My pregnant wife's car broke down at a set of traffic lights the other day.

An 8 months pregnant woman trying to push her car to the kerb, and no one stopped to help.

I was so disgusted I got out and helped her myself.

Tell me the worst English joke ever:

The English football team that went to Brazil in 2014.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a rooster? The rooster clucks defiance.

Question: What can a goose do that a duck can't do that a lawyer won't do?

Answer: Stick his bill up his ass.

Question: What do lawyers use for birth control?

Answer: Their personalities.

A Bar Association charter flight was hijacked by terrorists. When the terrorists made their press release, they said that, until their demands were met, they would release one lawyer per hour.

Q: What did JAY-Z call his girlfriend before they got married?

A: Feyoncé.

There's a new bar on Clinton Street!

I was just about to reply and ask what was funny, and then I saw it. Took me a while though!

A wealthy Nigerian Prince has died and left all his millions to a cat.

He said he tried to give away his fortune for years, but no one ever responded to his e-mails.

A wealthy Nigerian Prince has died and left all his millions to a cat.

He said he tried to give away his fortune for years, but no one ever responded to his e-mails.

Does that make it a 'purrfect' scam?

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books. I told him that hes only got his shelf to blame.

There's a new bar on Clinton Street!

Will it be a 'no smoking' bar with a strictly clean dress code?

Three little ducks go into a bar...............

'Say, what's your name?' the bartender asked the first duck.

'Huey,' was the reply.

'How's your day been, Huey?'

'Great! Lovely day! Had a ball! Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?' said Huey.

'Oh. That's nice,' said the bartender.

He turned to the second duck, 'Hi, and what's your name?'

'Dewey,' came the answer from duck number two.

'So how's your day been, Dewey! ?' he asked.

'Great! Lovely day! I've had a ball too! Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?'

The bartender turned to the third duck and said, 'So, you must be Louie?'

'No,' she said, batting her eyelashes. ''My name's Puddles.'

A salesman knocks at the door and a young boy answers.

The little boy says, "Please be quiet, sir.

My mother is a prostitute and works all night. She sleeps during the day."

The salesman scratches his head and says, "Well, I'll be a son of a bitch"

The little boy replies, "I'm a bastard myself, but I don't go around ringing people's doorbells and telling them about it."

A blond woman goes to the hospital.
"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.
"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica in my vagina."

The Doctor had a look, chuckled and said "Those aren't postage stamps my dear,
they're the stickers off the bananas"

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

"Excuse me do I know you?" he asks.

"Yes, I think you are the father of one of my kids" she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says, "<deleted> hell, are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me, and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher!"

The wife said to me last night.
“If you turn the bedside lamp off
I'll take it up the arse”.
Maybe I should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

I ordered a sex-toy off the internet, a custom made scale replica of my wife's vagina.

On the day it was due to be delivered I sat anxiously at my window, waiting for my postman.

After what felt like forever, he came struggling down my path with a big tatty box in his hands, all dented and the flaps torn, blowing around in the breeze.

I thought they would've at least fuc*ing wrapped it.

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.
A few minutes later, a loud, blood-curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.
The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming.
"What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls."

The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says,

"You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"

A one dollar bill met a 20 dollar bill and said, "Hey, where've you been? I haven't seen you around here much."

The twenty answered, "I've been hanging out at the casinos, went on a cruise and did the rounds of the ship, back to the United States for awhile, went to a couple of baseball games, to the mall, that kind of stuff. How about you?"

The one dollar bill said, "You know, same old stuff, church, church, church.

A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the air, it comes crashing back down.

This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks her head out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail."

The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"

Keep this philosophy in mind the next time you hear, or are out to repeat a rumor.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom. One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance, who ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students...?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before you tell me, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Test of Three."

"Test of Three?"

"That's correct," Socrates continued.

"Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to test what you're going to say. The first test is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man replied, "actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second test, the test of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass though because there is a third test - the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really..."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?"

The man was defeated and ashamed and said no more.

This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why Socrates never found out that Plato was banging his wife.

Just received the following email from one of my mates:

Subject: In Hospital:

Hey silver sea,

Could you hold my emails until further notice, because I'm in hospital. I was badly attacked by a woman in the lift.

I was in the lift when she got in. I was casually staring at her boobs when she said, "Could you press 1 please."

So I did ... but I don't remember much afterwards.

I may be out of the hospital in a few days.

Fortunately, a witness got her photo:

Just received the following email from one of my mates:

Subject: In Hospital:

Hey silver sea,

Could you hold my emails until further notice, because I'm in hospital. I was badly attacked by a woman in the lift.

I was in the lift when she got in. I was casually staring at her boobs when she said, "Could you press 1 please."

So I did ... but I don't remember much afterwards.

I may be out of the hospital in a few days.

Fortunately, a witness got her photo:

image.jpg

Wot ya might call a sight for sore eyes then?

Back in the old days when there was still a East Germany and a West Germany, two American tourists from Hawaii who had never seen snow took a trip to East Germany for the Christmas holiday.

They were on the bus tour of East Berlin with a local guide whose name was Rudolph.

They were looking at the Christmas lights when the wife said to her husband, "Oh look honey, It's starting to snow".

Rudolph said, "No, that is sleet and freezing rain, not snow you see falling:.

"Oh no", the wife replied, "I'm sure that is snow".

"No", insisted Rudolph. "it isn't snow it is freezing rain".

"Now darling, don't argue", the husband said, "After all .......

I'm sure Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear".

Just received the following email from one of my mates:

Subject: In Hospital:

Hey silver sea,

Could you hold my emails until further notice, because I'm in hospital. I was badly attacked by a woman in the lift.

I was in the lift when she got in. I was casually staring at her boobs when she said, "Could you press 1 please."

So I did ... but I don't remember much afterwards.

I may be out of the hospital in a few days.

Fortunately, a witness got her photo:

image.jpg

Wot ya might call a sight for sore eyes then?

You'd get more than sore eyes if you 'bumped' into them!

<script type='text/javascript'>window.mod_pagespeed_start = Number(new Date());</script>

Back in the old days when there was still a East Germany and a West Germany, two American tourists from Hawaii who had never seen snow took a trip to East Germany for the Christmas holiday.

They were on the bus tour of East Berlin with a local guide whose name was Rudolph.

They were looking at the Christmas lights when the wife said to her husband, "Oh look honey, It's starting to snow".

Rudolph said, "No, that is sleet and freezing rain, not snow you see falling:.

"Oh no", the wife replied, "I'm sure that is snow".

"No", insisted Rudolph. "it isn't snow it is freezing rain".

"Now darling, don't argue", the husband said, "After all .......

I'm sure Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear".

Thank you for bringing the level back down again...grrrooooaannn

Oz

A Brit, a Frenchman and a North Korean are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Korean points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. Clearly, they are North Korean."

Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter: Eskimo Pi

2000 pounds of Chinese soup: Won ton

Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement: 1 bananosecond

Weight an evangelist carries with God: 1 billigram

Half of a large intestine: 1 semicolon

1000 aches: 1 kilohurtz

Basic unit of laryngitis: 1 hoarsepower

1 million microphones: 1 megaphone

2000 mockingbirds: two kilomockingbirds (work on it....)

52 cards: 1 decacards

3 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital: 1 I.V. League