Right then lads, I’ve just had an experience that’ll haunt me bog dreams for decades. Thought I’d seen it all in Pattaya, bar-tarts pulling each other's hair out, soi dogs humping scooter tires, ladyboys fightin’ over nickers, but nope, the most danger I’ve ever been in came yesterday from takin’ a quiet dump in a shopping mall.

 

So I wander into this venue, yeah. Won’t name names, but let’s just say it’s on North Road. Place has got toilets that look like NASA mission control. Long electronic panels, lots of buttons, signs in Japanese that might as well say, “Press here to meet God.”

 

Now me, I just needed a quick sit down job, right. Nice and simple. But curiosity kills the cat, don’t it. So I think, “Go on Lewie, live a little, try the front rinse function.” Figured my giblets wouldn't mind a cooling off. I tap one button, seat starts heatin’ up like I’m squattin’ on a George Foreman grill. Tap another, next thing I know I’m gettin’ sprayed in the ringpiece with a jet so powerful it could’ve stripped barnacles off a ship’s hull.

 

Lads, I ain’t jokin’. It launched me forward off the seat like I’d been hit with a taser. I’m clutchin’ the sides of this robo throne, trousers round me ankles, water spray ricocheting off me undercarriage and hittin’ the cubicle door like it’s a pressure washer demo. I must’ve looked like a fat carp floppin’ about in a paddling pool.

 

And just when I think it’s over, some other light flashes red and suddenly I’m gettin’ blow dried down there with a gust so strong me bits looked like a basset hound’s ears in a convertible. At this point I ain’t sure if I’ve been cleaned, cooked, or consecrated. Felt like I should’ve walked out the cubicle wearin’ a halo and robes.

 

Staggered out the stall, socks soaked, hair standin’ on end, one Thai bloke lookin’ at me like I’d just lost a fistfight with the plumbing. And I’m swearin’ never again. Not sayin’ the name of the mall lads, but if you fancy a “holy water experience,” it’s the big one with all the countries for floors and the airport theme. Avoid the toilets if you value your dignity.

 

Pattaya, yeah lads. Come for the lovin', leave baptised by bog. Take it from Lewie, stick to the old school bum guns. They might drench your shorts if you slip, but at least they don’t try to send you to the afterlife via your arseholio.

ChatGTP is a time saver. 

 

A man in Pattaya describes a chaotic experience using a high-tech Japanese-style toilet in a shopping mall. Curious about the buttons, he accidentally triggers powerful bidet jets and air dryers that nearly launch him off the seat, soak him, and leave him disheveled. He stumbles out embarrassed, vowing never to use such toilets again, joking that in Pattaya you might come for fun but leave “baptized by the bog.”

7 minutes ago, LL 2.0 said:

Lads, I ain’t jokin’. It launched me forward off the seat like I’d been hit with a taser. I’m clutchin’ the sides of this robo throne,

 

This sounds made up. 

Been there, done that. I don't normally use a toilet outside my domicile, but after some dodgy noodle soup there I found myself on the throne. Had to put my cheaters on to operate the toilet. I must admit my experience was more of awe than panic.

5 hours ago, LL 2.0 said:

Right then lads, I’ve just had an experience that’ll haunt me bog dreams for decades. Thought I’d seen it all in Pattaya, bar-tarts pulling each other's hair out, soi dogs humping scooter tires, ladyboys fightin’ over nickers, but nope, the most danger I’ve ever been in came yesterday from takin’ a quiet dump in a shopping mall.

 

So I wander into this venue, yeah. Won’t name names, but let’s just say it’s on North Road. Place has got toilets that look like NASA mission control. Long electronic panels, lots of buttons, signs in Japanese that might as well say, “Press here to meet God.”

 

Now me, I just needed a quick sit down job, right. Nice and simple. But curiosity kills the cat, don’t it. So I think, “Go on Lewie, live a little, try the front rinse function.” Figured my giblets wouldn't mind a cooling off. I tap one button, seat starts heatin’ up like I’m squattin’ on a George Foreman grill. Tap another, next thing I know I’m gettin’ sprayed in the ringpiece with a jet so powerful it could’ve stripped barnacles off a ship’s hull.

 

Lads, I ain’t jokin’. It launched me forward off the seat like I’d been hit with a taser. I’m clutchin’ the sides of this robo throne, trousers round me ankles, water spray ricocheting off me undercarriage and hittin’ the cubicle door like it’s a pressure washer demo. I must’ve looked like a fat carp floppin’ about in a paddling pool.

 

And just when I think it’s over, some other light flashes red and suddenly I’m gettin’ blow dried down there with a gust so strong me bits looked like a basset hound’s ears in a convertible. At this point I ain’t sure if I’ve been cleaned, cooked, or consecrated. Felt like I should’ve walked out the cubicle wearin’ a halo and robes.

 

Staggered out the stall, socks soaked, hair standin’ on end, one Thai bloke lookin’ at me like I’d just lost a fistfight with the plumbing. And I’m swearin’ never again. Not sayin’ the name of the mall lads, but if you fancy a “holy water experience,” it’s the big one with all the countries for floors and the airport theme. Avoid the toilets if you value your dignity.

 

Pattaya, yeah lads. Come for the lovin', leave baptised by bog. Take it from Lewie, stick to the old school bum guns. They might drench your shorts if you slip, but at least they don’t try to send you to the afterlife via your arseholio.

 

I had no idea how perilous these situations could be. I'm truly thankful you emerged from this experience unscathed. Your resilience is commendable.

Great subject. Spoken in a Mile End lingo.

5 hours ago, LL 2.0 said:

Take it from Lewie, stick to the old school bum guns.

Is that Lewie or LL 2.0 or both? 

 

Bob, you have more name than a Thai chick. 😂

Another re incarnation for this drivel 

8 hours ago, Mike_Hunt said:

 

This sounds made up. 

Of course it is.

 

Just like you make up posts about winning an argument.

If there is going to be a churning of new names relying on AI chat programs to write their posts, could there at least be some consideration given to the parameters? These topics are repeated every 3 months.

Could someone explain why some "people" need to thumb down the OP?

 

A mild chuckle won't hurt.

Must be at least the 5th time I’ve blocked this clown

Sometimes I use the ones in the EVA lounge at Suvarnbhumi airport when I don't even need the toilet. I just pop in for a quick wash and blow dry. 

Bob. You really are something else and I don't mean this in a complimentary way. Boring tit I think is the English expression.

Which restaurant did OP have his last meal in ? By what is described, maybe that venue should be avoided. 

7 hours ago, Lacessit said:

Of course it is.

 

Just like you make up posts about winning an argument.

You're a sore loser with a big ego who will never admit they are wrong. 

15 hours ago, LL 2.0 said:

Pattaya Robo Bog Nearly Blew Me Ringpiece Back to Blighty

 

Its already in the UK... likely in the basement of your mothers abode.

Sorry, Lewie. I'm late to the party again!

This was a delightful romp! Quite up to your best days!

Do keep them coming. A good chuckle feels nice!