One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your

pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

Why is it called Alcoholics Anonymous when the first thing you do is

stand up and say, 'My name is Peter and I am an alcoholic'?

A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese Businessman and an Aussie Rancher were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Aussie Rancher fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'

The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The Chinese Businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'

The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him.'

'Hello, George!', said the Catholic Priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

George the greens keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic Priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'

The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honor of these brave souls'

The Aussie Rancher said, 'Why the <deleted> can't they play at night?'

Good punch-line! :D

In My Bed

I lie awake waiting for you. As I lie on my bed, thinking about you, I feel

this strong urge to grab you and squeeze you, because I can't forget last night.

You came to me unexpectedly during the balmy and calm night, and

what happened in my bed still leaves a tingling sensation in me.

You appeared from nowhere and shamelessly, without any reservations,

you lay on my naked body. You sensed my indifference, so you applied your

hungry mouth to me without any guilt or humiliation, and you nearly drove me

crazy while you drained me. Finally I went to sleep.

Today when I woke up, you were gone. I searched for you but to no avail,

only the sheets bore witness to last night's events. My body still bears

faint marks of your enthusiastic ravishing, making it harder to forget you.

Tonight I will remain awake waiting for you...

....you f*cking mosquito.

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big boobs.

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation

ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many

children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday,

I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking . We went to a motel, where I

had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins? '

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody.'

One Sunday, while counting the money in the donation box, the abbott of a small Isaan

Wat found a plain pink envelope containing 10,000 baht.

It happened again the next week. The following Sunday, he discretely watched the donation box as various people entered and departed the temple. He noticed a little old lady put a distinctive pink envelope into the box .

This went on for weeks until the abbott, overcome by curiosity, approached her.

"Khun Lek, I couldn't help but notice that you put 10,000 baht a week into the donation box." he stated.

"Why yes," she replied, "every week my son sends me money, and I give some of it to the temple."

The abbott replied, "That's wonderful, how much does he send you?"

The old lady said, "100,000 baht a week."

The abbott was amazed. "Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?"

"He is a veterinarian," she answered.

"That is an honorable profession," the abbott said. "Where does he practice?"

Khun Lek said proudly, "In Bangkok. He has two cat houses, in Bangkok and one in Pattaya !"

BETTING IMMIGRANTS

Two families move from Pakistan to America . When they arrive the two fathers make a bet to see, in a year's time, which family has become more Americanized.

A year later they meet again.

The first man says, “My son is playing baseball. I had breakfast at McDonalds and I'm on my way to pick up a case of Bud. How about you?”

The second man replies, “F_ _ K you, Raghead.“

Did you hear the sad news ?

raro came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep

slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, raro..'

raro was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a

chicken.'

raro was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home..

The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied raro the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm gonna

explode!'

'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster.'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'Never,' said raro.

'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

raro did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

raro was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another

egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife yell.....

'raro! Wake up. You shit the bed again !'

The Pope after visiting Australia for World Youth Day decided to pop over to Britain before heading back to the Vatican. There he meets with the Queen of England (and a few colonies ) for a cup of tea. The Queen invites his Holiness out to the balcony for a photo opportunity with the assembled crowd below. The Queen turns to the Pope and says "I can make thousands of true Church Of England followers swoon with delight with just one wave of my hand. The Pope tells her "show me" So the Queen lifts her hand and gives a gentle wave. Thousands of people in the crowd cheered and clapped. The Pope thought hmm what to do, so he says "I can make millions of true Catholics around the world cheer not just for now but for weeks to come, just by nodding my head. The Queen turns to him and say "show me" so the Pope head butted her.

CB

The Pope after visiting Australia for World Youth Day decided to pop over to Britain before heading back to the Vatican. There he meets with the Queen of England (and a few colonies ) for a cup of tea. The Queen invites his Holiness out to the balcony for a photo opportunity with the assembled crowd below. The Queen turns to the Pope and says "I can make thousands of true Church Of England followers swoon with delight with just one wave of my hand. The Pope tells her "show me" So the Queen lifts her hand and gives a gentle wave. Thousands of people in the crowd cheered and clapped. The Pope thought hmm what to do, so he says "I can make millions of true Catholics around the world cheer not just for now but for weeks to come, just by nodding my head. The Queen turns to him and say "show me" so the Pope head butted her.

CB

Speaking of the Pope....

On a recent tour of Australia, a local entrepreneur decided to cash in on the visit by having a papal slogan printed on T shirts.

The slogan read: "I got touched by the Pope Down Under!"

Apparently there was a little outrage over this.

A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mom", he asked, "Are these my brains?"

"Not yet," she replied.

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.

One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.

Apparently 'my cock' is not an acceptable answer.

Just to show that not all my short ones are sexually related...

Zebo, a half blind five year old south african orphan, has to ride 7 miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.

Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you the video, it's <deleted> hilarious....

US Army plan for live pig kill

July 19, 2008 12:00am

THE US Army plans to shoot live pigs and treat their gunshot wounds in a medical trauma exercise for soldiers headed to Iraq.

The army says it's critical to saving the lives of wounded soldiers; animal rights activists call it cruel and as outdated as Civil War rifles.

PETA demanded the exercise be halted after it was notified by a "distraught" soldier from the unit.

"There's absolutely no reason why they have to shoot live pigs," PETA spokeswoman Holly Beal said.

- AP

Oh the irony!

Maybe PETA can arainge for some volunteers so the pigs are not upset.

Two blokes are talking in a pub (as they do) and one chap is explaining how he went for his first parachute jump earlier that day.

"I got the chute on my back and cleated to the static line, a few people went before me, but when I got to the door I froze"

"and what happened?"

"well, the instructor just started shouting 'jump' at me"

"did you?"

" I was still too scared, and then he said that if I didn't jump he was going to yank down my trousers and butt <deleted> me "

"did you jump then?"

"just a bit at first"

So what are the best Jokes you have heard this year, the ones that you have wanted to tell the world, but did not post in the jokes forum!

One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".

Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".

The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".

Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".

On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.

Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "fuc_k" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.

Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fuc_king the turkey!

Broke Back Deer Camp

Four guys were at deer camp. They had to bunk two to a room.

No one wanted to room with Daryl because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Daryl and came to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

The other two said, 'Man, what happened to you?' He said, 'Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night.'

The next night it was the second guy's turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.

The other two said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!' He said, 'Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I sat up and watched him all night.'

The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.

'Good morning,' he said.

The other two couldn't believe it! He looked rested and wide awake.

They asked, 'Man, what happened?'

He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed, patted his arse and kissed him good night.

Daryl sat up and watched me all night.'

Editor's Note:

Daryl = kurgen

First Guy = Jai Dee

Second Guy = tuky

Third Guy (Frank) = britmaveric

(and I heard is wasn't "deer" camp, but "beer" camp)

(or was that after the last Pattaya PissUp ?)

If people from Poland are called Poles,

..........why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If people from Poland are called Poles,

..........why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Shouldn't this be in the random posts thread?

MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.

If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

DINING OUT

When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in $20, even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.

When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY

A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.

A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need, but it's on sale !

BATHROOMS

A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel.

The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 137. A man would not be able to identify more than 6 of these items (toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel).

ARGUMENTS

A woman has the last word in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

FUTURE

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP

A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the trash, answer the phone, read a book, and get the mail.

A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.

NATURAL

Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.

Women, well that's a different story.

OFFSPRING

Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favorite foods, secret fears, hopes and dreams.

A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

When I was a young guy, I prayed every nite for a new bicycle.

When after a long time I never received one........

I stole one, and prayed for forgiveness.

Two buddies, Joe and Mike, are getting very drunk at a bar when suddenly Mike throws up all overhimself. 'Oh,no. Now Jane will kill me!'

Joe says, 'Don't worry, pal. Just tuck a twenty in your breast pocket, tell her that someone threw up on you and gave you twenty dollars for the dry cleaning bill.'

So they stay for another couple of hours and get even drunker.

Eventually Mike rolls into home and Jane starts to give him a bad time. 'You reek of booze and you've puked all over yourself! My God, you're disgusting!'

Speaking very carefully so as not to slur, Mike says, 'Nowainaminit, I can e'splain everythin! Itsh snot wha jew think. I only had a cupla drrrinks. But thiss other guy got ssick on me... he had one too many and he juss couldin hold hizz liquor. He said he was verrry sorry an'gave me twennie bucks for the cleaning bill!'

Jane looks in the breast pocket and says, 'But this is forty bucks.'

'Oh, yeah... I almos' fergot, he shhhit in my pants, too.'

How wise are the ten commandments.

Each one applies to someone I know.

How wise are the ten commandments.

Each one applies to someone I know.

The All Blacks are desperate to avoid a third straight Tri-Nations defeat, having lost their five-year unbeaten record against the Springboks and succumbed to the Wallabies in Sydney.

They can take heart from their record at Eden Park, where they have not lost to Australia over nine matches in the last 22 years.

The Wallabies last prevailed at the All Blacks stronghold, where the hosts have not lost since 1994, with a 22-9 victory in 1986.

Australia's last win in New Zealand came seven years ago, a 23-19 victory in Dunedin.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kan Win

How wise are the ten commandments.

Each one applies to someone I know.

Every one applies to everyone I know!

A Loving Touch

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.

It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the television.

As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'

He said, 'I found the remote'.