhaps the lack of social skill development is more of a factor, or perhaps she's just completely bought in to a xenophobic belief that no farang is good or should be trusted.

 

I only hope that her mother's insistence to show you gestures of respect don't create a lot of resentment. It's a bit of a rock and hard place situation, I'd think.

 

IMO, just giving her space and time to come around (or not) is best. Forcing the issue or insisting that she behave in a certain way to show respect can only make things worse. 

[Dumbastheycome]

6 minutes ago, dd1988 said:

12.  Her mom has to yell at her to get her to say hello to me.  

 

My gut tells me that her kid is  slightly narcissistic and maybe recieves to much praise from her mom.  Her kid does not get enouhh socialization outside of school maybe this is a contributing factor. 

So many  variables. Only  you  have  any real knowledge of the situation  but the most obvious is that there is  now an adversarery element that is  3 ways. Your  GF wants to  protect  her relationship with  you and her daughter. The daughter wants the same with her mother. A degree of  jealousy? Who are  you to her?. You  want  what? Do  you have children  already  to understand  family ways? If she understands  English  she understands  what you  say to her  Mother. In that  conversation do you include  her in any inclusive way  other than maybe against? Even  your  facial expression  can say a lot  she  does  not  like. Or  you  her's.

At 12  she  knows  what is  expected socially/culturally  but if she refuses then best way is to ignore  it  but always  greet or  speak directly  to her in the  nicest  manner. And ask  your  GF  to  not  yell at her  but  just quietly suggest.

As I  said  there are so many variables  specific to a  relationship.

Up to  you  collectively  to  work it out.

 

 

[Kwasaki]

35 minutes ago, CharlieH said:

It doesnt require words to smile and "wai" and shows respect, something the child is shown and told on daily basis in school.

 

Straight away I thought something to do with father or gossip at school in my experience.

A sit down talk as you suggest is necessary.

Edited December 18, 2019 by Kwasaki

[elliss]

 

     Been there and done it , no win for farlang ..

 

Edited December 18, 2019 by elliss

[orchis]

maybe the child has seen enough mother's boyfriends

[DannyCarlton]

12 minutes ago, Dumbastheycome said:

At 12  she  knows  what is  expected socially/culturally  but if she refuses then best way is to ignore  it  but always  greet or  speak directly  to her in the  nicest  manner. And ask  your  GF  to  not  yell at her  but  just quietly suggest.

Exactly this. Just persist, not in a forceful way just do it naturally, say good morning but don't expect a response, bring her a present when you visit but don't expect thanks. It'll eventually just start happening.

 

The breakthrough for me was when my wife, in fustration, was a bit harsh with him. I stepped in and protected him, not thinking anything of it. It was like throwing a switch and we've been best mates since.

 

Patience and kindness is all that is needed, mostly plenty of patience.

[Nakmuay887]

2 minutes ago, DannyCarlton said:

Patience and kindness is all that is needed, mostly plenty of patience.

I acted similar to this when I was a child because my mom was always bringing home "new potential dads" for me. Took me close to 2 years to finally accept and warm up to the guy she ended up marrying. 

 

He was patient and tried hard with me, looking back I regret being a little twerp to him 

[HuskerDo]

Look at it from the girls point of view. You are a guy from another country that comes and goes. She probably hears all that goes on at night between her mother and you. Most likely other guys doing the same thing with mom when you are gone. Probably just a nice kid that sees what her mother has to do to get thru life and doesn't like it. Lighten up. She's a kid.

[Nakmuay887]

5 minutes ago, DannyCarlton said:

Exactly this. Just persist, not in a forceful way just do it naturally, say good morning but don't expect a response, bring her a present when you visit but don't expect thanks. It'll eventually just start happening.

 

The breakthrough for me was when my wife, in fustration, was a bit harsh with him. I stepped in and protected him, not thinking anything of it. It was like throwing a switch and we've been best mates since.

 

Patience and kindness is all that is needed, mostly plenty of patience.

This really is spot on advice. Top to bottom

5 minutes ago, DannyCarlton said:

Exactly this. Just persist, not in a forceful way just do it naturally, say good morning but don't expect a response, bring her a present when you visit but don't expect thanks. It'll eventually just start happening.

 

The breakthrough for me was when my wife, in fustration, was a bit harsh with him. I stepped in and protected him, not thinking anything of it. It was like throwing a switch and we've been best mates since.

 

Patience and kindness is all that is needed, mostly plenty of patience.

 

[maprao]

Thai step children especially boys will always be a problem. Even after they become adults.

[nightfox]

Of course its normal, Your not her real dad and Your dating her mom and expect her to not have feelings for you, may it be positive or negative???... How would you feel if the shoes is on the other hand......Its not a Thailand thing as many kids all in all countries behave like that towards others dating their parents at first as dont take it to personal.

[Yinn]

1 hour ago, richard_smith237 said:

No eye contact... Autism? 
 

Is the child communicative with Thai strangers ?  

I think about that also. Autism. Is common in Thailand, sometimes hard to see it. 

 

If not, the mother so lazy to teach. 

 

Or 

maybe daughter rape before. Hate man.

[Bluespunk]

None of us reading your post have any idea what this child has gone through, and have no right to ask about such things as we are not the ones trying to be part of her life. If she has had either a very loving relationship or equally an abusive one with her father or any men in her life, that is going to affect how she reacts to you.
 

At 12 she is probably going through a lot of personal and physical changes in her life as she approaches her teens. This is difficult enough in a child’s life and the added factor of a new man in her mothers (and her life) is not helping matters here, especially if her mothers attempts to get her to speak to you are conflictual. 

 

If you are serious about this relationship you are going to have to give the child time to get to know you and accept she is not talking to you.  It might well be she just doesn’t trust you or it might be she resents your presence in her mothers life. Shouting and going at this like a bull in a china shop is not going to work. You need to show patience and not react negatively to her behaviour if you are ever going to get through to her. 
 

You may also have to accept the fact you never will. 

[JHolmesJr]

very common Thai female behaviour...crack open a crisp 500baht bill and see if you can turn

that frown upside down.

[FritsSikkink]

1 hour ago, dd1988 said:

12.  Her mom has to yell at her to get her to say hello to me.  

 

My gut tells me that her kid is  slightly narcissistic and maybe recieves to much praise from her mom.  Her kid does not get enouhh socialization outside of school maybe this is a contributing factor. 

Nice surrounding for the kid, her mom has to yell (why can't she talk normal to her kid and explain the situation) Her new dad wants to punch vendors in the face when he is asked for a price which is too high. I think the kid is ok but the parents need some anger management course. Learning Thai can be helpful too.

Edited December 18, 2019 by FritsSikkink

[seajae]

very similar with me when I was first with my wife, her daughter would only grunt at me, if I held her mothers hand or hugged/kissed her the daughter would go off her nut. Same continued after we were married, daughter was put out because she was no longer sleeping in her mothers bed or sitting in the front seat of the car, I did everything I could to get her to change even my wife helped but it took a few years before she actually accepted me enough to smile at me and talk to me. Daughter was a bit arrogant and probably still is but we get on really well now and she even wants me to adopt her, change was slow but we kept at it, its all you can do. She refers to me as her father and did so at school and when she started uni, the big deal for me was when she first invited me to her school on fathers day and got on her knees in front of me and gave me a card she had made, changed everything. Thai kids can be a bit arrogant and self centered, all you can do is let them know you are there for them as well as their mother and include them in everything you do as a family, they do change eventually