Well, I suppose if your going to put it in eny thread, this's the one, their you are thean!

r u taking the piss?

I hope this one hasn't been done already..........

A blind man wanders into a female biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a beer.

After sitting there for awhile, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind,

that you should know five things:

1) The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.

2) The bouncer is a blonde girl.

3) I'm 2 metres tall, 90 kg and blonde, with a black belt in karate.

4) The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.

5) The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.

'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters... 'No, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.'

Say "NO" to drugs. That will bring the prices down.

.....................................

Kids in the back seat cause accidents; Accidents in the back seat cause kids.

........................................

The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.

a couple for todays inbox

...Muslim swingers parties must often end up in disappointment. Imagine, you pick your partner for the evening take her to a bedroom, lift of her veil and find out it's the same bitch you walked in with!!!!!

and

sign in a shop window read... we would rather serve 500 Muslims than 1 British soldier. Who says undertakers have no sense of humour?

JOB OFFER

Needed young black male to train as a mud flap

Must be flexible and willing to travel

a couple for todays inbox

...Muslim swingers parties must often end up in disappointment. Imagine, you pick your partner for the evening take her to a bedroom, lift of her veil and find out it's the same bitch you walked in with!!!!!

and

sign in a shop window read... we would rather serve 500 Muslims than 1 British soldier. Who says undertakers have no sense of humour?

has anybody told you that you are a plain dumb àsshole Boater? if not, i will.

That's a bit harsh naam ! , this is the. " Short ones .. Warning not pc " thread ......

There are many more in this thread with less taste than mine , which are forwarded to me from other folk .

Sorry if they may of offended you , but if you are offended by pc joles , I would suggest you don't read this thread

Cheers

That's a bit harsh naam ! , this is the. " Short ones .. Warning not pc " thread ......

There are many more in this thread with less taste than mine , which are forwarded to me from other folk .

Sorry if they may of offended you , but if you are offended by pc joles , I would suggest you don't read this thread

Cheers

So harsh, he said it twice !!!!

A very pretty young speech therapist was getting nowhere with her Stammerers Action group. She had tried every technique in the book without the slightest success.

Finally, thoroughly exasperated, she said "If any of you can tell me the name of the town where you were born, without stuttering, I will have wild and passionate sex with you until your muscles

ache and your eyes water. So, who wants to go first ?"

The Englishman piped up.

"B-b-b-b-b-b-b-irmingham", he said.

"That's no use, Trevor" said the speech therapist, "Who's next ?"

The Scotsman raised his hand and blurted out

"P-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-p-aisley".

That's no better. There'll be no sex for you, I'm afraid, Hamish.

How about you, Paddy ?

The Irishman took a deep breath and eventually blurted out " London ".

Brilliant, Paddy! said the speech therapist and immediately set about living up to her promise.

After 15 minutes of exceptionally steamy sex, the couple paused for breath and Paddy said,

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

v

"d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-d-erry"

UK Benefits

I went down this morning to sign up my Dog for benefits. At first the lady said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefits."

So I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, can't speak English and hasn't a frigging clue who his Dad is.

So she looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

My dog gets his first cheque Friday.

dam_n this is a great country.

DIFFERENT LEVELS OF EXERCISE

It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary" research they are proud to present the results.

REMOVING HER CLOTHES:

With her consent............................12 Calories

Without her consent..................2,187 Calories

OPENING HER BRA:

With both hands.........................8 Calories

With one hand..........................12 Calories

With your teeth.......................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection......................6 Calories

Without an erection...........3,315 Calories

POSITIONS:

Missionary................................12 Calories

69 lying down..................... ......78 Calories

69 standing up.........................812 Calories

Wheelbarrow............... ...... ....216 Calories

Doggy Style.............................326 Calories

Italian chandelier....................2,912 Calories

ORGASMS:

Real.............................112 Calories

Fake.................................1,315 Calories

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging..........................................18 Calories

Getting up immediately......................................36 Calories

Explaining why you got out of bed immediately......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:

If you are:

20-29 years.........................36 Calories

30-39 years.........................80 Calories

40-49 years.......................124 Calories

50-59 years....................1,972 Calories

60-69 years....................7,916 Calories

70 and over............................... A Miracle

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:

Calmly.............................................................32 Calories

In a hurry.................................................98 Calories

With her father knocking at the door............5,218 Calories

With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

I have been around, .....but <deleted> is a standing up 69? Feasible, but by golly not worth the effort, surely????

That aside.....so it can be concluded that if you are a man and want to lose weight, you need to not have her consent, open her bra with your teeth, try to put condom on before you are aroused, perform the Italian Chandelier, fake your orgasm, get up immediately and then explain it, and make sure your wife will come knocking at the door.

If I was overweight, I think I'd rather go to the gym.

Umm, yep. I think you are correct there, Harky.

I have been around, .....but <deleted> is a standing up 69? Feasible, but by golly not worth the effort, surely????

That aside.....so it can be concluded that if you are a man and want to lose weight, you need to not have her consent, open her bra with your teeth, try to put condom on before you are aroused, perform the Italian Chandelier, fake your orgasm, get up immediately and then explain it, and make sure your wife will come knocking at the door.

If I was overweight, I think I'd rather go to the gym.

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION:

If you are: 60-69 years....................7,916 Calories

taking a 100mg blue pill...........................0 calories

That's a bit harsh naam ! , this is the. " Short ones .. Warning not pc " thread ......

There are many more in this thread with less taste than mine , which are forwarded to me from other folk .

Sorry if they may of offended you , but if you are offended by pc joles , I would suggest you don't read this thread

Cheers

point taken Boater. i apologise

Statement of the Century

Thought from the Greatest Living Scots Thinker.

Billy Connolly - Statement of the Century

"If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, how come

they can't have a headache and sex at the same time ?"

Little black lad goes to heaven.

Hello, says St Peter we've been waiting for you. Put these wings on and we'll send you back to earth.

Great, does that mean I'm an Angel ?

Don't be daft..............You're a fly !!!!

3 little boys, 2 white, 1 Samoan, are playing in the sandpit when a fight breaks out between them.

The teacher breaks it up and holds them in after class.

"Now," says teacher, "Tommy, spell "cat" and then you can go home.

Tommy hesitantly spells out, "c", "a", "t".

"Ok, you can go now. Johnny, spell "rat".

Johnny says, "r, a, t, rat"

"Very good, you can go home now.....Taleofoa, spell "racial discrimination".

Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if he could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross his legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too....

And, the NUMBER ONE thing men did when they woke up with a vagina...Finally find that damned spot.

Very good. Made a few amendments though:

Top ten things men would do if they woke up and had a vagina for a day:

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if he could finally do the splits. Not too sure 'bout this one

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet. 20 feet?! Pshh. 6 pints says I can get 30 ft.

6. Cross his legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes...BEFORE closing time. By a lesbian. Who bought me drinks.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too....

And, the NUMBER ONE thing men did when they woke up with a vagina...Finally find that damned spot.

By a lesbian. Who bought me drinks.

Good thinking!!!! Yes!!! Perhaps TWO lesbians if you're lucky?

Grandma & Grandpa

Grandma and Grandpa were visiting

their kids overnight.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in

his son's medicine cabinet, he asked

about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should

take one Dad; they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," Answered the son.

"I don't care," said Grandpa, "I'd still like to

try one , and before we leave in the

morning, I'll put the money

under the pillow."

Later the next morning, the son found

$110 under the pillow. He called

Grandpa and said, "I told

you each pill was

$10, not $110.

"I know," said Grandpa. "The

hundred is from

Grandma!"

Breaking News:

Police in Liverpool just announced the discovery of an arms cache of 2000

semi automatic rifles with 250,000 rounds of ammunition,

10 anti-tank missiles, 4 grenade launchers, 20 tonnes of heroin, £50

million in forged UK banknotes and 25 trafficked Ukrainian prostitutes all

in a semi- detached house behind the Public Library in Toxteth.

Local residents were stunned.

A community spokesman said:

"We're shocked. We never knew we had a f****n' Library!!"

Why do women wear make up and perfume?

Because they're ugly and they smell.

DIFFERENT LEVELS OF EXERCISE

It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric content of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary" research they are proud to present the results.

60-69 years....................7,916 Calories

70 and over............................... A Miracle

I just KNEW there must be something wrong with me. I must be living on borrowed time.

Sorry, but I can't or won't post pictures.

I have been around, .....but <deleted> is a standing up 69? Feasible, but by golly not worth the effort, surely????

Why the hel_l do you think they send women up to the ISS?

It's not like they need somebody to do the washing up is it?

While I was last in the UK the snow as knee deep but we made it to the pub.

A guy walks in and said he'd managed to turn the dishwasher into a snow plow.

He gave her a shovel.

a few from this weeks work inbox....

...I came in last night and saw the wife laughing at all these spastics on the TV. I said "You wicked bitch how can you laugh at those poor people???" She said "You cun_t they're not spastics it's Britains Got Talent!!!!"

sorry cant post the rest.... may get a ban