Worst Joke Ever

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

5 WAYS FOR A MAN TO BE COMPLETELY HAPPY
1. Be with a woman who makes you laugh for all the right reasons
2. Be with a woman who gives you her undivided time and attention
3. Be with a woman who takes care of your every need
4. Be with a woman who really loves you for who, not what you are

5. Finally, make sure these four women don't know each other, never meet and are never used as examples to the wife!

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

JUST WHAT STATE ARE WE IN?
l've been to a lot of places, but we have never been in cahoots. Apparently you can't go alone, you have to be in cahoots with someone. I don't know who to arrange this with!
I am we also have never been incognito either. But as I hear no one recognizes you there how would they know you have or have not been?. 
I have, however, been insane. They don't have an airport or a rail station, you have to be driven there. Either by a so called loved one or yourself.
l  seem to have made several trips but know nothing about them.

Edited August 5, 2018 by scottiejohn

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to the Super Bowl game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. 
After the game, he asked her how she liked it.  
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumb founded, her boyfriend asked, "What do you mean they were killing each other over 25 cents?" 
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was... 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback'

 

"Like it's only 25 cents.  Can't they forget about the money and get on with the game"
 

[scottiejohn]

[billd766]

2 hours ago, scottiejohn said:

 

It is obvious who you call.

 

1-800- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m9We2XsVZfc

 

[fasteddie]

[vogie]

I went to the doctors the other day to ask him about my weight, he told me, don't eat anything fatty, 

I said you mean like fried eggs and bacon, no, he said, I mean, fatty, don't eat anything.

[fasteddie]

[scottiejohn]

For Andrew Dwyer- Do your wurst as the German Sausage Dog Said

Why did the Easter egg hide? Because he was a little chicken!

Did you hear about the man who jumped off a bridge in France? He was in Sein.

The best time to open a gift is the present.

A courtroom artist was arrested today for an unknown reason... details are sketchy.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. It's impossible to put down.

I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now.

Did you hear about the 2 silk worms in a race? It ended in a tie!

What is the best thing about living in Switzerland? Well, the flag is a big plus.

My girlfriend said, "You act like a detective too much. I want to split up." "Good idea," I replied. "We can cover more crime scenes!"

 

What do you call a laughing motorcycle? A Yamahahaha.

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

Amazon is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws? It was given two consecutive sentences;:'@"

I was addicted to the hokey pokey... but thankfully, I turned myself around.

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office.

Suddenly, he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back, and neck.

The lawyer turns around. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

"I'm a chiropractor, and I'm just keeping in practice while I'm waiting in line."

 

"Well, I'm a lawyer, but you don't see me screwing the guy in front of me, do you?"

 

 

[scottiejohn]

[owl sees all]

My Thai girlfriend puts her mobile on vibrate and asks her mates to call her.

 

The other evening I came back home from the farm very hungry. "Hi teerak, l'm starving; fish for dinner?"  "No, that's my mobile." "I'm doing Chicken." 

 

She just loves phone sex!

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

[CantSpell]

[billd766]

[scottiejohn]

15 hours ago, billd766 said:

What a great reason to make the growing of dope legal.  OOPS I forgot politicians past the laws and even they are not "Dopey" enough to vote for heir own extinction, or are they?

[superal]

[superal]

Hypnotist at the Senior Home

It was entertainment night at the Senior Citizens' Center.

After the community sing along led by Alice at the piano, it was time for the star of the show - Claude the Hypnotist!

Claude explained that he was going to put the whole audience into a trance.  “Yes, each and every one of you and all at the same time." said Claude.

The excited chatter dropped to silence as Claude carefully withdrew from his waistcoat pocket, a beautiful antique gold pocket watch and chain.  "I want you to keep your eyes on this watch" said Claude, holding the watch high for all to see.  "It is a very special and valuable watch that has been in my family for six generations" said Claude.

He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting "Watch the watch --- Watch the watch ---- Watch the watch"  The audience became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth.

The lights were twinkling as they were reflected from its gleaming surfaces.  A hundred and fifty pairs of eyes followed the movements of the gently swaying watch.  They were hypnotized.  And then, suddenly, the chain broke!!!

The beautiful watch fell to the stage and burst apart on impact"

"SHIT" said Claude.

It took them three days to clean the Senior Citizens' Center and Claude was never invited there again.

 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

A blonde called her boyfriend and said,

"Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can‘t figure it out or how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde said, "According to the picture on the box, it includes a tiger."

Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him in and showed him where she had the puzzle spread all over the table. He looked at the pieces for a moment, looked at the box, then turned to her and said,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He took her hand and said,

"Second, I want you to relax. We can have a nice cup of hot chocolate and then....
he sighed,

 

"Let's put all of these frosted flakes back into the box."

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

Scottiejohn has just started a new "agony aunt" column in his local newspaper. This is the first letter I have received.
Sir: As a member of the physically impaired community, I was deeply offended by a joke that fell out of my party cracker yesterday, namely:
'What do you call a lady with one leg?'
'Eileen'.
For years, we have campaigned for physical disabilities to be taken seriously. This sort of cheap crack sends our struggle back a hundred years.
May I join the calls for the toughest action to be taken against all those who repeat this type of offensive so-called 'joke'.
Sue Sensitive (Ms).

 

From SJ

Dear Ms Sue Sensitive.

While you have all my sympathy, which you can find easily between sh*t and syphilis in most dictionaries, I can only repeat the advice I recently gave to the wheelchair bound one legged man who made a similar complaint to me and asked for legal advice. I had to inform him that he did not have a leg to stand on. 

 

I will post further mails and my touching and sensitive replies to them as and when I receive them.

 

SJ

[scottiejohn]

[Daffy D]

To the guy who stole my antidepressants,
I hope you're happy now. 
-------------------------------------------
A 60 year old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception.

His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23 year old beauty?

“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age."

His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.

"Well", he replied.  "I said I was 87!" 

[Gulfsailor]