My marriage is heading south. Dont know what to do.

[KhunLA]

Reads like you've made your mind up to abandon your son, and just want someone to agree that it's a good idea.

 

Good for you, maybe for him, as you seem to be out of the picture anyway.

[sirineou]

From the OP it seems that the child get's almost 8 hours of sleep. Perhaps not the adeal 10 hours the OP would like it to get, but adequate by most standards. 

So the question is. What would be more advantageous to the child? a little more sleep? of a healthy family structure? Is the OP contemplating divorce because of the child? or is it because there might be other issues? I am thinking that there might be other issues also. A person does not leave a wife he loves because a child only gets adequate sleep and not the ideal. 

     So the final thought is. Would getting a divorce ,if the stated reason was the only reason be better for the child? or would it be much worsts for the child? 

[phetphet]

Just a suggestion:

 

Is there a Kumon Maths Centre near you? Maybe you could both try and go 50-50. Meet in the middle. 

 

Take you child out of the high pressure school maths program and enroll him in a Kumon Maths course where they would still get some homework, but not too much. That might keep the wife happy while reducing the workload on the child.

 

GF's daughter does 2 x 1hr lessons per week after school. Gets some homework, but nothing lke you are describing. She is way in front of her classmates in maths. Many international school kids go there after school.

 

I drop her off, then go and have a coffee until she has finished, so it does take some of my time, but it is paying off.

Edited July 5, 2023 by phetphet

[OneMoreFarang]

40 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

I agree in a perfect world, but we don't live in a perfect world.

 

Way back ( many many years ago ) when I lived in Singapore, every year when the exam results came out, some students that failed were jumping off the high rises because they had no future.

 

The OP, IMO, comes down to a clash of culture, and the OP isn't living in HIS culture.

IMO by trying to stop his kid getting educational success she thinks he is working against the interests of the kid ( and her ) and it's not going to end well for him if he persists.

 

IMO if he really can't take it he needs to leave both and not make the same mistake again.

Maybe he can convince the mother that there is more to life than only good grades. At least I think that is what he should try.

[EVENKEEL]

Instead of a Gov school, suggest an English Program School. Better education and I'm sure less work. It won't be long before the homework will exceed the mother's level of education and then what? The kid needs you to be there.

[bignok]

1 hour ago, thaibeachlovers said:

Sounds like normal for Asian child that has (a) parent(s) wanting them to succeed in life and be able to support them in old age.

 

Perhaps she doesn't want the boy to end up working in 7 11 or some dead end job, and is doing what she believes is in the interest of the child's future.

IMO if the OP doesn't like what is happening shouldn't have had the kid and probably shouldn't have married her- it's not his culture.

 

IMO too many farang guys move to Thailand and marry, have a kid etc without making any attempt to understand the culture.

 

IMO till farangs understand they are not living in THEIR culture this sort of problem will just keep on keeping on.

 

But education doesnt guarantee a great job

[VinnieK]

1 hour ago, thaibeachlovers said:

Sooooo, you want the kid to have a wonderful childhood and end up in some dead end job for the rest of it's life?

IMO, in Asia success in life generally depends on success in school. That's because they don't take other people's money to support losers like in the west.

Math prodigies don't fare too well either.

She will probably end up a maths teacher ????

Like others have said, don't marry here and esp have kids.

Thai culture is the exact opposite of our own ????

[sammieuk1]

Suggest the OP ask his Mrs if she could teach my 9 year old son even the most elementary math's  there is a war every weekend as the fingers come out for 3+6 he is a brimmingly happy boy who loves school but alas no genius .

 

Recently he has been moved down a class being 3x the size of an average Thai kid of the same age his classmates are all microdots but he is happy as a pig in **** I can only hope he develops other skills at some stage ????

[BKKBike09]

10 hours ago, advancebooking said:

The only thing that would save our marriage and sanity, in general, is if my child moves out of the program into a normal class. But cant see the wife allowing this. 

How come your child is in an advanced maths programme anyway? And how well is he/she doing in the programme? IMHO people are either good at maths or not; tutoring helps with the basic stuff, but once it becomes more advanced it's hard to keep up. 

 

You don't say where you live or what your financial circumstances are but - as has been suggested - maybe look at other school options. If you're in Bangkok I'd look at some of the bi-lingual schools or a private Thai school, particularly say a Buddhist teachings based one like Thawsi (which is an excellent school). Your wife can save face with family and friends by telling them that your child is now at X or Y private school etc.

 

The getting up early and going to bed late is par for the course. Personally I think subjecting small kids to a daily 2-hour school run is horrendous, but many parents accept it.

 

Another option is to insist that your child take up an extracurricular activity that isn't learning-based. These days, having good grades from a good school isn't all that counts (although I have to concede that in Thailand it is still seen as very important, even if the person has no ability to think critically).

 

Seems to me that your wife has latched on to a simplistic  'child is good at maths so must do maths'. But if it turns out that your child is good at ice skating or painting or whatever, she may well turn her focus to success in that.

 

[EVENKEEL]

42 minutes ago, bignok said:

But education doesnt guarantee a great job

No education pretty much guarantees you a life of limited possibilities. 

[thaibeachlovers]

58 minutes ago, OneMoreFarang said:

Maybe he can convince the mother that there is more to life than only good grades. At least I think that is what he should try.

I think that she is more concerned about having a son to support her in old age than she is about a farang husband that may not be around by then.

[thaibeachlovers]

56 minutes ago, bignok said:

But education doesnt guarantee a great job

No, it doesn't, but not being educated guarantees no great job, or even a good job.

[bignok]

4 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

No, it doesn't, but not being educated guarantees no great job, or even a good job.

15yo to 25yo are the key education years. What a kid does at 10yo is irrevelant.

[bignok]

9 minutes ago, thaibeachlovers said:

I think that she is more concerned about having a son to support her in old age than she is about a farang husband that may not be around by then.

Farangs more likely to support her than a Thai male.

[spidermike007]

1 hour ago, KannikaP said:

And so does mine. Not listen = no salary!

Alot of men, who provide support for their women, don't have much understanding of the power and influence that gives them. You don't want to listen to me? Not open to my suggestions? OK. No problem. I am moving out for a month, possibly alot longer. Here is enough for the kid, but you are cut off, until you can get your act together and start behaving like a decent woman. A 65 hour a week job is always an option for you. 

 

OK? Earth to wife. Do you understand? 

[bignok]

1 hour ago, EVENKEEL said:

Instead of a Gov school, suggest an English Program School. Better education and I'm sure less work. It won't be long before the homework will exceed the mother's level of education and then what? The kid needs you to be there.

English means lots more opportunities. Maths is overrated. Good speaking skills more jobs.

[VinnieK]

56 minutes ago, EVENKEEL said:

No education pretty much guarantees you a life of limited possibilities. 

Truth is somewhere in the middle as always..????

[Plern]

11 hours ago, advancebooking said:

Ive been married near 10 yrs. We have a child under 10 who's in one of the competitive Maths programs at a govt' primary school.

 

I cannot believe how much homework and tests that my child has to endure. Its causing a lot of tension because I dont like seeing my kid getting woken up by my pushy wife at 530am and going to bed a 940pm tonight. So many hours of homework and questions to do from basically 5pm to 930pm tonight. Both of them are stressed by this stage of the night and I feel sorry for my child actually. 

 

I dont know if I can cope with years of this BS to come. 

 

If we divorce I worry about leaving my child alone with my wife who doesnt seem to care about the fact that a child that age needs 9 to 10 hours sleep. Im the one cooking healthy meals and if I go away my child lives off grab deliveries. 

 

My wife will not listen to me at all about these matters. I feel lonely in this marriage. My wife only cares about my childs success at school. 

 

The only thing that would save our marriage and sanity, in general, is if my child moves out of the program into a normal class. But cant see the wife allowing this. 

 

In summary, my wife is so caught up in her ambition for my child to succeed and be n.o 1 that she fails to see that its stressing everyone out and will probably be detrimental to our marriage that she doesnt seem to care about. 

 

If we finish we have to sell assets etc. Its would all be quite difficult. I would not know what to do with myself. Wondering if I should leave Thailand. I feel they both dont value my presence in this family anyway. 

If you want your kid to be a success than it will be up at 5 and bed at 930. Build discipline and ability to focus.

 

Maybe you can review the work and have him do just the first few questions. If he understands the concept and has proved his work then perhaps cut that time down.

 

All the students I've ever taught, the best ones run themselves ragged.

 

Being admitted to the best public schools will require long hours of study.

[Banana7]

What age is your child and in what grade? How old are you and your wife? Are you working here? What do you contribute to the family?

 

There are many mathematics disciplines such as: algebra, arithmetic, trigonometry, Integral calculus, etc. There are huge differences in the disciplines and the work/effort required. There isn't any consensus on the discipline definitions. Some say calculus is advanced algebra and geometry, etc.. There are very few good mathematics teachers or programs in Thailand. Rather than going deeper into this tangent, looking after yourself is important too.

 

Do you want to take control of the situation? If so, look at what you contribute and what the family contributes to you. If you control/contribute the money and there is no easy replacement, then use it to take control, but also be prepared for consequences. Think ahead!

 

If your contributions can be easily replaced or are not significant/important to other members, then walk away. Find another relationship that values your contributions.

 

If your needs/desires are not being fulfilled, try a trial separation. Tell her you need some time alone to think about important matters etc. Rent a condo for a month, wherever you desire, take a break, relax, enjoy life, plan for the future. Life is too short to be in stressful relationship. Stress can cause a heart attack.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[hughrection]

11 hours ago, bignok said:

My gf does.

If she gets a ring on your finger, then she will stop. ????

[bignok]

9 minutes ago, hughrection said:

If she gets a ring on your finger, then she will stop. ????

Had a ring before I met her.

[NanLaew]

11 hours ago, bignok said:

11 hours ago, JeffersLos said:

The one paying her monthly salary? 

What is that?

Oh, so it's nightly is it?

[bignok]

16 minutes ago, Plern said:

If you want your kid to be a success than it will be up at 5 and bed at 930. Build discipline and ability to focus.

 

Maybe you can review the work and have him do just the first few questions. If he understands the concept and has proved his work then perhaps cut that time down.

 

All the students I've ever taught, the best ones run themselves ragged.

 

Being admitted to the best public schools will require long hours of study.

Nonsense. A kid should be a kid at age 10yo. Up at 5 will cause burn out. 10yos should do no more than 2 hours study a day and get plenty of rest and fun.

 

 

 

 

[bignok]

2 minutes ago, NanLaew said:

Oh, so it's nightly is it?

No I have a real gf.

[Goat]

Hmmm. Most comments predictably backing the farang. 

 

I think that if it were the other way around and the farang was complaining that the wife didnt want the kid doing homework then we would be hearing how "the Thais " are lazy and dont think of the future.

 

I am with the wife on this one. Kids today are too soft, they benefit from being pushed hard. It will harden him up for the future.

[Yellowtail]

Perhaps the mother knows/thinks that unless the child is very successful, without the right "connections", life can be pretty tough. 

 

How old are you are how old is the wife? The wife may think she will end up dependent on the child long after you're gone. 

 

I would much rather my kid be doing homework than getting loaded. 

 

 

[bignok]

1 minute ago, Yellowtail said:

Perhaps the mother knows/thinks that unless the child is very successful, without the right "connections", life can be pretty tough. 

 

How old are you are how old is the wife? The wife may think she will end up dependent on the child long after you're gone. 

 

I would much rather my kid be doing homework than getting loaded. 

 

 

Without family connections the best way forward is good English skills not math. Also the last 4 years of school is what matters not age 10. The mother is clueless by the sound of it. 

[Fat is a type of crazy]

Become closer to your child. Go out. Play games. Then talk with her and see how the study is affecting her. Some kids thrive. Some kids feel overwhelmed. If the latter find a compromise. Sounds like your relationship can be saved as there are worse things your wife could be doing eg see gambling story. Maybe having more fun with your wife and taking her out might relax her too and make her less intense about the whole thing.

[Yellowtail]

38 minutes ago, bignok said:

Without family connections the best way forward is good English skills not math.

If one's goal is to work the desk at a five-star hotel perhaps. Even then, if the father is a native English speaker, it should not be a significant issue. 

 

38 minutes ago, bignok said:

Also the last 4 years of school is what matters not age 10. The mother is clueless by the sound of it. 

In much the same way that the last four yards of a foot-race are what matters. 

[bignok]

2 minutes ago, Yellowtail said:

If one's goal is to work the desk at a five-star hotel perhaps. Even then, if the father is a native English speaker, it should not be a significant issue. 

 

In much the same way that the last four yards of a foot-race are what matters. 

English translators can be well paid. All top doctors, lawyers and dentists speak good English.

 

Computers do math for you. English is fat more practical in modern world.