Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[dr_Pat_Pong]

[Artisi]

Must rate as one of the best this year.

[chuchok]

Aussie parents pinch pennies from piggy banks

8.20am Thursday June 22, 2006

SYDNEY - One in four Australian parents regularly "borrow" money from their children's piggy banks to pay for anything from bread to luxury holidays, a survey said yesterday.

Mums are more than twice as likely to raid their children's savings than dad, with 35 per cent of mothers confessing to the crime compared with 16 per cent of fathers.

But almost 9 out of 10 still believed they were setting a good example of financial management for their tiny tycoons.

Fund management firm Bankwest surveyed almost 400 parents or guardians of children aged 17 or under.

"I am guilty of the crime myself," Paul Vivian, Bankwest's head of retail deposits, told Reuters.

"If you can't find any money, you know the one place you can always rely on is the kids' piggy banks. But my wife always makes sure I put it back -- with interest," he said.

Of those who admitted to raiding piggy banks, more than half said they used the money to buy essentials such as petrol, milk and bread.

Another 20 per cent said they needed the money to pay off water and electricity bills and other utilities. But 16 per cent put their children's savings towards such extravagances as holidays or new cars.

The survey follows Reserve Bank of Australia findings that many Australians spent more than they earned in the past three years. On average, Australians saved only 2.9 per cent of their annual income.

Poor Aussies.I suppose once a criminal always a criminal.....

[dr_Pat_Pong]

The criminals were our forebears aka Soapdodgers. ( none of 'em were ever transported for knocking off a bar of soap )

[chuchok]

Gallop Poll

The Sydney Morning Herald conducted a poll of male readers to see what

exactly each enjoyed from having oral sex performed on them.

Seven percent said they most enjoyed the sensations.

Five percent confessed that their chief enjoyment came from the sense of

domination.

A staggering 88 percent said that they really enjoyed the peace and

quiet.

[Artisi]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand, walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi "G'day,

mind if I talk to your dog?"

Kiwi: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog (via ventriloquist): "Doin' all right."

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Kiwi: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the

elements."

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"

After a long pause-

Kiwi: (in a panic) "The sheep's a f*#%in' liar."

[dr_Pat_Pong]

[Pink Mist]

could see it coming but a good one just the same

[Axel]

Socceroos speak:

"My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7." Tim Cahill.

"I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league." Mark Viduka.

"Guus Hiddink is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had." Lucas Neill.

"If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day." John Aloisi.

"I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable." Ned Zelic.

"I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well." Mark Schwarzer.

"I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona." Vince Grella.

"I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier." Mile Sterjovski.

"I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel." Craig Moore.

"I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right." Harry Kewell.

"I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country." Vince Grella.

"Germany is a very difficult team to play . . . they have 11 internationals out there." Zeljko Kalac.

"I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock." Jason Culina.

"The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European." Scott Chipperfield.

"All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed." Marco Bresciano.

"One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best." Craig Moore.

"I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd." Mark Viduka.

"Sometimes in football you have to score goals." Harry Kewell.

[gburns57au]

NZ world cup speak.....

Thats all folks.....

[Chang_paarp]

Does a manhole cover nowdays get called a person hole cover ?

No... Wher I work it is called.

Feminine Hygene Product

[chuchok]

An Australian player went to the doctor and said: "I've just been playing rugby and when I got back I found that when I touched my legs, arms, head, tummy - everywhere - it really hurt."

The doctor replied: "You've broken your finger."

[tuky]

Woman, 89, in mobile scooter 'hit-run'

From: AAP From correspondents in Auckland

July 06, 2006

AN 89-year-old New Zealand woman on a mobility scooter fled the scene after twice running down and injuring a pedestrian, the victim alleged.

June Bridgman pleaded guilty in a South Island court this week to carelessly operating a vehicle causing injury, but denied it was a hit and run, The Dominion Post reported.

Bridgman plans to continue using the scooter.

The Blenheim District Court discharged her without conviction, but ordered her to pay 71-year-old victim Elva Ellison $NZ2000 ($1633) in reparation.

Ellison told the newspaper she lay in agony with broken bones on a street in the town of Picton after being hit twice as Bridgman fled "like a bat out of hel_l".

The victim was in hospital for three weeks and had surgery on her ankle.

Bridgman's son, the head of a local police highway patrol, defended his mother's decision to keep using the vehicle as it was her only means of transport.

While believed to be the first prosecution, the incident was far from the first involving mobility scooters in New Zealand.

Two people have been killed in accidents involving the vehicles this year alone and 50 injured in the past four years, the Post reported, quoting Transport Ministry figures.

[Jai Dee]

An Australian player went to the doctor and said: "I've just been playing rugby and when I got back I found that when I touched my legs, arms, head, tummy - everywhere - it really hurt."

The doctor replied: "You've broken your finger."

Hang on sheep-shagger... last time I heard that joke it was about blondes, not Aussies.

[chuchok]

An Australian player went to the doctor and said: "I've just been playing rugby and when I got back I found that when I touched my legs, arms, head, tummy - everywhere - it really hurt."

The doctor replied: "You've broken your finger."

Hang on sheep-shagger... last time I heard that joke it was about blondes, not Aussies.

And your point is?????

[gburns57au]

What does a Kiwi blonde say when you touch her ??????

Baaaaa

[dr_Pat_Pong]

What does a Kiwi blonde say when you touch her ??????

You won

Baaaaa

[chuchok]

What does a Kiwi blonde say when you touch her ??????

Baaaaa

They normally say "hello dear" cause you aussies are dumb enough to marry they.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

What does a Kiwi blonde say when you touch her ??????

Baaaaa

They normally say "hello dear" cause you aussies are dumb enough to marry they.

marry THEY lol

[chuchok]

What does a Kiwi blonde say when you touch her ??????

Baaaaa

They normally say "hello dear" cause you aussies are dumb enough to marry they.

marry THEY lol

bugger! got me there....

[chuchok]

NZ32-OZ12 Rugby.....suck the bones out of that.

[Old Croc]

NZ32-OZ12 Rugby.....suck the bones out of that.

Loved the television ads for this game! The Allblacks doing the Haka with handbags slung over their shoulders.

[Jai Dee]

Speaking of football... who said footy players are not smart?

This is the AFL...

"Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Mick Malthouse - Collingwood

"I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Peter Bell, Fremantle - on his University Law studies

"You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle." Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training

Brock Maclean (Melbourne) on whether he had visited the Pyramids during his visit to Egypt: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

"He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is." Kevin Sheedy on James Hird

Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games "It's basically the same, just darker."

Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'

Barry Hall (Sydney) when asked about the upcoming season: "I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first."

"Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago" (Dermott Brereton)

"Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator." (Mark Williams)

"He scored that goal after only 22 seconds - totally against the run of play." (Dermott Brereton)

"We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then they scored." (Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles)

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." (Luke Darcy)

"That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which was identical." (Dermott Brereton)

"I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father." (Shane Wakelin)

"Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of them serious." (Adrian Anderson)

"If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."(Andrew Demetriou)

"I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but there are none better." (Dermott Brereton)

"I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a lifetime for that prat." (Terry Wallace)

Garry Lyon: "Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?" David Swartz: "On what?"

"Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw."(Dermott Brereton)

"Strangely, in slow motion replay, the ball seemed to hang in the air for even longer."(Dermott Brereton)

[Artisi]

The Koala and the Little Lizard

A koala is sitting up a gumtree smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says "Hey Koala! “What are you doing?"

The koala says: "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints.

After awhile the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river.

But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard: "What's the matter with you?"

The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"

So the koala looks down at him and says

"Fucccccccccck mate.......how much water did you drink?!!"

[Axel]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".

Then they walk around the ranch a little, and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".

The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asked, "And what are those"?

The Aussie replies with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?

[Prudent_rabbit]

Australian Government

Department of Immigration and Multicultural and Indigenous Affairs

Application for Grant of Australian Citizenship

You must answer 75% (28 or more out of 37) of these questions correctly in order to qualify for Australian Citizenship

1. How many slabs can you fit in the back of a Falcon Ute while also allowing room for your cattle dog?

2. When packing an Esky do you put the ice, or the beer, in first?

3. Is the traditional Aussie Christmas dinner:

a) At least two roasted meats with roast vegetables, followed by a pudding you could use as a cannonball. Also ham. In 40C heat.

A seafood buffet followed by a barbie, with rather a lot of booze. And ham. In 40C heat.

c) Both of the above, one at lunchtime and one at dinnertime. Weather continues fine.

4. How many beers in a slab?

5. You call that a knife, this is a knife.

True or False?

6. Does "yeah-nah" mean

a) "Yes and no"

"Maybe"

c) "Yes I understand but No I don't agree"?

7. The phrases "strewth" and "flamin' dingo" can be attributed to which TV character?

a) Toadie from Neighbours

Alf from Home & Away

c) Agro from Agro's Cartoon Connection

d) Sgt. Tom Croydon from Blue Heelers?

8. When cooking a barbecue do you turn the sausages

a) Once or twice

As often as necessary to cook

c) After each stubby

d) Until charcoal?

9. Name three of the Daddo brothers.

10. Who was the original lead singer of AC/DC?

11. Which option describes your ideal summer afternoon:

a) Drinking beer at a mate's place

Drinking beer at the beach

c) Drinking beer watching the cricket/footy

d) Drinking beer at a mate's place while watching the cricket before going to the beach?

12. Would you eat pineapple on pizza? Would you eat egg on a pizza?

13. How many cans of beer did David Boon consume on a plane trip from Australia to England?

14. How many stubbies is it from Brissy to the Gold Coast in a Torana travelling at 120km/h?

15. Who are Scott and Charlene?

16. How do you apply your tomato sauce to a pie?

a) Squirt and spread with finger

Sauce injection straight into the middle?

17. If the police raided your home would you:

a) Allow them to rummage through your personal items

Phone up the nearest talkback radio shock jock and complain

c) Put a written complaint in to John Howard and hope that he answers it personally?

18. Which Australian Prime Minister held the world record for drinking a yardie full of beer the fastest?

19. Have you ever had/do you have a mullet?

20. Thongs are:

a) Skimpy underwear

Casual footwear

c) They're called jandals, bro?

21. On which Ashes tour did Warney's hair look the best?

a) 1993

1997

c) 2001

d) 2005

22. What is someone more likely to die of:

a) Red Back Spider

Great White Shark

c) Victorian Police Officer

d) King Brown Snake

e) Your missus after a big night

f) Dropbear?

23. How many times must a steak be turned on a conventional four-burner barbie?

24. Can you sing along to Cold Chisel's Khe Sanh?

25. Explain both the "follow-on" and "LBW" rules in cricket and discuss the pros and cons for the third umpire decisions in the latter....

26. Name at least 5 items that must be taken to a BBQ.

27. Who is current Australian test cricket captain:

a) Ricky Ponting

Don Bradman

c) John Howard

d) Makybe Diva?

28. Is it best to take a sick day on:

a) When the cricket's on

When the cricket's on

c) When the cricket’s on?

29. What animal is on the Bundaberg Rum bottle?

30. What is the difference between a pot and a middy of beer?

31. What are Budgie smugglers?

32. What brand and size of Esky will you be purchasing?

33. Did you cry when Molly died on a Country Practice?

34. A "Hoppoate" is:

a) A breed of kangaroo

A kind of Australian "wedgie"

c) A disgraced Rugby League player?

35. What does having a 'chunder' mean?

36. When you were young did you prefer the Hills Hoist over any swing set?

37. What does the terminology 'True Blue' mean?

Your Score ………….

For Office use only.

ٱ In

ٱ Out

ٱ Can have another crack at it

[Jai Dee]

Excellent 'Prudent_rabbit'...

22. What is someone more likely to die of:

a) Red Back Spider

Great White Shark

c) Victorian Police Officer

d) King Brown Snake

e) Your missus after a big night

f) Dropbear?

I recall seeing a comprehensive report about the infamous Dropbear... one of the most dangerous marsupials native only to Australia.

Anyone got a copy of this article? It'd be good to share with potential visitors/tourists to Oz.

[chuchok]

1)An Australian school teacher explains to her class that she is a Wallabies fan. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Wallabies fans. Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, "Janie, why didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I'm not a Wallabies fan," she replied. The teacher, still shocked, asked, "Well, if you are not a Wallabies fan, then who are you a fan of?" "I am a All Blacks fan, and proud of it," Janie replied. The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are you an All Blacks fan?" "Because my mum is a All Blacks fan, and my dad is All Blacks fan, so I'm a All Blacks fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in a obviously annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be a All Blacks fan. You don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if your mom were a moron and your dad were a moron, what would you be then?" "Then," Janie smiled, "I'd be a Wallabies fan."

2)A guy pulls up to a hotdog stand and says ill have 60 hotdogs thanks the attendant asks why so many? the man 1 for me and 59 for the aussies in the back. again the attendant says how did u fit 59 aussies in the back the man says its easy once you squeeze the bullshit out of them!

[Axel]

name='Jai Dee' date='2006-07-25 11:31:44' post='823646'

f) Dropbear?

I recall seeing a comprehensive report about the infamous Dropbear... one of the most dangerous marsupials native only to Australia.

Anyone got a copy of this article? It'd be good to share with potential visitors/tourists to Oz.

Try this one:

http://www.ozemail.com.au/~enigman/dropbear.html

Edited July 25, 2006 by Axel

[dr_Pat_Pong]

name='Jai Dee' date='2006-07-25 11:31:44' post='823646'

f) Dropbear?

I recall seeing a comprehensive report about the infamous Dropbear... one of the most dangerous marsupials native only to Australia.

Anyone got a copy of this article? It'd be good to share with potential visitors/tourists to Oz.

Try this one:

http://www.ozemail.com.au/~enigman/dropbear.html