Japanese scientists have developed a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

A woman standing nud_e in front of the mirror, says to her husband "I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment."

He says "Darling, your eyesight is perfect."

Wife gets naked and asks hubby "What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

Hubby looks her up and down and says "Your sense of humour."

A boy asked his granny "Have you seen my pills, they are labelled LSD", granny replies "Sod the pills have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?"

How wise are the ten commandments.

Each one applies to someone I know.

The All Blacks are desperate to avoid a third straight Tri-Nations defeat, having lost their five-year unbeaten record against the Springboks and succumbed to the Wallabies in Sydney.

They can take heart from their record at Eden Park, where they have not lost to Australia over nine matches in the last 22 years.

The Wallabies last prevailed at the All Blacks stronghold, where the hosts have not lost since 1994, with a 22-9 victory in 1986.

Australia's last win in New Zealand came seven years ago, a 23-19 victory in Dunedin.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kan Win

Yeah - watching the match last Saturday - the Kiwi's defence was absolutely laughable.

(I refuse to acknowledge that 'team' as being All Blacks - they don't deserve it)

Jaidee you've got some really good ones!!!

How wise are the ten commandments.

Each one applies to someone I know.

The All Blacks are desperate to avoid a third straight Tri-Nations defeat, having lost their five-year unbeaten record against the Springboks and succumbed to the Wallabies in Sydney.

They can take heart from their record at Eden Park, where they have not lost to Australia over nine matches in the last 22 years.

The Wallabies last prevailed at the All Blacks stronghold, where the hosts have not lost since 1994, with a 22-9 victory in 1986.

Australia's last win in New Zealand came seven years ago, a 23-19 victory in Dunedin.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Kan Win

Yeah - watching the match last Saturday - the Kiwi's defence was absolutely laughable.

(I refuse to acknowledge that 'team' as being All Blacks - they don't deserve it)

KAN, there were a lotta blacks, maybe not the lot.

Beware of a wounded KIWI.

The ALL BLACKS ROARED on Sat nite.

Poor wounded WANNABIES ...........LOL

there were a lotta blacks, maybe not the lot.

Beware of a wounded KIWI.

The ALL BLACKS ROARED on Sat nite.

Poor wounded WANNABIES ...........LOL

Yes it was a good game and with the final decider coming up will make it all the better for the code.

As a good Oz I take pride in my country but I am happy to tip the hat to a game very well played by the kiwis.

|CB

there were a lotta blacks, maybe not the lot.

Beware of a wounded KIWI.

The ALL BLACKS ROARED on Sat nite.

Poor wounded WANNABIES ...........LOL

Yes it was a good game and with the final decider coming up will make it all the better for the code.

As a good Oz I take pride in my country but I am happy to tip the hat to a game very well played by the kiwis.

|CB

Roll on Brisbane. C'Mon da ALL Blacks.

Lotta kwis around Bris, rugby in general will prosper..

Yeah, man, it was a reversal, ABs hadda win, or next game be no fun..

Gunna be WAR next....... love it.

There was a man called Jimmy Murphy who owned a nail factory. He was

thinking of a television advertisement to promote his business.

He explained to his friend the idea for his TV ad. The ad would depict

the crucifixion of Jesus. A Roman soldier would be pictured nailing

Jesus to the cross and when the soldier finished he turned around to the

camera with a smile and said 'Use Murphy's Nails, they're the best!'

At this, Murphy's friend was appalled; he said to Murphy that no one

would ever buy his nails after seeing that advertisement.

As a result of this Murphy decided that it would be best if he changed

the ad. So he changed the ad...

A few weeks after this conversation Murphy's friend was watching the

telly when the new ad came on...

It showed the Roman soldiers running down the street after Jesus. Jesus

was roaring with laughter and was shouting to the soldiers 'You should

have used Murphy's Nails, ya stupid bastards!'

Yours truly

Kan Win

An Irish woman was admitted to hospital after having phone sex.

Doctors removed 2 Nokias, 3 Motorolas and a Samsung.

No Siemen was found.

Not PC OK?

Musical Chairs.

I went to my first Muslim birthday party today!

Musical chairs was a bit slow ........

but f* *k me, pass the parcel was fast!

Not PC OK?

Musical Chairs.

I went to my first Muslim birthday party today!

Musical chairs was a bit slow ........

but f* *k me, pass the parcel was fast!

And she said :- Does my bomb look big in this !

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas .

What a great sense of humor and creativity!!!

**********************************************

When I was born, I was BLACK,

When I grew up, I was BLACK,

When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,

When I got cold, I was BLACK,

When I was scared, I was BLACK,

When I was sick, I was BLACK,

And when I die, I'll still be BLACK.

**********************************************

NOW, You 'white' folks....

When you're born, you're PINK,

When you grow-up, you're WHITE,

When you go in the sun, you get RED,

When you're cold, you turn BLUE,

When you're scared, you're YELLOW,

When you get sick, you're GREEN,

When you bruise, you turn PURPLE,

And when you die, you look GRAY.

So who y'all callin'

COLORED folks?

Kan Win

That's pretty naff to be honest Uncky Win.

That's pretty naff to be honest Uncky Win.

It's an old one and although pretty naff, it does make a mockery of the word 'coloured'!

Dark...........?

I keep having my profile on that dating website 'Match.com' rejected.

One of the questions is, 'What do you want in a woman?'.

Apparently 'my dick' is not an acceptable answer.

------------------------------------------------------------------

Why are men like clouds? eventually they <deleted>*k off and its a really

nice day

------------------------------------------------------------------

Whats the difference between light and hard?

You can sleep with a light on.

-------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a petrol station and says, 'can I please have a KitKat

Chunky?'

The lady behind the till gets him a KitKat Chunky and brings it back to

him.

'No,' says the man, 'I wanted a normal KitKat, you fat bitch.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------

My boyfriend , being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me one of these mood

rings so he could monitor my mood.

We discovered that, when I am in a good mood, it turns green and, when I

am in a bad mood, it leaves a big <deleted>*king big red mark on his forehead.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

I was at an ATM money machine when an old lady came up and asked me to

check her balance.

So I pushed her over.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

Zebo, a half blind five year old south African orphan, has to ride 7

miles a day to school with only one leg on a bicycle with buckled wheels

and no brakes. Give just small donation of 2 dollars and we'll send you

the video, it's <deleted>*king hilarious....

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Two men are in a pub. One says to his mate 'My mother-in-law is an

angel'. The reply from his friend...... 'You're so <deleted>*king lucky...

Mine's still alive...'

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

A man goes into a library and asks for a book on suicide.

The librarian says; '<deleted>*k off, you won't bring it back.'

redrus

Redrus

Watch out for the PC Bedlam brigade,

But thanks, this was funny

Redrus

Watch out for the PC Bedlam brigade,

But thanks, this was funny

They like me, I'm Jonny Nice Guy, don't you know.....

redrus

Ok , Got you

Still think Boaters poem best, sooooo funny........... hahaha

......... ............. ............

Fact and truth win out allatime.

Still think Boaters poem best, sooooo funny........... hahaha

......... ............. ............

Fact and truth win out allatime.

well at least someone saw it in the same context as me

But i have asked a Mod to remove, cannot be arsed with the comments about me being a racist, suppose the only people who found that part funny was MY asian G/F and african friend

This was written by a black gentleman in Texas .

What a great sense of humor and creativity!!!

**********************************************

When I was born, I was BLACK,

When I grew up, I was BLACK,

When I went in the sun, I stayed BLACK,

When I got cold, I was BLACK,

When I was scared, I was BLACK,

When I was sick, I was BLACK,

And when I die, I'll still be BLACK.

**********************************************

NOW, You 'white' folks....

When you're born, you're PINK,

When you grow-up, you're WHITE,

When you go in the sun, you get RED,

When you're cold, you turn BLUE,

When you're scared, you're YELLOW,

When you get sick, you're GREEN,

When you bruise, you turn PURPLE,

And when you die, you look GRAY.

So who y'all callin'

COLORED folks?

Kan Win

Where are all the PC brigade, this is pure racist drivel, called clever.

Luv it,

hahahahaha

That's pretty naff to be honest Uncky Win.

Sorry "Thaddeus" defo not me style, but with that Poem Fred me tink it would bring some colour into this Bed-loom.

Sorry once again

Yours truly

Kan Win, not this time around

Edit:- This is the "Short Ones..., Warning: not PC"

Watch out for the PC Bedlam brigade,

Hope I am not one of them, only The Sun gets too hot in Bed-loom for me.

Yours truly

Kan Win

Kan, good to see you again my old pal.

I want know what this poem is now, I can't cos it's been deleted....

redrus

Hey red, I love the new happy avatar!

Level Of Insanity

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

19 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and

point a hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They

Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has

Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling

Diamonds'

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The

Prophecy.'

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious

face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical

Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their

Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock

Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot,

Yelling 'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are

Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

Level Of Insanity

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

19 Ways to Maintain a Healthy Level of Insanity

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and

point a hair Dryer At Passing Cars. See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice.

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask If They

Want Fries with that.

4. Put Your Garbage Can On Your Desk And Label It 'In.'

5. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks. Once Everyone has

Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

6. In The Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write 'For Smuggling

Diamonds'

7. Finish All Your sentences with 'In Accordance With The

Prophecy.'

8. Don t use any punctuation

9. As Often As Possible, Skip Rather Than Walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat with a serious

face.

11. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go.'

12. Sing Along At The Opera.

13. Go To A Poetry Recital And Ask Why The Poems Don't Rhyme.

14. Put Mosquito Netting Around Your Work Area And Play tropical

Sounds All Day.

15. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their

Party Because You're Not In The Mood.

16. Have Your Co-workers Address You By Your Wrestling Name, Rock

Bottom.

17. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won!, I Won!'

18. When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking lot,

Yelling 'Run For Your Lives, They're Loose!!'

19. Tell Your Children Over Dinner. 'Due To The Economy, We Are

Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

I love this one