Ten Things You Will Never Hear In Thailand.........

[theblether]

Muslima girl........Okay, I marry you and become Christian same you.

[rideswings]

Male motorbike rider: I dont care if this helmet messes up my over-gelled hair, Im more concerned about my safety and Im wearing it anyway.

[mackes]

Thai gf: No

[maidu]

Thai man to Thai woman: You are pregnant? That means it is time to face my responsibility and take good care of you and the child instead of boozing all day, running away and <deleted> the next best girl until the whole thing starts all over again!

nail on the head - hit!

Mother, upon hearing hear her son impregnated a young woman; "Son, get a DNA test. If it's found that's your child, then do one of two things: Marry the girl if she genuinely wants to marry you, or give her 25,000 per month until the child is 18."

Father, upon hearing his son impregnated a young woman: "Son, don't make excuses. I was young once. You probably date raped the girl. Admit it, and take responsibility. I'm going to tell your boss to take 25,000 baht of your monthly salary and send it directly to the single mom."

Thai gov't: We will now enact a law which compels deadbeat dads to be financially responsible for each child they sire, whether within wedlock or not. Failure to comply will result in incareceration in 'Deadbeat Dad Compound' where men are compelled to work making useful things (brooms, licence plates, etc) - with half their wages sent directly to the abandoned mothers and children."

University bosses to prospective students: "We know 90% of classes just necessitate you sit facing the front of the classroom and pretend you're listening. And 90% of what we teach is worthless, but we make a lot of money on the tuition your parents pay, so shut up and try to attend classes some of the time."

[IanForbes]

Thai man to Thai woman: You are pregnant? That means it is time to face my responsibility and take good care of you and the child instead of boozing all day, running away and <deleted> the next best girl until the whole thing starts all over again!

nail on the head - hit!

Mother, upon hearing hear her son impregnated a young woman; "Son, get a DNA test. If it's found that's your child, then do one of two things: Marry the girl if she genuinely wants to marry you, or give her 25,000 per month until the child is 18."

Father, upon hearing his son impregnated a young woman: "Son, don't make excuses. I was young once. You probably date raped the girl. Admit it, and take responsibility. I'm going to tell your boss to take 25,000 baht of your monthly salary and send it directly to the single mom."

Thai gov't: We will now enact a law which compels deadbeat dads to be financially responsible for each child they sire, whether within wedlock or not. Failure to comply will result in incareceration in 'Deadbeat Dad Compound' where men are compelled to work making useful things (brooms, licence plates, etc) - with half their wages sent directly to the abandoned mothers and children."

University bosses to prospective students: "We know 90% of classes just necessitate you sit facing the front of the classroom and pretend you're listening. And 90% of what we teach is worthless, but we make a lot of money on the tuition your parents pay, so shut up and try to attend classes some of the time."

Too true, Maidu. If it wasn't so sad it would be funny. I personally know of at least 20 such cases.

[maidu]

Bank teller to well dressed smiling man who just popped to the front of the long queu: "Excuse me sir, You'll have to go to the back of the queu like a regular person would."

Shop attendant to person who hands money to her for an item, while you're doing a transaction with her: "Sir, please wait until I'm finished dealing with this person here in front of me." OR "Wait until it's your turn."

Person with large load of items, ready to check out: "Oh, you just have a couple items. Go ahead and check out in front of me."

Young man sitting on crowded bus, seeing elderly person (or woman holding baby) standing nearby: Says nothing, just stands and motions for other person to sit.

Thai person checking out of shop: "No plastic bag, thanks. This item is already wrapped in several layers of plastic. Indeed, I'll take some of the layers of packaging off here - you don't mind throwing it away do you? Plus, you can tell the manufacturers and suppliers to lighten up on the overwhelming packaging. Then maybe we can save a few sea turtles who ingest plastic bags, thinking they're jellyfish, then choke and die. Keep the bag, save a turtle."

Thai fisherman: "This net is no good anymore. I'm going to take it to the dump in town, rather than just abandon it at sea like all my fishermen buddies do. That way, the old net won't be a death trap for sea life. Indeed, I'm going to start packing trash bags, so instead of tossing all my rubish overbard, I'll dump it the landfill."

Any Thai: "I'm going to resist the temptation to buy a cute little pup at the market, because it's too young to be taken away from its mother - and will always be a nervous barking dog."

"I'm not going to abandon my dog when it ceases to be a cute little pup, in order to get another cute little pup. Indeed, I'm going to get my dog 'fixed' so it doesn't make dozens of other pups, most of which will probably roam the neighborhood untended, and severly bother the neighbors."

"I'm not going to put tee shirts and sweaters on my dog, because I think the dog doesn't mind less than warm weather."

Any Thai person: "It's a bit cooler than perfect temperature, but it's not cold." OR

"it's one degree warmer than ideal, but it's not hot."

"No problem staying the night without a lot of familiar people around. I'm not afraid of, and indeed, I stopped believing in ghosts."

[loong]

Thai Person - I'm not going to stand just outside the bathroom and exit the contents of my nose/heck up and spit just over the threshold. That would be disgusting, the next person to walk in would certainly step in it with bare feet"

[maidu]

Thai parents to 27 year old son: "Well, how nice it is to finally meet the woman you plan to marry. She has such beautiful milk chocolate skin."

Thais out on a picnic: "Instead of the women sitting by the SUV for three hours, dealing with the meal, let's all take a several Km hike through the hills."

Farang, next to his Thai wife with dead eyes: "Yes, I did first meet her in a Patpong bar, upstairs. How can you tell?"

Thais leaving a waterfall: "let's pack our trash out of here - including some of the trash that others left."

Thai MP to Chalerm: "I'm having a big party next week, Would your youngest son be available to run the parking area for the limousines? He's not quick to anger, is he?"

Edited April 1, 2012 by maidu

[maidu]

20-something year old child to his hi-so parents: "Mae, Paw I've decided I want to take a year off after college to explore the world. I won't make any money while traveling, but I found an environmental organization which will take me on as a volunteer in Africa. Isn't that a great idea, where I can learn about other cultures, and actually help people in need, without worrying about making a bunch of money?"

Thai hi-so parents to 20-something year old child: "What an interesting idea; taking a year off to explore the world. Be safe. We love you."

Note from Maidu: I'm a Wwoof Host (wwoof.net) in N.Thailand, and have had hundreds of backpackers stay at my rural place for work exchange. Guess what % are from Thailand or Asia? Zero. All the spirited lovely young men and women who partake in the program are from Europe and N.America, with a few from S.Africa, Australia and Latin America. I know why Asians don't participate. It's because they're so fixated on making money, that they don't want to devote any calories to exploring the world and learning unusual things and enjoying unscripted experiences, .....or being challenged by anything that doesn't smell of money.

Edited April 1, 2012 by maidu

[Scott]

A series of rather nasty and overly stereotypical posts and replies to them have been removed. There is a fine line between humor and nastiness. It has been crossed in this thread.

If you are in doubt about a post, please check the rules and post accordingly.

[StreetCowboy]

A series of rather nasty and overly stereotypical posts and replies to them have been removed. There is a fine line between humor and nastiness. It has been crossed in this thread.

If you are in doubt about a post, please check the rules and post accordingly.

Better still - if in doubt; refrain. If you think it MIGHT be offensive, then for sure some others WILL think it is.

(quick bit of pots and kettles there...)

SC

[DocN]

Thai gf: No

Heard that! The question was: can we turn the soap opera off and do something usefull or nice?

[DocN]

7eleven cashier: Sir, I would rather ask you if you need 6 straws, 8 plastic joghurt- spoons and 5 plastic- bags for 8 articles, instead of mindlessly contributing to the Thailand waste problem!

[connda]

Thai Ants looking at a Hot Water Machine: Yeah, you know, I don't think we should crawl up into the hole to get water. When the big people turn that thing on in the morning, everyone gets boiled alive. I've lost half my family up there!

[connda]

Me getting my morning coffee: Heyyyy. Hot water is on!!! <Phssssssst Phssssssst> Ohhhh goodie! Boiled ants -- extra protein with my coffee this morning!

Edited April 2, 2012 by connda

[pauljones]

Movie Theatre Operator:

You know, we should unlock the fire exits in case there is an emergency and our customers need to escape.

[connda]

Scottish ants at thebleather's house:

Ant McMurphy: "Jock look. Wee Robbie took a swim in thebleathers Scotch Whiskey and drowned!"

Ant Jock: "Ahhh but Murph, look at the smile on the lad's face!"

Edited April 2, 2012 by connda

[connda]

Movie Theatre Operator:

You know, we should unlock the fire exits in case there is an emergency and our customers need to escape.

Fire Marshall: I can't take 2000 baht to ignore this gross violation.

Edited April 2, 2012 by connda

[IanForbes]

Me getting my morning coffee: Heyyyy. Hot water is on!!! <Phssssssst Phssssssst> Ohhhh goodie! Boiled ants -- extra protein with my coffee this morning!

Got the visual picture and had to laugh.

[StreetCowboy]

Scottish ants at bleather house:

Ant McMurphy: "Jock look. Wee Robbie took a swim in thebleathers Scotch Whiskey and drowned."

Ant Jock: "Ahhh but Murph, look at the smile on the lad's face!"

Ah telt ye somdy'd been at the whisky. How much's the wee bugger drank?

SC

Honestly, by the way boys, where do these chaps learn to spell, kenwhitameenanatjimmy?

[pauljones]

Pantip Plaza Manager thinking to himself:

I shouldn't rent out the floor-space by the fire exits and entrance. There could be carnage if a fire were to happen.

[connda]

Scottish ants at bleather house:

Ant McMurphy: "Jock look. Wee Robbie took a swim in thebleathers Scotch Whiskey and drowned."

Ant Jock: "Ahhh but Murph, look at the smile on the lad's face!"

Ah telt ye somdy'd been at the whisky. How much's the wee bugger drank?

SC

Honestly, by the way boys, where do these chaps learn to spell, kenwhitameenanatjimmy?

I guess I should really run my English version through the Google Scottish Brogue Translator.

Edited April 2, 2012 by connda

[connda]

Me getting my morning coffee: Heyyyy. Hot water is on!!! <Phssssssst Phssssssst> Ohhhh goodie! Boiled ants -- extra protein with my coffee this morning!

Got the visual picture and had to laugh.

My America tourist friend drinking his morning coffee: Heyyyy. Thanks for the cup 'o joe! <sluurrp> Humm? What this? Looks like there's grounds in this coffee.

Me: Ahhh, it's instant coffee dude......there are no grounds.

Edited April 2, 2012 by connda

[maxme]

Wife: No dear, there is no point in getting another soap for free (buy 1 get 1) since we have so much soap already at home.

[gkinbkk]

Havent read the full 29 pages so apologise if I repeating whats already been said.

In business:

1. We have a clear plan and we intend to execute to that plan

2. Sorry Mr Customer the price you want to pay or insist on paying for our goods and services is way below cost and I'm going to have to walk away from this particular deal

3. Don't worry, I won't bother you on leave

4. It was my fault, I'm fully accountable and I take full responsibility for the massive screw up that occured

5. The foreigners that work in our Bangkok office are all exceptional professionals and I would never point the finger at them

6. let's work through lunch so we can get out of here early

7. I would never surround myself with incompetent people to make me look good

8. Sorry Mr Customer, its Songkran/New Year/Whatever holiday and my key people are out on leave so I cannot revise my proposal until the following week

9. I fully understand why our Employee Satisfaction numbers are the lowest in the region and here is my 10 point plan to rectify the situation

10. Thanks for the information/white paper/proposal/presentation etc. it was really useful and I appreciate all the effort you put into it. When we win the deal I will be sure to give you the appropriate recognition for your contribution

[StreetCowboy]

Things you're unlikely to hear in Sid's Pub

"Ah'm pished, Cowboy. Ah'm goanie be in no fit state for the morra's mornin'"

"Dinnae you worry Imam, I'll dae the Call to Prayers. Gie's a gargle wi' that Glenmorangie to get the vocal chords in tune"

SC

[balo]

Thai GF to her farang bf: I will pay the bills today.

.

Edited April 2, 2012 by balo

[loong]

Driver when seeing that there is only 1 house in my road with a vehicle in the driveway - "There's plenty of places to park, so I won't park across this driveway"

[pauljones]

Customer Service:

We should update our automated phone answering system so our customers do not get dropped into a black hole.

[maidu]

Thai answering a wrongly dialed phone number: "I'm sorry, no one by that name is here. It appears you've dialed a wrong number. Goodbye."

Head monk: "Go ahead and let go of your silly notions that the soles of your feet are the dirtiest and lowliest parts of your body. There are no parts of your body which are worse than any other parts. There is no mention of that by the Buddha nor in any sutras. You might ask me, 'what's the harm in believing such silly things?' And I'll tell you the story of the son of a VIP who shot and killed a man who unintentionally stepped on the gunman's shoes."

Top brass police or military: "If one or more of my men broke the law, then, if found guilty via objective court proceedings, they should be disciplined accordingly."

Top brass police or military: "because of the seriousness of the crime, and because it affected civilians, I will allow my men to be judged and sentenced by a civil court. A military tribunal would be too willing to shield the men from consequence."

Yingluck, Chalerm and Red Shirts: "If any Thai person breaks the law, they should be charged, tried and sentenced accordingly. If found guilty, they should pay the consequences according to the dictates of the law."