Worst Joke Ever

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

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Edited December 11, 2017 by riceyummm

[riceyummm]

Edited December 11, 2017 by riceyummm

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[riceyummm]

[transam]

Went for a Prostrate cancer checkup yesterday...Got the thumbs up....

[scottiejohn]

On 12/11/2017 at 1:49 PM, transam said:

Went for a Prostrate cancer checkup yesterday...Got the thumbs up....

Did you get the thumbs up during or after the examination and did you notice if BOTH hands were on your shoulders throughout?

Glad it wasn't a bummer of a visit then, or was it.

Was it finger licking or just a pain in the ar*s.

 

Anyway were all relieved that you have now been relieved.

[riceyummm]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A drunk goes into a bar.

"Hey, bartender! Gimme a martini!"

"No, no," says the bartender. "You've had too much already."

The drunk spies a dart board behind the bar.

"Tell you what," he says. "If I can throw three bull's eyes with that dart set would you let me have the drink?"

"Sure," says the bartender"

Zot, zot, zot. The drunk throws three quick bull's eyes.

Well, the bartender had never seen anything like that before, but he has to make good on the wager, so he makes a martini and sets it before the drunk. He then puts a napkin next to the drink and sets a live turtle on it.

"What's this," says the drunk.

"That's a prize for such fine dart throwing," says the bartender.

The drunk drinks his martini, picks up the turtle, puts it in his coat pocket, and leaves.

 

Well, the next night, the same drunk goes into the same bar. Again, he is hopelessly inebriated.

"Bartender," he says. "Gimme a martini!"

"No, no," says the bartender. "You're too drunk already. Go home."

"Why, I am in the same state as yesterday. If I can throw three bull's eyes in one throw would you gimme the martini again?" he asks.

The bartender thinks, "This guy can't be that lucky again." "Sure, sure," he says, handing the darts over.

The drunk deftly grabs all three darts and tosses them simultaneously.

Thwock! All three darts land solidly in the bull's eye!

"Unbelievable!" says the incredulous bartender. True to his word, he prepares a martini and sets it before the drunk guy. He then lays a beautiful long-stem rose on the bar next to the cocktail.

"What's this?" asks the drunk.

"That's a special prize for being so good at darts," says the bartender.

 

 

"Oh," says the drunk. "All out of roast beef on a hard roll, huh?"

[scottiejohn]

[VocalNeal]

I thought it was the woman who looked down and said " A beard would suit you" 

[scottiejohn]

6 minutes ago, VocalNeal said:

I thought it was the woman who looked down and said " A beard would suit you" 

Yes but where?

 

[riceyummm]

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

 

Three women left separately after a very late night out drinking Guinness until the early hours. They met the next day for an early pint, and compared notes about who had been the most drunk.

The first girl claims that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight home, walked into the house, and as soon as I got through the door, I blew chunks".

To which the second girl replied, "You think that was drunk? I got in my car, drove out of the parking lot, and wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

And the third proclaimed, "I was by far the most drunk. I got home, I go in a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over and burned the whole house down!"

They all looked at each other for a moment.

Then the first gal says:

 

 

"Ladies, I don't think you understand. Chunks is my stud breeding dog."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.

　

I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number...She looked great going down the stairs and made a right tit of her self as she exposed her real unbalance.

　

You know I used to work at Ikea, selling over 7,000 products. Give me a number between 1-7,000 I'll tell you about it. (any number) Sorry out of stock, unlucky you chose that one! BUT you!!.

　

"I recently bought the box set of 'Doctor Who' and watched it back to back, Unfortunately I wasn't the one facing the TV! and it was not in any time sequence (I was told)".

　

"A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-hoholic!"

　

"Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my granddad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family." But the shots of the funeral were spot on as well!　

　

.My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times."

.

"As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye."

　

"The school had a big problem with drugs... especially Class A." but they are all on report anyway for being re-formed!

Edited December 12, 2017 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[xylophone]

I come from a long line of boxers.............

 

Apart from my mother who was a border collie.

[scottiejohn]

1 minute ago, xylophone said:

I come from a long line of boxers.............

 

Apart from my mother who was a border collie.

That is bordering on barking mad incest, back in the ring for you!

[scottiejohn]

On the "Chuck" theme!!

 

A woman walks into a café with her tiny Chihuahua pup and sits down with her sandwich next to this guy whom she suddenly notices is feeling a little bit queasy and places the little  pup on floor between them.

A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and suddenly blows his chunks (vomits).

He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says,

 

"Whoa, I don't remember eating that little wiener I thought I bought a real hot dog!"