Worst Joke Ever

[laislica]

[laislica]

[mca]

I was walking past a prison and I saw a midget escaping by climbing over fence wall. As he jumped down he sneered at me and I thought, well that’s a little condescending.

I started a band called mca and the 999 megabytes. We haven't got a gig yet.

Edited December 23, 2014 by mca

[mca]

A rabbit goes to the doctor and says " Doc I feel terrible. I'm listless with a terrible fever and I've developed a case of kleptomania"

The doctor asks " What diet are you on?"

"Well for breakfast I have a BLT sandwich, for lunch a grilled cheese panini and for dinner a croque monsieur - all of which I stole from your kitchen "

" I know what's wrong" say the doctor ' You've got Mixametoasties"

Edited December 23, 2014 by mca

[laislica]

Now on sale at IKEA- LESBIAN beds,
no nuts or screwing involved,

it's all tongue and groove...

[laislica]

CHRISTMAS CAROLS FOR THE
DISTURBED ~
* 1. Schizophrenia --- Do You Hear What I Hear?
* 2. Multiple Personality Disorder --- We Three Kings Disoriented Are
* 3. Dementia --- I Think I'll be Home for Christmas
* 4. Narcissistic --- Hark the Herald Angels Sing About Me
* 5. Manic --- Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and
Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Buses and Trucks and... Trees and.....
* 6. Paranoid --- Santa Claus is Coming to Town to Get Me
* 7. Borderline Personality Disorder ---Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
* 8. Personality Disorder --- You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna
Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why
* 9. Attention Deficit Disorder --- Silent night, Holy oooh look at the Froggy -
can I have a chocolate, why is France so far away?
* 10. Obsessive Compulsive Disorder ---
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells..

[WitawatWatawit]

A rabbit goes to the doctor and says " Doc I feel terrible. I'm listless with a terrible fever and I've developed a case of kleptomania"

The doctor asks " What diet are you on?"

"Well for breakfast I have a BLT sandwich, for lunch a grilled cheese panini and for dinner a croque monsieur - all of which I stole from your kitchen "

" I know what's wrong" say the doctor ' You've got Mixametoasties"

A shocker. You have a habit of lowering the tone of this thread, and are a worthy challenger to laislica.

[laislica]

A rabbit goes to the doctor and says " Doc I feel terrible. I'm listless with a terrible fever and I've developed a case of kleptomania"

The doctor asks " What diet are you on?"

"Well for breakfast I have a BLT sandwich, for lunch a grilled cheese panini and for dinner a croque monsieur - all of which I stole from your kitchen "

" I know what's wrong" say the doctor ' You've got Mixametoasties"

A shocker. You have a habit of lowering the tone of this thread, and are a worthy challenger to laislica.

Thanks!

I try hard you know.

My Mum used to say "I was very trying at times"!

[mca]

Knock Knock

Who's there?

The interrupting cow

The interrupting...

MOO!

[ozsamurai]

Did I tell the joke about the guy who saw a yellow patch in the snow on his front lawn. On closer inspection he realised there was a man's name written in the middle.
Pointing it out to his neighbour he said; "Look at that! I'll kill him when I lay my hands on him."
"Calm down, you were young once - are you telling me you never wrote your name in the snow after a few pints?"
"It's not that - that's my wife's handwriting!"

They say in the first part in the song Rudolf The Red Nosed Reindeer there are only 8 reindeer but there are really 12. First there is Rudolf, of course. Then there is Olive, Olive the other reindeer. Then there is Howe, and Howe the reindeer loved him. Then there is Andy, Andy shouted out with glee. There are 12 reindeer in all.

AND THE WINNER FOR THE XMAS JOKES????

A few days before Christmas, a man enters a pet store looking for a unique
gift for his wife. The store manager tells him he has just what he's looking
for! A beautiful parrot named Chet that sings Christmas carols.
He brings the husband over to a colourful but quiet bird. The man agrees that
Chet certainly is pretty, but he doesn't seem to be much for singing. The
manager tells him to watch as he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a
lighter. The manager then clicks the lighter and holds it under Chet's left
foot. Immediately Chet starts singing; "Silent Night, Holy Night."
The husband is very impressed with Chet's singing abilities and watches as
the manager moves the lighter underneath Chet's right foot. Chet now starts
to sing "Jingle Bells, Jingle All the Way." The husband says Chet is perfect
and that he'll take him.
The husband rushes home to his wife and insists upon giving her this
wonderful gift immediately. He presents Chet and starts to explain the
parrot's special talent.
Demonstrating, he holds a lighter under Chet's left foot and the bird sings
"Silent Night." He then moves the lighter under the right foot and Chet lets
loose a round of "Jingle Bells." The wife is absolutely impressed, and with a
mischievous grin asks her husband what happens if he holds the lighter
between Chet's legs instead. Curious the husband moves the lighter between
the bird's legs, and the bird begins to sing - Chet's nuts Roasting on an
Open Fire!

Oz

[laislica]

[loong]

I got into town late, looking for a place to stay.

I stopped at a B & B, but the door was locked. I rang the bell and a window opened on the first floor and this woman stuck her head out.

"What do you want?"

"I want to stay here"

"Well stay there then!"

and she slammed the window shut!

I wandered along and found another B&B, so I rang the bell.

The landlady opened the door in her nightie.

"That's an unusual place for a door" I thought.

[laislica]

I'm speeding because
I have to get there before
I forget where I'm going

[laislica]

[Living in a cartoon]

Teacher asks little Johnny if anything interesting had happened on the bus ride to school.

Johnny says "Well... there was this big dog chasing the bus, and a little dog was chasing the big dog... then the bus came to a sudden stop and the little dog slammed right up the big dog's a^^hole !"

Teacher says, "Johnny, you shouldn't use that word. Say rectum instead."

Johnny says "Wrecked 'em? Hell, it killed 'em!"

Edited December 29, 2014 by Living in a cartoon

[loong]

What;s hairy on the outside, moist on the inside,

Begins with "C" and ends with 'T"

also has a "u" and a "n"

A Coconut

[Living in a cartoon]

A woman has identical twins and gives them up for adoption One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Ahmal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're identical twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

[loong]

A woman walks into a gynaecologist's office for an exam.

She gets on the stirrups and the doctor says,

"You have a really huge vagina. You have a really huge vagina."

The woman replies, "You didn't have to say it twice."

The doctor says, "I didn't."

[Living in a cartoon]

Did you hear about the Thai monk who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

I'll get my coat...

[laislica]

[7by7]

A man dies and goes to heaven; to be shown around..

"You will see," says his guide, "that we have all religions mixing freely and happily here. Christians, Jews, Muslims, Hindus, Buddhist, whatever. Also different sects of all religions; for example Baptists, Anglicans, Methodists."

After a while they come to a very large wall, and the man asks "What's behind this wall?"

"Ah," says the guide "behind there are the Catholics; they like to think they're the only ones here!"

(Thanks to the late, great Dave Allen.)

[laislica]

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2020, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections

and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

[mca]

Did you hear about the Thai monk who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

I'll get my coat...

Christ mate that's grim LOL

A bloke went to a local gym to sign up for some stretching and aerobic classes.

The instructor said to him " Are you flexible?"

" Well I can't make Tuesdays" he replied

[loong]

This woman longed for the perfect manicure and yet could not stop biting her nails? Her friend recommended yoga. A short while later this friend congratulated her on her beautiful manicure, pleased that yoga had helped. It certainly did! the woman replied; Now I am biting my toe nails instead!

[Living in a cartoon]

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ...

A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

[Living in a cartoon]

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table.

The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments, tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead. The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room and comes out with a cat and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead, too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead. So the vet brings in a black lab, the lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes. The vet answers, "$650." "$650 to tell me my dog is dead?" exclaims the man. "Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."

[laislica]

This be the one?

Economics 101

A woman Realizes Her Customers Are Drunk And Unemployed.

Her Solution Is Genius.

Mary is the proprietor of a bar in Dublin.

She realizes that virtually all of her customers are unemployed alcoholics and, as such, can no longer afford to patronise her bar.

To solve this problem, she comes up with a new marketing plan that allows her customers to drink now, but pay later. She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Mary's "drink now, pay later" marketing strategy and, as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Mary's bar. Soon she has the largest sales volume for any bar in Dublin.

By providing her customers' freedom from immediate payment demands, Mary gets no resistance when, at regular intervals, she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages. Consequently, Mary's gross sales volume increases massively.

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognises that these customer debts constitute valuable future assets and increases Mary's borrowing limit. He sees no reason for any undue concern, since he has the debts of the unemployed alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders figure a way to make huge commissions, and transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS. These securities are then bundled and traded on international security markets. Naive investors don't really understand that the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics. Nevertheless, the bond prices continuously climb, and the securities soon become the hottest-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses.

One day, even though the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the original local bank decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Mary's bar. He so informs Mary.

Mary then demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed alcoholics they cannot pay back their drinking debts.Since, Mary cannot fulfil her loan obligations she is forced into bankruptcy. The bar closes and the eleven employees lose their jobs.

Overnight, DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS drop in price by 90%. The collapsed bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans, thus freezing credit and economic activity in the community.

The suppliers of Mary's bar had granted her generous payment extensions and had invested their firms' pension funds in the various BOND securities. They find they are now faced with having to write off her bad debt and with losing over 90% of the presumed value of the bonds.

Her wine supplier also claims bankruptcy, closing the doors on a family business that had endured for three generations, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 150 workers.

Fortunately though, the bank, the brokerage houses and their respective executives are saved and bailed out by a multi-billion euro no-strings attached cash infusion from their cronies in Government and they are able to pay themselves substancial bonuses.

The funds required for this bailout are obtained by new taxes levied on employed, middle-class, non-drinkers who have never been in Mary's bar.

Now, do you understand economics in 2015?

This Must be the worst Joke Ever?

[laislica]

Sh1t happens.

Yesterday I was inside a shop for max 5 min.

when I got out, stood a COP and wrote a fine ....

I went over to him and asked him to relax and give people a chance.

He ignored me completely and wrote the registration number down.

I raised my voice and called him <deleted> and rule rider.

He looked at me while he heaved the fine by and began to examine the tires.

Then he began to write a new <deleted> fine.

I called him an ass hole and asked him to go to hell.

Then he examined the rubber edge of the wiper and wrote a new fine.

This went on for 10 min.

The more I slandered him to the more fines, he wrote,

and put them behind the windshield wiper.

Eventually I gave up,

I went back to my own car.

[faraday]

I look forward to the day when a Chicken can cross the road, without being asked why.

[WitawatWatawit]

If you buy a dozen watches and attach them together to make a belt for your jeans, what do you have? A waist of time, of course.

Just sayin'.