Thai Son won't let Mom hug him after 5 years not seeing her. Is this normal for a Thai adult?

[NCC1701A]

obviously a unresolved issue with the son and mom. could be feelings of abandonment which I find to be common in Thailand with the practice of parents sending their kids to live with other family members. Different in this case.

 

whatever the core issue is you need to find a way to get your wife and son to talk about it. 

 

My suggestion is to not give on your wife's son a hard time about this at all.  

 

Good luck 

[steven100]

16 minutes ago, Berkshire said:

Her son should realize that the only reason she's hurt is because she cares for him. 

difficult to agree if she hasn't seen him for 5 years ....

[OneMoreFarang]

9 minutes ago, NCC1701A said:

whatever the core issue is you need to find a way to get your wife and son to talk about it

I am pretty sure they will talk about it when both of them are ready to do that.

There is no point to rush them if one or both of them are not ready.

[scorecard]

57 minutes ago, Berkshire said:

Fair enough.  Then it's a really ridiculous comment the son made.  I would challenge him and tell him that he's outright lying.

Well maybe the comment from the son is his way of covering up his real thoughts and feelings. I have some education in psychology (not qualified), one thing I learned is that many people, from everywhere say things as a cover up and there can be cases where the whole situation needs to be carefully explored to get to the real specific cause, etc., which can be surprising.

 

Back to the original post, my Thai daughter in law has an older sister who had a son when she was just 19 yo, father of the boy disappeared when the girl told him she was pregnant, never seen again.

 

At birth the baby boy was passed to the grandmother (in Essan) who brought him up and did a good job and she gave him a lot of love. The boy didn't even know who his mother was until he was 14 yo (although the mother had visited her mothers house many many times, no attention to the boy, with the boy thinking the lady was just a family friend.)

 

After being told the lady was his mother, the next time the mother visited her mothers house the boy ran away and wasn't found for 2 days. The police took the boy back to grandmothers house, the boy hugged and clung to grandma and wouldn't go near his real mother nor converse with her. 

 

Now add another ingredient, the boys real mother had married (different man) a few years after giving birth to the first son and had several children with the new husband, and on the many visits to the grandma's house the new children were continuously given new clothes, gifts, toys and ice creams etc, but nothing ever given to the first son, he was ignored by his mother.

 

Plus the mothers new husband announced quickly that the son from his wives' previous activities was not welcome even for 1 minute in his house. In fact he quickly told the boy face to face (boy 14 yo) to stay away because he had bad karma and would bring bad luck to his 3 kids.

 

Whenever they came to grandma's house the boy would disappear but always called his grandma quickly and told her where he was, and he came home as soon as grandma called him to say the 'visitors' had gone. 

 

Forward, the first boy did quite well at school, encouraged a lot by grandma and other family members, and he sat for the entrance exam for a good Bkk uni and was accepted, but he needed around 40,000Baht to start, for registration, fees, books, accommodation & food, transport, clothes etc.

 

Grandma, with the boy present, called boys' mother and asked her to contribute. She angrily refused and said 'I have 3 kids to take care of'.

 

End of story, other family members pooled the money to get him started. Within 3 months in Bkk he was doing well and he landed a good part-time job which has expanded into his good full-time employment now. 

 

Mother has never contacted him. My DIL has given him a lot of love and made him feel very welcome at our house and we always ensured he had enough clothes and money in his wallet. DIL tells me 'he hates his mother'.

 

Why am I not surprised. 

 

My Thai son and his wife tell me there are hundreds of thousand families with the same picture across Thailand. And in most countries in the world of course.

 

 

Edited March 5, 2020 by scorecard

[ThaiBunny]

I've observed Thai adult sons to prostrate themselves in front of their mother after a prolonged absence. Nothing surprises me any more

[Farangwithaplan]

9 minutes ago, scorecard said:

My Thai son and his wife tell me there are hundreds of thousand families with the same picture across Thailand. And in most countries in the world of course.

 

That is truly disturbing but as you say, really quite common in this country and others.

 

[scorecard]

6 minutes ago, ThaiBunny said:

I've observed Thai adult sons to prostrate themselves in front of their mother after a prolonged absence. Nothing surprises me any more

Sure, in different circumstances not surprising.

[BritManToo]

2 hours ago, steve654 said:

Her Son told me that when a Thai man gets married, he cannot allow his mother to hug him,

Sounds more like, 'after your mom abandoned you to go bang a foreigner you've lost all feelings and respect for her'. But that might just be me.

 

But why would you care? 

It's not your son, let Thai families get on with it.

Edited March 5, 2020 by BritManToo

[Just Weird]

1 hour ago, steve654 said:

1 hour ago, scorecard said:

And I wonder why the OP labelled the son as a 'coward'.

because I couldn't comprehend a grown man acting in such a cowardly fashion.  My wife is very loving and a very good mother always supporting her children unconditionally.

Cowardly?  You're suggesting that to hug his mother requires courage, what is the reason for that may be the question to ask your wife.

[YT3k72Em]

You should be able to see from how his other interactions with his mother go.  If it's only the hugging that is an issue, then he probably feels uncomfortable hugging. If other interactions with his mother are normal then he probably has no problem with her.

[Grumpy John]

Not a lot of love shown around here for M-in-L from her kids.  Or Vice Vera!  After I got to knoW mare and por I arrived one time and kissed mare on the cheek.  That got me into a bit of bother so I haven't done it again.  So yer,  Western style effection isn't always appreciated around here...in Thailand in general. 

[nikmar]

This has got me thinking about my relationship with my own Mother. I do hug her but it's more out of obligation and I have never been affectionate or even comfortable with being close to her. I have grown close to my Dad over the recent years but nevver with my Mum, more tolerated her than enjoyed a relationship with her. It's strange, I care enough to hug her and kiss her cheek so as not to upset her, but if im honest, i cringe inside when i do.

 

it's been like this for as long as I remember and I really cant say why. She has always provided and has never, outside of a couple of backhanders when I was a kid, been abusive or deserted me. She has been quite a serious drinker for as long as I remember but not to the point that I feel traumatised by it.

 

My wife loves her, lots of cuddles with her but I just never felt close to my old lady. Same goes for my brother as well. Maybe it's a good time to address this with her, Im hoping for a trip home with my son this year, while she is still around.

 

Not sure why Im sharing this. The OP got me thinking I suppose and i cant say I feel too good about it.

 

[ThaiFelix]

A lot more info needed here to comment really.  My Thai nephews wont hug their mother nor even talk to her on the phone.............and I dont blame them!

[soalbundy]

My wife's family isn't very physical either, I've never seen either the mother or father ever hug their adult children, one son lives about 30 km away and the married daughter about 500 km, when they arrive for a visit or leave it's just a wai. It is the same now with my wife, never seen her hug her two daughters or my 12 year old son, they have a casual affectionate relationship, not even a wai just "sawat di meer" but my two stepdaughters give me wai and sometimes an arm round my shoulders while my son will give me a 'bro' hug.

What I found strange was when my youngest step daughter was around 8 years old (now 19) she would go to her grandmother, who lives next door, when returning from school and say "I report I am returning home from school" give her a wai and leave, almost military like.

Edited March 5, 2020 by soalbundy

[neeray]

My first gf in Thailand had a beautiful, loving family, very close. Subsequent to her daughter's wedding, the family went their own way. There was no hugging whatsoever by anybody. As a westerner, I was a bit shocked. Then we went to the countryside months later to visit her mother. No hug, just a wai.

 

Fast forward a few years, new relationship and exact opposite observations.

Hugging is definitely a part of my partner's family.

 

To each their own.

[Isaanbiker]

OP, her son, might not agree with her choosing a foreigner.

 

  It's got absolutely nothing to do with being married or not.

 

Thai sons who love their mom would be the first to hug their mom.

 

No matter how long they haven't seen each other. 

 

 It's just one way to show that his mom made the wrong decision in his eyes.

 

  

[4MyEgo]

2 hours ago, steve654 said:

Yes it is his choice.  My choice at the moment is to not help him with his house as to me he showed huge disrespect to his mother.  Otherwise he's a nice guy, but the way he acted is hard to swallow.

Not wishing to sound disrespectful, or sound like someone who thinks he know everything, but sounds like he knows it hurts her and is playing on it.

 

If I was going to help him out buying a house, that would off of the table as he has shown me his personality, and I don't like it, so why even bother, help those that are deserving of your help, those that punish others willingly knowing it, deserve exactly what they dish out.

 

I hope he knows you were considering helping him out, so that you can then turn the tables on him, sorry.

[spidermike007]

Hugging is not really part of Thai culture. At least not for most. Not long after I met my wife, I grew very fond of her family. They are as good a family as one could ask for. Kind, hard working and honest as the day is long. We would visit, and I would hug papa, mom, and her brother and sister. My wife would not. After a while I encouraged her to do so. I think she liked it, and they did too. They just were not accustomed to it. Most Thais do not engage in alot of affection, or demonstrations of affection. I do. Life is short, and if I like someone, they know it and I show it. 

 

It is possible her son is emotionally retarded. It is possible he simply cannot give or receive affection. Too bad for him. Is there also a chance he simply does not care for his Mom?

 

[steve654]

51 minutes ago, Isaanbiker said:

OP, her son, might not agree with her choosing a foreigner.

  It's got absolutely nothing to do with being married or not.

Thai sons who love their mom would be the first to hug their mom.

No matter how long they haven't seen each other. 

 It's just one way to show that his mom made the wrong decision in his eyes.

 

  

Very possible as he is generally very anti west.  Never heard him complain once though when it comes to all the financial help he is given by us.  Wired him last year a lot of money to buy a little farm and not even a thank you could get out of him. 

Edited March 5, 2020 by steve654

[steve654]

42 minutes ago, 4MyEgo said:

Not wishing to sound disrespectful, or sound like someone who thinks he know everything, but sounds like he knows it hurts her and is playing on it.

 

If I was going to help him out buying a house, that would off of the table as he has shown me his personality, and I don't like it, so why even bother, help those that are deserving of your help, those that punish others willingly knowing it, deserve exactly what they dish out.

 

I hope he knows you were considering helping him out, so that you can then turn the tables on him, sorry.

He knows but I think I'm at the point where I want to distance myself from him.  I'm not expecting anything in return, but his lack of common decency is starting to get on my nerves and I think I've finally had enough of it.

Edited March 5, 2020 by steve654

[4MyEgo]

5 minutes ago, steve654 said:

He knows but I think I'm at the point where I want to distance myself from him.  I'm not expecting anything in return, but his lack of common decency is starting to get on my nerves and I think I've finally had enough of it.

Perhaps it's time he is taught a lesson, no doubt life will be tougher for him.

 

Sounds like he has been spoilt and knows little respect for women, especially his mother, a hug is key for her feel good emotions, while I have to admit, I was never raised to huge neither my father or my mother, but when I do see her I do give her a hug of which she appreciates, e.g. it means I still love you mum.

[steve654]

13 minutes ago, 4MyEgo said:

Perhaps it's time he is taught a lesson, no doubt life will be tougher for him.

 

Sounds like he has been spoilt and knows little respect for women, especially his mother, a hug is key for her feel good emotions, while I have to admit, I was never raised to huge neither my father or my mother, but when I do see her I do give her a hug of which she appreciates, e.g. it means I still love you mum.

You are quite right about that.  My observation has been that he has little respect for women in general as I see how he treats his sister, who is really an angel.    I'm not a huger either, but when I haven't seen my mom in a little while, she always gets a big hug from me and I would never run away from her as if she is some type of disease when all she would want is to hug me after not seeing me for a couple of years.

 

Yes, life is going to get tougher for him and he can blame everyone he wants to about it, but until he learns some common decency, I don't see why he should be constantly rewarded.  Rewarding ungratefulness is foolish too and I am realizing that now.

 

 

Edited March 5, 2020 by steve654

[4MyEgo]

50 minutes ago, steve654 said:

Yes, life is going to get tougher for him and he can blame everyone he wants to about it, but until he learns some common decency, I don't see why he should be constantly rewarded.  Rewarding ungratefulness is foolish too and I am realizing that now.

[scorecard]

19 hours ago, spidermike007 said:

Hugging is not really part of Thai culture. At least not for most. Not long after I met my wife, I grew very fond of her family. They are as good a family as one could ask for. Kind, hard working and honest as the day is long. We would visit, and I would hug papa, mom, and her brother and sister. My wife would not. After a while I encouraged her to do so. I think she liked it, and they did too. They just were not accustomed to it. Most Thais do not engage in alot of affection, or demonstrations of affection. I do. Life is short, and if I like someone, they know it and I show it. 

 

It is possible her son is emotionally retarded. It is possible he simply cannot give or receive affection. Too bad for him. Is there also a chance he simply does not care for his Mom?

 

Lots of truth in what you say, from my observation.

 

Another configuration is lack of strong affection (hugging included) in public say on arrival at an airport, but at home in private a lot of hugging.

 

Many years ago I asked an older knowledgeable Thai lady I respected about this, she had studied many aspects of human behavior, she spoke perfect English.

 

Her response was as follows:

 

'there is no specific absolute answer to things like this in any culture / society, however In terms of Thailand and especially older Thai folks, hugging and kissing (even a peck on the cheek), and holding hands, in public, are seen as low class behaviors', but at home hugging etc., expected. 

[AgMech Cowboy]

23 hours ago, PatOngo said:

If you ever crack the code of what goes on in a Thai mind, we'd all be interested to know!

Everyone is different...

 

I have 5 brothers. We all think differently and have raised our children differently. We treat our wife's differently.

[Khon Kaen Jeff]

You were 'fuming' yet you did nothing, didn't even confront him on the matter? Sorry, but who is the coward here?

[keithnchiangmai]

So let me see if I have this correct. Your wife, his mother, left the country and essentially abandoning him to go with you for a better life. You and she return after 5 years expecting the son to act as if she had been involved in his life for those 5 years. You both expect him to just get over it and not act like "a coward"! You and she take exception to the way he is processing his valid emotions. Perhaps you should try and look at it from his perspective and not be so selfish. 

[robertson468]

I don't think it has anything to do with Nationality.  Boys as they grow in to men can feel less inclined to cuddle their Mother, on the other hand others have a very deep and rewarding relationship with their Mother and enjoy being tactile (with in bounds of Parenthood).  Teen boys are probably the worse of expressing their feelings, but as they mature, they get over this "shyness" and then enjoy a more tactile relationship with Mum.  I feel sorry for the OPs Wife, but the more you force these issues and make an issue of it, the more the young man is likely to withdraw.

[IAMHERE]

Do Not donate towards the sons house.  He isn't asking and isn't expecting , right near not wanting money from you. Could be he has a very low opinion of his mom because of her associating with a Farang for economic benefit.   

[Khon Kaen Jeff]

20 hours ago, steve654 said:

Very possible as he is generally very anti west.  Never heard him complain once though when it comes to all the financial help he is given by us.  Wired him last year a lot of money to buy a little farm and not even a thank you could get out of him. 

Yea not good that. If you had helped say your wife's parents then they could be excused if there was no thank you forthcoming, as they have their pride and are senior people etc, but this brat has no excuse. I have helped out my wife's sister financially and she couldn't thank me enough.

 

Just don't give him anymore and wash your hands with him, would be old Jeff's wisdom.