One particular Christmas season a long time ago Santa was ready for his Christmas run... but there were problems.

Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mother was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys everywhere.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whisky. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hid the bottle and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with her helpers with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

 

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

THE ORIGINAL IKEA SNOWMAN

 

Moshe was sitting at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs  his drink and gulps it down in one swig and menacingly says,  Thanks Jew Boy, whatcha going to do about it?" Moshe burst into tears. Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY.  I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"  "This is the worst day of my life," Moshe says.  "I'm a complete failure.  I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me.  When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance.  I left my wallet in the cab I took home.  I found my wife in bed with the postman and then my dog bit me."  "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all.  I buy a drink; drop a capsule in and sit here watching the poison dissolve;  then you show up and drink the whole thing!  "But enough about me, how's your day going?"

Just opened a Christmas card, and the envelope was full of rice - it was from Uncle Ben.

 

How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet??

25. There’s "no EL"!

　

What carol is heard in the desert??

O camel ye faithful!

　

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas??

Cross Mouse Cards!

　

What athlete is warmest in winter??

A long jumper!

　

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations??

Tinsilitis!

　

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree??

Nice gnawing you!

　

 

 

 

 

A man in Scotland calls his son in London the day before Christmas Eve and says,

"I hate to ruin your day but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; thirty-five years of misery is enough."

'Dad, what are you talking about?' the son screams.

"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer" the father says. "We're sick of each other and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Leeds and tell her we are finished you will never see us together again except in old photos."

Franticly, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone.

"Like hell they're getting divorced!" she shouts, "I'll take care of this!"

She calls Scotland immediately, and screams at her father

"You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.

The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife.

 

 

'Sorted! They're coming for Christmas - and they're paying their own way.'

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike.

The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"

The kid says, "Yeah."

The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike."

The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.

The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says,

"By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."

 

 

The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Top 3 of the 50 best (worst) jokes ever - in ascending order ...

3rd. 'Dyslexic man walks into a bra...

2nd. 'I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu.'

1st. A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: 'Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: 'The driver just insulted me!' The man says: 'You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you.'

 

The other 47 are here ... http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-1322475/Researchers-official-50-funniest-jokes-time.html ... worth a read IMHO

 

Rudolph the well hung reindeer,

Had a great enormous c*ck,

All he could ever do with it,

Was to beat it off against a rock,

All of the female reindeer,

Had p*ssies that were just too small,

Poor old well hung Rudolph,

Could not get any sex at all,

Then one horny Christmas eve,

Santa came to stay,

"Rudolph with your c*ck so strong...

<deleted> my ar*ehole all night long!"

Then all the reindeer loved him,

A few of them were heard to say,

"Rudolph the well hung reindeer...

You're so lucky Santa's gay"

Your moms like a Christmas tree all the guys put there balls on her

　

Q: What do you call an old snowman?

A: Water

　

Q: Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?

A: A mince spy

　

Q: What did the snowman say to the other snowman?

A: Can you smell carrot?

　

Q: What do elves do after school?

A: Their gnome work!

　

Q: What’s the difference between Santa’s reindeer and a knight?

A: One slays the dragon, and the other’s draggin’ the sleigh

　

Q: What do snowmen use to make snowbabies?

A: Snowballs

　

Q: What do you call a kid who doesn’t believe in Santa?

A: A rebel without a Claus

　

Q: Why is Christmas just like your job?

A: You do all the work and the fat guy with the shiny suit gets all the credit

　

Q: Why did Santa send his daughter to college?

A: To keep her off the North Pole

　

A: Who sings "Blue Christmas" and makes toy guitars?

A: Elfis!

 

Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents the week before Christmas.

At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the oldest one began praying at the top of his lungs.

"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO..."

"I PRAY FOR A NEW STEREO..." His younger brother leaned over and nudged the older brother and said,

"Why are you shouting your prayers? Mummy and the preacher say God isn't deaf."

To which the all knowing brother replied,

 

 

"No, but Grandma is!"

?Why do you always see two nuns together.  A. One nun follows the other nun so she won't get none.

46 minutes ago, davetrout said:

?Why do you always see two nuns together.  A. One nun follows the other nun so she won't get none.

Two nuns in the bath:

First nun: Where's the soap?

Second nun: Yes it does, doesn't it?

 Why do nuns go everywhere in pairs?
 To make sure the other nun gets none.

8 minutes ago, faraday said:

Why do nuns go everywhere in pairs?

One to keep lookout for the Narcs, because every nun has a habit?