He's Bill Posters brother in law.

The police have been looking for both of them for years.

A dam_n FINE EXPLANATION!!!

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman.And was somewhat upset.

'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried.

'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away !'

And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love,so at least I can tell you what happened.'

'Fine,go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.' The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said,

'Please, do you have anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

Siamese twins walk into a pub in Brisbane and park themselves on a bar stool. One says to the barman, 'Don't mind us, we're joined at the hip. I'm Joe , he's Jim, we'll have two XXXXs please'.

The barman, feeling slightly awkward, tries to make polite conversation while pouring the beers.

'Been on holiday yet, boys?'

'Off to America next month,' says Joe . 'We go to the States every year and hire a car and drive for miles, don't we, Jim?'

'Yair', says Jim, not the more talkative of the pair.

'Ah, America , 'says the barman. 'Wonderful country... the history, the scenery, the culture...'

'Nah, we don't like any of that Yank crap,' says Joe . 'Meat pies and beer, that's us, eh Jim? We can't stand the Yanks -- they're arrogant, rude and egotistical.'

'So why keep going to America ?' asks the barman.

'It's the only chance Jim gets to drive.'

" Mom, Why am I black and you're white ? "

" Don't even go there son. From what I remember of the party, it's lucky you don't bark "

An 18 year old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the chemist and buys a pregnancy kit.

The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later an AMG Mercedes stops in front of their house, a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Mercedes and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father, mother and the girl, and tells them:

'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the situation. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take responsibility for my actions.

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa and a $2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account.

If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.'

Finally, for causing such social embarrassment and distress to you both I would like to offer $1,000,000 in compensation, my private yacht, and Gold Coast penthouse to be at your disposal at any time.

'However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?'

At this point, the father, who had remained silent the entire time, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him...

'You root her again.'

Apologies if this has been posted already:

a recent headline

Sasha Obama Keeps Seeing Creepy Bush Twins While Riding Tricycle Through White House

article follows

Banking crisis - a word of caution!

If the global crisis continues at the present rate, by the end of this year only two banks will be left operational .... the Blood Bank and the Sperm Bank.

And before you know it, these two will merge, and the whole place will be full of bloody wanke_rs.

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with Him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, 'Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned

against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nud_e, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your

ears.' Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered .... 'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me.'

Old Chinese proverb say: Man who walks through doorway sideways with erection is always going to Bangkok.

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

After a night on the town, a young woman brought a new friend

home for a late-night drink.

"You can't make any noise," she warned him. "My parents are

upstairs and if they find out they'll kill us."

Things started getting heated on the sofa, but after a while

alcohol got the better of the man. "I have to...go" he said.

"Well you can't go upstairs. The bathroom is right next to my

parents' bedroom," she replied. "Use the kitchen sink."

So he dutifully retired to the kitchen. A few minutes later, he

popped his head around the door and asked,

"Do you have any toilet paper, or should I just use a paper

towel?"

They say prostitution is the oldest profession. That's bullshit.

...how could men have paid for sex if they didn't have jobs?

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40s or early 50s.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row - too expensive - and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "South Carolina."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as 'Euro-English'.

In the first year, 's' will replace the soft 'c'. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy.

The hard 'c' will be dropped in favour of 'k'. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome 'ph' will be replaced with 'f'. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent 'e' in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing 'th' with 'z' and 'w' with 'v'.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary 'o' kan be dropd from vords kontaining 'ou' and after ziz fifz yer , ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

Here is a real interview.

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an "Australian treasure!" General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:

I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:

But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:

Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

Irish medical Dictionary

Artery......................... The study of paintings.

Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.

Barium....................... What doctors do when patients die.

Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section........ A neighbourhood in Rome .

Catscan......................... Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her.

Colic........................... A sheep dog.

Coma............................. A punctuation mark.

Dilate......................... To live long.

Enema.......................... Not a friend.

Fester.......................... Quicker than someone else.

Fibula........................... A small lie.

Impotent...................... Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain................... Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane.

Morbid......................... A higher offer..

Nitrates........................ Cheaper than day rates.

Node........................... I knew it.

Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted.

Pelvis.......................... Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative................ A letter carrier.

Recovery Room............... Place to do upholstery.

Rectum.......................... Nearly killed him.

Secretion...................... Hiding something.

Seizure........................ Roman emperor.

Tablet......................... A small table..

Terminal Illness............. Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour......................... One plus one more.

Urine........................... Opposite of you're out

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong. "I feel terrible," he explained, "I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?"

The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the blonde, "What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?"

The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label.

It said: "Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave."

I'd not seen this one before so apologies if you all have.

Keep this in mind the next time you are about to repeat a rumour.

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, 'Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?'

'Wait a moment,' Socrates replied. 'Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test.'

'Triple filter?' asked the acquaintance.

'That's right,' Socrates continued. 'Before you talk to me about my student let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The

first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?'

'No,' the man said, 'actually I just heard about it.'

'All right,' said Socrates. 'So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what

you are about to tell me about my student something good?'

'No, on the contrary ....'.

'So,' Socrates continued, 'you want to tell me something bad about him, even though you're not certain it's true?'.

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued.' You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter - the filter

of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?'

'No, not really...'

'Well,' concluded Socrates, 'if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me at all?'

The man was defeated and ashamed. This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.

It also explains why he never found out that Plato was shagging his wife.

Irish medical Dictionary

Artery......................... The study of paintings.

Bacteria....................... Back door to cafeteria.

Barium....................... What doctors do when patients die.

Benign......................... What you be, after you be eight.

Caesarean Section........ A neighbourhood in Rome .

Catscan......................... Searching for Kitty.

Cauterize...................... Made eye contact with her.

Colic........................... A sheep dog.

Coma............................. A punctuation mark.

Dilate......................... To live long.

Enema.......................... Not a friend.

Fester.......................... Quicker than someone else.

Fibula........................... A small lie.

Impotent...................... Distinguished, well known.

Labour Pain................... Getting hurt at work.

Medical Staff.................. A Doctor's cane.

Morbid......................... A higher offer..

Nitrates........................ Cheaper than day rates.

Node........................... I knew it.

Outpatient..................... A person who has fainted.

Pelvis.......................... Second cousin to Elvis.

Post Operative................ A letter carrier.

Recovery Room............... Place to do upholstery.

Rectum.......................... Nearly killed him.

Secretion...................... Hiding something.

Seizure........................ Roman emperor.

Tablet......................... A small table..

Terminal Illness............. Getting sick at the airport.

Tumour......................... One plus one more.

Urine........................... Opposite of you're out

Excellent!

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. I said, "Morning."

He replied, "No, just having a shit."

An Englishman, Scotsman and an Irishman where all sentenced to solitary life imprisonment for serious crimes. However they where also given a wish each before being locked up alone for life:

When asked for his wish, the Englishman tells that he would like a lifetime supply of beer. His wish was granted.

The Scotsman's wish was for a lifetime supply of whiskey, again this wish was granted.

And when the Irishman asked for a lifetime supply of cigarettes his wish was also granted.

Some 10 years or so later, the guards thought that perhaps they should see how their prisoners where doing after being in solitary confinement for so long, and so went to check on them.

They opened the hatch to the Englishman's cell and asked "How's your beer?". The Englishman replied. "Bloody fine and dandy with my beer old boy". He was OK......

Next opened the hatch to the Scotsman's cell, "Your whiskey OK?" they asked. "Too bloody right I'm OK with my whiskey", the Scot replied. He too was just fine......

Next to the Irishman's cell, the open the hatch and ask. "Are you happy with your cigarettes there?" Too which Paddy replies...........

Have you got a light mate?

Hah Tu Spek Suthun - Redneck

BARD - verb. Past tense of the infinitive "to borrow."

Usage: "My brother bard my pickup truck."

JAWJUH - noun. A highly flammable state just north of Florida.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjah bard my pickup truck."

MUNTS - noun. A calendar division.

Usage: "My brother from Jawjuh bard my pickup truck, and I aint herd from him in munts."

IGNERT - adjective. Not smart. See "Auburn Alumni."

Usage: "Them N-C-TWO-A boys sure are ignert!"

RANCH - noun. A tool.

Usage: "I think I left my ranch in the back of that pickup truck my brother from Jawjuh bard a few munts ago."

More sumplace, will look.

NZHerald 30/04/09

A reader from Mairangi Bay, Auckland, out with 6-year-old son Max while mum was at home with the flu, was asked:

"Has mum got that wine flu?"

Dad explained that, first, mum was suffering from good old-fashioned flu and, second, this new virus was actually called "swine flu" and, third, ..........

"There probably had been the odd occasion when mummy had been suffering the effects of wine flu."

I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.

It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a Frenchman a kunt.

A sex therapist says the most effective way a woman can arouse a man, is to spend 10 minutes licking his ears.

Personally, i think it's <deleted>.

I can't see the big deal with calling a Pakistani a Paki.

It's just the same as calling an Australian an Aussie, a Scotsman a Scot or a Frenchman a kunt.

"Apparently my mate's got Swine Flu, I think he's just telling porkies, though."

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up.

She said I had to stop wanking.

When I asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

I thought I had symptoms of the Swine Flu. So I called the information hotline but all I heard was crackling.

Anyway, if any of you do get it. Cover yourself in Salt and Maple Syrup for 3 weeks and you'll be Cured.