Trying to understand a Thai family situation?

[Iamfalang]

Do they have basic needs?  If not, I think giving money is fine.  Help them survive. 

If they want to buy an iPhone, well, maybe a used phone instead.   

 

It does feel good to give stuff........giving money rarely feels good.    If they need a phone, give them a phone.  not money.

 

life is short, helping people is great.   Money will make them lazy if they have food, a room, etc...

 

 

[Will B Good]

15 hours ago, GarryP said:

None of my business, but how long have you been married? Seems there is a lot your are only now learning about. I would be pretty uspet, if it were me. 

16 years......I'm a slow learner......????

[BritManToo]

17 hours ago, Will B Good said:

Recently found out she has another house (Thai style) that she rents out, but her mother gets the rent?????

 

5 minutes ago, Will B Good said:

16 years......I'm a slow learner......????

Sounds like deliberate lying/manipulation to me ........ 16 years and she only just mentioned a house she owns.

[CLW]

21 hours ago, Kenny202 said:

Ive heard a saying here...crab in a bucket syndrome. 4 crabs in a bucket all struggling to get out. One finally climbs up and the other pulls it back in. This sort of help each other system might work for a poor family living under the same roof....pooling recourses etc, and I have seen it work very seldomly as it should Usually its one or two lazy or hopeless people pulling the rest down. Don't get sucked into it or passing stuff off as culture. You will gain no respect or kudos for it, only be seen as an easy mark and a soft touch. It will never stop and they will suck you dry. Let your common sense and own principles guide you in Thailand. In my experience being kind and charitable in Thailand only gets you regarded as weak and stupid. These people seem to like living hard and hand to mouth. Why they fritter or gamble away any  good fortune they get. They can live on basically nothing when its all gone. You probably cant

That's the reason why the majority of successful businesses and hi-so families are Thai-Chinese. They don't seem to have this weak point as the "native Thai" population. 

Plus they are working very hard, too

[RafPinto]

17 hours ago, Will B Good said:

Recently found out she has another house (Thai style) that she rents out, but her mother gets the rent?????

Recently found out ????

 

Soon: Now, found out that she never loved me and that she still is married to a thai bloke.

[RafPinto]

1 hour ago, BritManToo said:

 

Sounds like deliberate lying/manipulation to me ........ 16 years and she only just mentioned a house she owns.

She never told WillBgood that I'm her lover and she bought the house for me.

Will, please put some money into the new property to finish it off.
Soon after, we wave you goodbye mate.

[Will B Good]

5 hours ago, RafPinto said:

Recently found out ????

 

Soon: Now, found out that she never loved me and that she still is married to a thai bloke.

Good......he can pick up the tab.....555

[The Hammer2021]

23 hours ago, ThailandRyan said:

Mine put it this way "I do not expect you to rescue me by helping my family, it is my responsibility, but what they forget is how hard I have worked to create my career and set myself up for old age"  Of course I buy things for the GF that she would not buy for herself as she saves her money, and of course she buys me things as well, and no it is not from the local talad for 100thb....lol????

No westerner has had  to work to create a career compared  to Thais especially Issan  people. It's easy  for westerners.  Health, education, career path,  democracy, elementary social  justice, all the ingredients for an easy life that asian women don't have. Some people might think that only an arrogant  western male mindset  would compare the western education and ready made career trajectory they experience to that of an asian female  from  an agrarian  background. The Thais  know this. We are soft and lucky by an accident of birth.

[Sparktrader]

On 8/3/2022 at 4:28 PM, scubascuba3 said:

A thai friend of mine is supporting her mum and dad, brother, son, cat and dogs, maybe a buffalo too, I've told her don't give them too much otherwise they'll just get very lazy, more than they are now

I got asked to support kuds, father, car fixed etc

 

Lots of parasites

[it is what it is]

On 8/3/2022 at 7:28 AM, Kenny202 said:

Ive heard a saying here...crab in a bucket syndrome. 4 crabs in a bucket all struggling to get out. One finally climbs up and the other pulls it back in. This sort of help each other system might work for a poor family living under the same roof....pooling recourses etc, and I have seen it work very seldomly as it should Usually its one or two lazy or hopeless people pulling the rest down. Don't get sucked into it or passing stuff off as culture. You will gain no respect or kudos for it, only be seen as an easy mark and a soft touch. It will never stop and they will suck you dry. Let your common sense and own principles guide you in Thailand. In my experience being kind and charitable in Thailand only gets you regarded as weak and stupid. These people seem to like living hard and hand to mouth. Why they fritter or gamble away any  good fortune they get. They can live on basically nothing when its all gone. You probably cant

You will gain no respect or kudos for it, only be seen as an easy mark and a soft touch.

 

this is an excellent point, unfortunately many westerners see themselves as the big 'I am' and feel they are really helping and being appreciated, however, as you say, the opposite is often true.

 

i remember one ex-gf telling me after she was married that her husband had paid 2.4 million baht dowry and that all her family, and ever she herself, thought he was an idiot who didn;t understand thailand or thai culture. as a uni graduate with a decent office job she said the family would have accepted 200,000 baht

[Kwasaki]

17 minutes ago, Sparktrader said:

I got asked to support kuds, father, car fixed etc

 

Lots of parasites

I've just lent one of the family 20k so they could get something's fixed, I get 22k back. ????

[ThailandRyan]

13 minutes ago, The Hammer2021 said:

No westerner has had  to work to create a career compared  to Thais especially Issan  people. It's easy  for westerners.  Health, education, career path,  democracy, elementary social  justice, all the ingredients for an easy life that asian women don't have. Some people might think that only an arrogant  western male mindset  would compare the western education and ready made career trajectory they experience to that of an asian female  from  an agrarian  background. The Thais  know this. We are soft and lucky by an accident of birth.

Exactly my point and as my Myanmar GF put it so well, it is not my responsibility as her BF to take care of her family,  Yet many men think, or believe that they are required to help out, and if they do not it means the end of the relationship.  If that's a requirement for a relationship with a woman in this country then one needs to walk away if it is too much for oneself and they feel they are being taken advantage of.  Your point saying that no westerner has had to work hard to create a career is a little far from the truth, but in comparison to the Asean cultures it is far easier for us and easier said than being done in there world/culture based upon their status in life.  My GF worked hard to become a stylist and colorist training under the Paul Mitchell school, yet in order to work here in Thailand she has to be the shop owner, as she can not do a job a Thai can do and is looked down upon by Thai people because of where she comes from.  Incidentally she had owned a salon in Manila and that was where I met her. She started sweeping floors in a salon here in Bangkok at the age of 12 and by the time she was 16 she had gained the attention of the owner as someone who was a fast learner, and it was after she showed more potential over the next 2 years that, The owner who had connections, obtained a scholarship for my GF to go and train at the Paul Mitchell school in San Francisco when she was 18. Up until Covid Hit she had a 10 year Visa to the US for attending trainings and update courses.  Covid saw an end to that.

[scubascuba3]

30 minutes ago, Sparktrader said:

I got asked to support kuds, father, car fixed etc

 

Lots of parasites

Exactly why falang should get a vasectomy on arrival

[KIngsofisaan]

This topic always elicits the same exact responses.

 

You can always tell the have's from the have not's!

[Sparktrader]

51 minutes ago, it is what it is said:

You will gain no respect or kudos for it, only be seen as an easy mark and a soft touch.

 

this is an excellent point, unfortunately many westerners see themselves as the big 'I am' and feel they are really helping and being appreciated, however, as you say, the opposite is often true.

 

i remember one ex-gf telling me after she was married that her husband had paid 2.4 million baht dowry and that all her family, and ever she herself, thought he was an idiot who didn;t understand thailand or thai culture. as a uni graduate with a decent office job she said the family would have accepted 200,000 baht

Give zero

[ThailandRyan]

30 minutes ago, KIngsofisaan said:

This topic always elicits the same exact responses.

 

You can always tell the have's from the have not's!

Care to elucidate to us.

Edited August 4, 2022 by ThailandRyan

[Sparktrader]

People r no good

[OneMoreFarang]

It's complicated - at least sometimes.

IMHO it depends on who can afford to pay/help.

And in Thailand giving money to others, including family, is good for your karma, status, whatever.

 

Some girls, and their sponsors, pay all the time. And if some people or the whole family are used to that then it is obviously difficult to give them less or nothing.

Then the girl is often under a lot of pressure from her family. And then she has the option to (try to) resist that pressure herself or she (tries to) pressure her sponsor.

 

But sometimes I think there is a real need. I.e. currently the father of my gf was first in the hospital and now he is home again and he needs help. My gf helped him in part. But he is old and big and my gf is small. She is not able to carry him around.

So now my gf's brother, the son of the sick father, helps him. And for that reason he can't work. So what now?

In the moment I pay the brother some money so that he is able to help the father.

Why do I do it? Because I can afford it.

If I would be struggle to survive then I wouldn't pay. But in real life I don't even notice if I have a couple of thousand THB less. So I help.

And when the father is fit enough to care for himself again then the brother can work again and I won't pay anymore.

 

Is this story true? 99.9%. I know the family since forever, I saw pictures from him in the hospital and pictures of my gf visiting him in the hospital, etc.

 

I think if we are in long term relationship and we can afford it then why not help the family from time to time? And even if we are in not such a long term relationship maybe we just help people in need. Many of us can afford it.

[Ralf001]

On 8/3/2022 at 6:50 PM, Iamfalang said:

Do they have basic needs?  If not, I think giving money is fine.  Help them survive. 

If they want to buy an iPhone, well, maybe a used phone instead.   

 

It does feel good to give stuff........giving money rarely feels good.    If they need a phone, give them a phone.  not money.

 

life is short, helping people is great.   Money will make them lazy if they have food, a room, etc...

 

 

The house maid (well paid) asked my wife for a loan of 3k to pay her rent.

 

the wife said no, so maid asked wife to ask me.

 

Wife said for 3k he will want to do you up the cracker and then spurt the baby batter in your mouth.

 

I guess the need for a 3k loan was not urgent as maid declined.

Edited August 4, 2022 by Ralf001

[PJ71]

On 8/3/2022 at 5:31 PM, ThailandRyan said:

However, as of now she wants nothing to do with them.

Very few asians abandonn their family, in particular their parents.

 

This is irrespective of what they've done.

 

My observation is based on 22 years living in Thailand ( mostly rural life ).

[ThailandRyan]

1 hour ago, PJ71 said:

Very few asians abandonn their family, in particular their parents.

 

This is irrespective of what they've done.

 

My observation is based on 22 years living in Thailand ( mostly rural life ).

Unfortunately, in this case my GF has cut off all ties with the family.  They have soaked her for close to 2 MThb in the past 3 years, and nothing has returned.  The mother is young enough to still work and has a BF who is 45 and sits around all day smoking and drinking.  Without the BF the mothers business, my GF set her up with, would have been continuing to support her.  However now the mother is in the custody of the RTP and Military for illegally entering Thailand from Myanmar.  The mother has 7 sisters who were also sending her money every month to help take care of their father, but they too have now cut her off. It is rare but it does happen. We are talking about Ethnic Karens here and not Thai's.

Edited August 4, 2022 by ThailandRyan

[PJ71]

1 minute ago, ThailandRyan said:

Unfortunately, in this case my GF has cut off all ties with the family.  They have soaked her for close to 2 MThb in the past 3 years, and nothing has returned.  The mother is young enough to still work and has a BF who is 45 and sits around all day smoking and drinking.  Without the BF the mothers business, my GF set her up with, would have been continuing to support her.  However now the mother is in the custody of the RTP and Military for illegally entering Thailand from Myanmar.  The mother has 7 sisters who were also sending her money everymonth to help take care of their father, but they to have now cut her off. It is rare but it does happen.

Your gf would have expected nothing to be returned, she'll know how it works.

 

I'm pretty sure mother will get assistance from siblings to sort out RTP problem and get back to Myanmar. 

[ThailandRyan]

5 minutes ago, PJ71 said:

Your gf would have expected nothing to be returned, she'll know how it works.

 

I'm pretty sure mother will get assistance from siblings to sort out RTP problem and get back to Myanmar. 

No my GF expected it to be returned and has signed contracts which they have failed to honour.  As a business woman my GF does not deal with deadbeats, she removes them from her life or as a few of her employee's found out, she fires them.  The Mother's siblings have cut her off as well. The mother also has 2 older brothers who own successful businesses, 1 in Mandalay, and 1 in Yangon, they do not share anything with the sisters nor do they send anything to take care of the parents.  There was a family conference call today at 1:30 pm to discuss it all.  Brothers told the sisters to F...off.  The mother does not want to go back to Myanmar, she had closed up the House and was offered employment here in BKK running a cleaning service if she could return, a service she worked at for 10 years previously before returning to Myanmar 3 years ago to care for the parents.  Her BF is such a leech that the Mother sold off 10 baht in gold rings and chains she had and sold 2 motorbikes to stay afloat until my GF set her up with the business and built out the house, which is my GF's.

[PJ71]

6 minutes ago, ThailandRyan said:

No my GF expected it to be returned and has signed contracts which they have failed to honour.  As a business woman my GF does not deal with deadbeats, she removes them from her life or as a few of her employee's found out, she fires them.  The Mother's siblings have cut her off as well. The mother also has 2 older brothers who own successful businesses, 1 in Mandalay, and 1 in Yangon, they do not share anything with the sisters nor do they send anything to take care of the parents.  There was a family conference call today at 1:30 pm to discuss it all.  Brothers told the sisters to F...off.  The mother does not want to go back to Myanmar, she had closed up the House and was offered employment here in BKK running a cleaning service if she could return, a service she worked at for 10 years previously before returning to Myanmar 3 years ago to care for the parents.  Her BF is such a leech that the Mother sold off 10 baht in gold rings and chains she had and sold 2 motorbikes to stay afloat until my GF set her up with the business and built out the house, which is my GF's.

If this is all true your gf's family situation is not typical of asian structure.

 

You said your gf had cut all ties with the family but they had a conference call?

[ThailandRyan]

9 minutes ago, PJ71 said:

If this is all true your gf's family situation is not typical of asian structure.

 

You said your gf had cut all ties with the family but they had a conference call?

She has cut all ties.  She answered the phone yesterday when a cousin called her, it was how she found out about her mother being detained.  They set up the call today in the hopes the brothers would help after they had found out what the sisters and my GF had already done.  Turns out as I said the Brothers could care less, and when my GF hung up she said F....that family.  She has blocked all numbers now and has no contact on any social media platforms with them, and has not for awhile.  Unfortunately, they do know where the GF's shop and business is, and I would not put it past them to try something.  My GF is resolute in her stance, no one gets a dime from her until they repay her in full, which she knows will never happen, and is why she has ceased contact with them.

 

The family is all educated, with the brothers being educated in British Schools and being graduates of universities.  The mothers sisters are all married to Thai men who also own their own businesses.

Edited August 4, 2022 by ThailandRyan

[KIngsofisaan]

2 hours ago, Ralf001 said:

The house maid (well paid) asked my wife for a loan of 3k to pay her rent.

 

the wife said no, so maid asked wife to ask me.

 

Wife said for 3k he will want to do you up the cracker and then spurt the baby batter in your mouth.

 

I guess the need for a 3k loan was not urgent as maid declined.

Why would you even post such nonsense?

 

Why, why, why?

[Boyn]

I lent my sister in law 20000 baht 11 years ago when can i expect her to start repaying it?

I tend to think of the wifes family as a lot of vampires who like to suck money from wherever they can ,but these days its a no from me, the wife agrees with this no policy so lucky me.