Worst Joke Ever

[chickenslegs]

Two married men are out drinking one night ...

 

One turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

 

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's ass and say, 'How about a sex?' ....and she's always sound asleep."

[chickenslegs]

We went to see a movie the other night.

 

Just as the feature was about to start, a blonde from the center of the row got up and started working her way out. “Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse me.”

 

By the time she got to me, I was trying to look around her and I was a little impatient, so I said, “Couldn’t you have done this a little earlier?”

 

“No!” she said in a loud whisper. “The ‘TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE’ message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car.”

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

TOP 10 NEW BOOK TITLES I WISH TO SEE
Are You a Liar? by I.M. Knott
World Travel by I.M. Tyred and Jett L’Agg
Fibbing Effectively by Liza Lott
101 Hot ’n’ Spicy Meals by Tung Payne
The Art of Flossing by Dr. D. Kay
Getting Dirty by Anita Bath
Junk Food by Chip Eaton
The Ways of Poker by Ahmal Inn
Counting by Juan Toothree
Outdoor Furniture by Pat T.I. O’Chairs
 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

DID YOU HEAR about the two convicts in America who were about to be executed?

The warden says to the first one, ‘Do you have a last request?’
The convict says, ‘Yes, I’d like to hear the song “Achy Breaky Heart” one last time.’

The Warden says, ‘OK, I think we can arrange that.’

Then he says to the second convict, ‘How about you?’

 

The second convict says, ‘Yeah, kill me first.’

[scottiejohn]

Quote

 

[scottiejohn]

 

THERE’S A NEW PRODUCT on the market – Viagra eye drops. 
They don’t do anything other than just make you look hard. 

 

After checking the licence of the driver he’d stopped, the police officer comments.

‘It says here you’re supposed to be wearing glasses.’ 
‘But Officer,’ said the driver, ‘I’ve got contacts.’ 
‘I don’t care who you know,’ snaps the officer.

‘You’re breaking the law and your booked

’
 

[scottiejohn]

Quote

DISCLAIMER; This is NOT aimed at anyone in particular!  

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honest.

 

 

 

[chickenslegs]

Six friends -- two straight guys and a gay guy -- and their significant others were on a cruise.

 

A tidal wave came up and swamped the ship; they all drowned, and next thing you know, they're standing before St. Peter.

 

First came one of the straight guys and his wife. St. Peter shook his head sadly. "I can't let you in. You loved money too much. You loved it so much, you even married a woman named Penny."

 

Then came the second straight guy. "Sorry, can't let you in, either. You loved food too much. You loved to eat so much, you even married a woman named Candy!"

 

The gay guy turned to his boyfriend and whispered nervously, "It doesn't look good, Dick."

[CantSpell]

[owl sees all]

Not enough cringing!!!!!!!!!!!!

We were having a drink in our local before going to the old folks home lawn to collect our worms. I was at the table with Fat Fred.

 

Can I ask you something Fred?

Yea sure, anything; fire away.
Well, you have kissed a lady!?
Yup, that I have.
You have sucked a ladies tittie!?
Certainly have - with a little chuckle.
You have licked around a ladies crutch!?
Often!
You have put your penis into a ladies vagina; yes!?
Lots of times Owl; why you asking?
Well Fred; what's it like?

 

We are going fishing tomorrow bro', and when you open the jam-jar full of worms get out your dick and put it right into the worm-jar. It's just like that.

 

Really Fred. I didn't think it could be that good.

[chickenslegs]

Father and his 13 year old son walk into the pharmacy.

 

The son sees the boxes of condoms and asks: "What are these dad?"

 

The father answers truthfully: "These, my boy, are called condoms. Men use them to have safe sex."

 

Then the boy looks at a packet with 3 condoms in it and asks: "Why does this one have

3 in it dad?"

 

"This, son is for high-school kids: One for Friday, one for Saturday and one for Sunday."

 

Then the boy looks at another packet that has 6 inside. "What about this one? Why does it have 6 in?"

 

"This is for college students: Two for Friday, two for Saturday and two for Sunday."

 

Then the kid sees that packet with 12 inside and with great wonder asks: "And this one dad, with 12 inside?"

 

His father sighs and explains to him: "These my boy, are for married people. One for January, one for February…"

[owl sees all]

Are we cringing?? No? You might be soon!!

 

+++

 

I met an old pal, John, in the corner shop and we agreed to go for a bevvy.

 

We were at the bar.

 

"What's your poison Owl." "Make mine a brown-ale shandy please John." John ordered his drink, a red fanta and mild shandy, and we sat down for a chat. "That's an unusual drink you have there owl, how long have you been drinking brown-ale shandies?"

 

"Oh, ever since a girl let me be intimate with her. You might remember her; 'Busty' she called herself. We got together for a night out and finished up at her place. Eventually we made it to the bed room. We undressed and she lay on the bed with her legs high and apart."

 

"Then 'Busty' said. See that bottle of lemonade and those two drinking straws by the dresser." "Yup." "Bring them over and pour lemonade into my vagina and into my anus; until they are both full right up. Then, put one straw in my botty and t'other in my pussy and have a good, long suck."

 

"And you did that Owl?!" John asked; seemingly amazed.

 

"Yup, and I've been hooked on the drink ever since."

 

"Tell me about your drink John. A mild shandy with red fanta instead of lemonade; that's, well, not the norm for a big guy like you!"

 

"Owl; all I can say is; different time of the month."

 

"Wonder what became of Busty?!" "I married her."

Edited November 7, 2018 by owl sees all

[faraday]

More please Mr Owl...

[Daffy D]

A few reasonably bad jokes:- 

*************************

Police pick up kids...

Police picked up two kids, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks!

 

They charged one and let the other one off. 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Flat Earth

The only thing flat-earthers fear is sphere itself... 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stranger danger!

A young boy comes home with an armchair under each arm and a sofa strapped to his back.

His father is furious and says, "how many times have I told you not to accept suites from strangers?" 
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sad Sex
 
I cry every time after sex.

I hate prison.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Zoo

I went to the zoo yesterday and saw a baguette,
the zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity... 
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Quickie

I was having sex with a woman when her husband got home early. She told me to use the back door and to be quick.

I probably should have just left, but it's not every day you get an offer like that!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Flintstones

The people in Dubai do not like the "Flintstones" but the people in Abu Dhabi do!
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nuns the word

Q: What do you get if you cross a nun and a chicken? 

A: A pecking order. 
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Booya
 
What has 36 teeth and holds back the Incredible Hulk?

My zipper... 
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------

[Andrew Dwyer]

Went to the zoo yesterday, it was terrible, there was only one dog in there !!

 

It was a Shih Tzu [emoji51]

 

[owl sees all]

Fred was a weather forecaster. He loved his job, and although a clever guy he found it difficult to get girlfriends. They would start off interested, but would soon fall to the wayside disillusioned.

 

On his way home from the pub he saw, standing in a shop doorway, a prozzie. Perhaps he would fare better with this kind of lady. He fancied a shag and got talking to the lady.

 

They went to his place and got undressed. In the tiled bedroom were various, shall we say; impliments.

 

The lady laid on the bed expectently.

 

Fred sat in a tub which had previously been put in place. He began to throw water over himself. He dried himself down and put up an umbrella. Then discarding the umbrella, got back into the tub and began throwing the water again. But! This time, when he got out, instead of an umbrella he switched on the fan. Fred started shivering uncontrollably.

 

The lady had been watching Fred and although at first she thought it amusing, time was getting on, she wanted finish business and get away. I'll give him a couple of minutes more the thought.

 

Fred then started the sequence all over. But when he got out of the tub he put on a plastic mac. Again the water was thrown about. Then the umbrella again. And the fan.

 

"Right! That's it! Enough! Do you want a shag or not?" Asked the lady.

 

"What,, in this weather. Can't we wait for the storm to pass?"
 

Edited November 7, 2018 by owl sees all

[CantSpell]

Friend: "With your current account balance, what Apple product can you buy?"

Me: "Apple juice.." 

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

THERE’S THIS PRIEST, and he’s masturbating at the back of the Vatican, when he hears a click – and there’s a tourist who is taking a picture of him.

So he says, ‘Oh, you have a camera,’

The tourist says, ‘Yes, I take picture of you.’

The priest says, ‘How much do you want for camera?’

He replies, ‘A thousand dollars.’

The priest says, ‘OK, I give you a thousand dollars for camera.’

So he gives him the thousand dollars and gets the camera from him and walks round the corner and sees the Monsignor.

The Monsignor says, ‘What are you doing with an ols camera like that? How much you pay did you pay for it?’

The priest says, ‘I paid a thousand US dollars for camera.’ 

 

The Monsignor says, ‘He must have seen you coming!’

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

WHAT DO YOU call an Indian Lesbian? 
Mingeater. 

Did you hear about the flasher who was thinking of retiring? 
He decided to stick it out for one more year. 

What did the banana say to the vibrator? 
What are you shaking for? She’s going to rip me apart and eat me! 
 

[scottiejohn]

Quote

 

[scottiejohn]

 

A duck goes into a pub and up to the bar. The geezer behind the bar says, ‘What’s your name, Mate?’

and the duck says ‘My name is Dave.’

So the bartender says, ‘What have you been up to today, Dave?’

The duck says, ‘I’ve had a lovely day, I’ve been in and out of puddles and having a laugh. I’ll have a pint of lager please.’

Just then another duck walks in and tells the bartender, ‘My name’s Steve.’ So the bartender says, ‘How have you been, Steve? What you been up to?’ And Steve says, ‘I’ve had a lovely day, I’ve been with Dave and I’ve been in and out of puddles, the same as him.’

The bartender says, ‘Do you want a drink?’ Steve says, ‘Yeah, I’ll have a drink, I’ll have a lager.’

Then a third duck walks in with real difficulty and the barman says to him, ‘Are you all right, mate. What’s happened, what's your name?’

And the 3rd duck says,

 

‘Stuff you mate my name’s Puddles so tell those two *uckers over there to <deleted> off!’

[scottiejohn]

[scottiejohn]

17 hours ago, owl sees all said:

open the jam-jar full of worms get out your dick and put it right into the worm-jar. It's just like that.

 

Really Fred. I didn't think it could be that good.

Whatever tickles your fancy!

[radiochaser]

On 11/5/2018 at 3:10 AM, scottiejohn said:

DISCLAIMER; This is NOT aimed at anyone in particular!  

 

 

 

 

 

 

Honest.

 

 

 

So says you.  But from the angle, it looks he is pointing to my wife who is up stairs.  

 

[scottiejohn]

8 hours ago, Andrew Dwyer said:

Went to the zoo yesterday, it was terrible, there was only one dog in there !!

 

It was a Shih Tzu

 

Why don't they play poker in the zoo? 
Too many cheetahs. 

 

What did the elephant say to a naked man?
Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?

 

How do monkeys get down the stairs? 
They slide down the banana-ster! 

 

What do you call an alligator in a vest? 
An Investigator 

 

Why shouldn't you take a bear to the zoo? 
Because they'd rather go to the cinema! 

 

Why did the giraffe get bad grades? 
He had his head in the (i)clouds. 

 

What do you call a crocodile with GPS? 
A Navi-gator. 

 

What's the difference between a tiger and a lion? 
A tiger has the mane part missing.

[CantSpell]

Am sorry for that ????