Are Aussies Really So Bad?

[chuchok]

A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia. Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, "What is your business in Australia?"

"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply.

The customs officer then asked, "Do you have a conviction record?"

Confused, the Kiwi then replied, "I didn't think you still needed one."

[Totster]

A Kiwi was hoping to immigrate to Australia. Upon arriving in Australia, he was questioned by a customs officer, "What is your business in Australia?"

"I wish to immigrate," was the Kiwi's reply.

The customs officer then asked, "Do you have a conviction record?"

Confused, the Kiwi then replied, "I didn't think you still needed one."

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

he he

[Jai Dee]

A few years ago, two Aussies boarded a flight out of London after the Rugby World Cup.

One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, a Kiwi got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Aussies .

After take-off, the Kiwi kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Aussie in the window seat said, "I think I'll get up and get a beer."

“No problem," said the Kiwi , "I'll get it for you."

While he was gone, one of the Aussies picked up the Kiwi 's shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer, the other Aussie said, "That looks good, I think I'll have one too."

Again, the Kiwi obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone, the other Aussie picked up the other shoe and spat in it. The Kiwi returned and they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the plane was landing, the Kiwi slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.

“How long must this go on?" he asked. "This fighting between our nations? This hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?"

[chuchok]

A young Australian woman, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters of Sydney Harbour. As she stood on the edge of the dock, pondering her fate, a young Kiwi sailor noticed her as he strolled by. "You're not thinking of jumping, are you?" he jokingly asked. "Yes, yes I am." replied the sobbing girl.

Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge, "Look, nothing's worth that. I tell you what, I'm sailing off for Europe tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night, and I'll look after you if you 'look after' me."

The girl, having no better prospects agreed and the sailor snuck her on board that night.

For the next 3 weeks the sailor would come to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water and making love to her until dawn.

Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship & it's lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled young woman and demanded an explanation. The young woman came clean; "I've stowed away to get to Europe. One of the sailors is helping me out, he set me up in here and brings me food and water every night, and, and.......he's screwing me."

The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a small grin cracked his face and he replied; "He sure is darlin', this is the Manly Ferry!!

[Jai Dee]

A man walked into the produce section of a supermarket in Sydney and asked to buy "half" a head of luttuce. The New Zealand lad working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of luttuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "some @rsehole wants to buy a half a head of luttuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.

Later, the manager sought out the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?

"Wellington, New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, because there's nothing over there but whores and rugby players."

"Really!" said the manager, brusquely. "My wife is a Kiwi!"

The boy replied ... " No sh1t??? Who did she play for?"

[chuchok]

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, because there's nothing over there but whores and rugby players."

"Really!" said the manager, brusquely. "My wife is a Kiwi!"

The boy replied ... " No sh1t??? Who did she play for?"

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[Jai Dee]

There is this Aussie sitting in the Stones Corner Hotel in Brisbane.

Thinking of something funny, he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "Hey mate, do you want to hear a good Kiwi joke?"

The fellow next to him replies, "That depends. Before you tell me though, I should warn you, that I weigh 250lbs and played for the Otago mincers, my mate behind us, weighs 190lbs and plays for the New Zealand All Blacks, and the big b@stard next to him plays for the Rangipo Prison crushers. Tell me Aussie do you still want to tell us a Kiwi joke?"

"Sh1t no" says the Aussie,"..........not if I have to explain it 3 times."

[chuchok]

We love Sydney because ...

You make over $100,000 per year and still can't afford a house.

You never bother looking at the train timetable because you know the drivers have never seen it.

You order organic fruit and vegies online, but eat out every night anyway.

You spent more money on your coffee machine than on your washing machine.

You spend $400+ per week for your room in an apartment with stunning harbour/beach views and European Appliances; and then spend a total of 40 hours each week there (of which 37 are spent sleeping).

You spend 30 minutes in a traffic jam next to a car with more power to its speakers than its wheels.

You know everyone's e-mail and mobile number but not their last name or home address.

You can roll sushi, make pasta and keep your red curry paste recipe under lock and key...but couldn't roast a chicken to save your life.

Your taxi driver was a micro-surgeon before he moved to Australia

Your co-worker tells you he/she has 8 body piercings but none are visible.

You can't remember....is dope illegal?

You've been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and a sperm donor.

You have a very strong opinion where your coffee beans are grown and can taste the difference between Sumatran and Ethiopian.

A really great parking space can move you to tears.

You are thinking of taking an adult class but you can't decide between yoga, aromatherapy, conversational Italian or building your own website.

A man in full leather regalia and crotchless chaps gets on the bus and you don't notice.

You are genuinely surprised when you meet someone who was actually born in Sydney (but then, they are Swiss/Thai/Brazilian).

Your hairdresser is straight, your plumber is gay and your Avon Lady is a drag queen.

[Jai Dee]

"Why did you leave New Zealand?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, because there's nothing over there but whores and rugby players."

"Really!" said the manager, brusquely. "My wife is a Kiwi!"

The boy replied ... " No sh1t??? Who did she play for?"

See... I can post 'em from both sides of the fence!

[Jai Dee]

Two men fishing on a river bank in a remote area of New Zealand on a Sunday evening miles away from a radio or TV.

Suddenly one man turns to the other and says "The All Blacks have lost again".

The other man was astonished and said "How on earth do you know that?"

The other man replied "It's quarter past 8."

[Jai Dee]

The Australian coach, Eddie Jones, received a phone call from his New Zealand counterpart after the All Blacks lost the last game against Australia in Dunedin.

He wanted to know what training methods the Aussies use to be the "world beaters" that they are.

Eddie Jones said: "Oh, that's no secret, I'll tell you! We take 15 40 gallon drums, paint them black, and train against them."

The All Black coach then decided to do the same. They will only have to paint them Gold and Green.

A week later, he phoned Eddie back and said: "Eddie, I have used your secret training method, but I need help, ... the drums are winning 15-0."

[chuchok]

This is an old one JD....I'm running out now

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and obviously the answers came from a fellow Aussie....

1. Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, so how do the plants grow?(UK)

A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

2. Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street?(USA)

A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

3. Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney- can Ifollow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)

A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water. . .

4. Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)

A: So its true what they say about Swedes.

5. Q: It is imperative that I find the names and addresses of places to contact for a stuffed porpoise.(Italy)

A: Let's not touch this one.

6. Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and HerveyBay? (UK)

A: What did your last slave die of?

7. Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)

A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific which does not ...oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every Tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

8. Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)

A: Face south and then turn 90 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

9. Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)

A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

10. Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)

A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is. .... oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

11. Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)

A: No, WE don't stink.

12. Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)

A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

13. Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? (UK)

A: You are a British politician, right?

14. Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)

A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

15. Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia?(France)

A: Only at Christmas.

16. Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)

A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter gatherers. Milk is illegal.

17. Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)

A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

19. Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)

A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

20. Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)

A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.

[Jai Dee]

This is an old one JD....I'm running out now

Me too!

18. Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)

A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

[kayo]

My ha baht's worth... (I'm inflating here...)..

....

(yep! absolutely nothing worth talking about...)

[Jai Dee]

Basic Guide to Aussie Life

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.

17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

20. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.

22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.

27. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.

28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".

29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is a darn sight worse than the flies.

30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER!

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Basic Guide to Aussie Life

1. The bigger the hat, the smaller the farm.

2. The shorter the nickname, the more they like you.

3. Whether it's the opening of Parliament, or the launch of a new art gallery, there is no Australian event that cannot be improved by a sausage sizzle.

4. If the guy next to you is swearing like a wharfie he's probably a media billionaire. Or on the other hand, he may be a wharfie.

5. There is no food that cannot be improved by the application of tomato sauce.

6. On the beach, all Australians hide their keys and wallets by placing them inside their sandshoes. No thief has ever worked this out.

7. Industrial design knows of no article more useful than the plastic milk crate.

8. All our best heroes are losers.

9. The alpha male in any group is he who takes the barbecue tongs from the hands of the host and blithely begins turning the snags.

10. It's not summer until the steering wheel is too hot to hold.

11. A thong is not a piece of scanty swimwear, as in America, but a fine example of Australian footwear. A group of sheilas wearing black rubber thongs may not be as exciting as you had hoped.

12. It is proper to refer to your best friend as "a total bastard". By contrast, your worst enemy is "a bit of a bastard".

13. Historians believe the widespread use of the word "mate" can be traced to the harsh conditions on the Australian frontier in the 1890s, and the development of a code of mutual aid, or "mateship". Alternatively, Australians may just be really hopeless with names.

14. The wise man chooses a partner who is attractive not only to himself, but to the mosquitoes.

15. If it can't be fixed with pantyhose and fencing wire, it's not worth fixing.

16. The most popular and widely praised family in any street is the one that has the swimming pool.

17. It's considered better to be down on your luck than up yourself.

18. The phrase "we've got a great lifestyle" means everyone in the family drinks too much.

19. If invited to a party, you should take cheap red wine and then spend all night drinking the host's beer. (Don't worry, he'll have catered for it).

20. If there's any sort of free event or party within a hundred kilometres, you'd be a mug not to go.

21. The phrase "a simple picnic" is not known. You should take everything you own. If you don't need to make three trips back to the car, you're not trying.

22. Unless ethnic or a Pom, you are not permitted to sit down in your front yard, or on your front porch. Pottering about, gardening or leaning on the fence is acceptable. Just don't sit. That's what backyards are for.

23. The tarred road always ends just after the house of the local mayor.

24. On picnics, the Esky is always too small, creating a food versus grog battle that can only ever be resolved by leaving the salad at home.

25. When on a country holiday, the neon sign advertising the motel's pool will always be slightly larger than the pool itself.

26. The men are tough, but the women are tougher.

27. The chief test of manhood is one's ability to install a beach umbrella in high winds.

28. Australians love new technology. Years after their introduction, most conversations on mobile phones are principally about the fact that the call is "being made on my mobile".

29. There comes a time in every Australian's life when he/she realises that the Aerogard is a darn sight worse than the flies.

30. And, finally, don't let the tourist books fool you. No-one EVER says "cobber" to anyone ... EVER!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

[udon]

hey Doc, where'e ya bin?

The Jo & Flo funeral?

[dr_Pat_Pong]

hey Doc, where'e ya bin?

The Jo & Flo funeral?

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

I'm in Singapore mate. I saw a bit of the Joh show on satellite though

[surin]

What do you call a kiwi in a suit......The Defendant

How do you stop a kiwi from drowning?

Don't know....GOOD!!

[chuchok]

What do you call a kiwi in a suit......The Defendant

How do you stop a kiwi from drowning?

Don't know....GOOD!!

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

no offence intended,but a crayfish farting at four fathoms is funnier that that.

[gburns57au]

What do you call a kiwi in a suit......The Defendant

How do you stop a kiwi from drowning?

Don't know....GOOD!!

no offence intended,but a crayfish farting at four fathoms is funnier that that.

Forgive him, he is from the gold coast...............

probably Japanese............

[Tornado]

what a funny funny thread. Jai Dee, Chuck and the rest - applause.

[chuchok]

An Irishman arrived in Australia and went into a pub in the Outback where he asked for a glass and, having pissed into it, drank it. He then walked out the door, into the chook house and proceeded to knock the hens off their perches prior to going to the paddock, where he lifted the tail of a cow and put his ear to its anus. When he returned to the bar a few minutes later, the publican asked him to explain his strange conduct.

“Before I left Dublin,” he said, “I met an Aussie who said there are 3 things I had to do to be a real Australian. Drink the piss. Knock off the birds. And listen to the bullshit.”

[udon]

[chuchok]

An Australian woman was having a shower and slipped over on the bathroom floor. Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped over, did the splits an suctioned herself to the floor.

She yelled out for her husband Jacko. "Jacko! Jacko!" she yelled. Jacko came running in.

"Jacko, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.

"Strewth!" Jacko said and tried to pull her up.

"You're just too heavy girl. I'll go across the road and get Bluey"(his mate).

They came back and they both tried to pull her up."No way. We can't do it" Bluey said "Lets try Plan C".

"Plan C?" exclaimed Jacko. "What's that"?

"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we'll break the tiles under her".

"Spot on" Jacko said. "While your doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits"

"Play with her tits"? Bluey said, "Why the ###### would you want to do that"?

Jacko replied "Well, I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".

[Jai Dee]

Australia - Part 1 of 12

An epic tale...

God bless Australia!

WE ARE ONE!

We are the people of a free nation of blokes, sheilas and the occasional &lt;deleted&gt;.

We come from many lands (although a few too many of us come from New Zealand), and although we live in the best country in the world, we reserve the right to bitch and moan about it whenever we bloody like.

We are One Nation but divided into many States.

[Jai Dee]

Australia - Part 2 of 12

Victoria

First, there's Victoria, named after a queen who didn't believe in lesbians.

Victoria is the realm of Mossimo turtlenecks, cafe latte, grand final day, and big horse races.

Its capital is Melbourne, whose chief marketing pitch is that "it's livable". At least that's what they think.

The rest of us think it is too bloody cold and wet.

[dr_Pat_Pong]

Melbourne is just like that If you don't like theweather just wait a little while ... it'll change

[Jai Dee]

Australia - Part 3 of 12

New South Wales

Next, there's NSW, the realm of pastel shorts, macchiato with sugar, thin books read quickly and millions of dancing queens.

Its capital Sydney has more queens than any other city in the world and is proud of it.

Its mascots are Bondi lifesavers who pull their Speedos up their cracks to keep the left and right sides of their brains separate.